See for most of my life, what other people think of me has been the
measuring stick I’ve used to determine whether or not I was worthy of
love and belonging.
I always assumed that if I looked stupid or did something wrong,
it would cost me my membership in the Normal, Acceptable Well-Adjusted
Human-Being Club.
The problem with that kind of equation is that it has meant that I
have spent a lifetime keeping up appearances. I have given up my own
identity and my own opinions to ensure that I would always fit neatly
into whichever box it was I that I thought I belonged. I have sacrificed
countless opportunities to grow in both my professional and personal
life because I was terrified that if I shone too brightly or took too
big of risks, my membership to the aforementioned club would be
rescinded.
Of course, on the inside I’ve always just been me – I just didn’t want anybody to find that out.
I’ve covered up my desire for romance, adventure and passion with
an obsessive need for safety and control. There are a lot of roads I
never traveled because I was afraid of the big, bad What If.
What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if nobody likes me? What
if I’m not cool enough? What if I lose everything I already have? What
if I shit myself in a Blendz bathroom and have to walk home with a scarf
around my bare ass?...
When we are able to tell our stories (whether to a trusted friend,
counselor or a community of people who love and support us) we free
ourselves from the lie we tell ourselves about needing to look good. We
begin to understand that in standing in who we are – disgusting bits and
all – we can remove the layers of shame, guilt and fear.
And in the sharing of those things about us that we are certain
if anyone found out we’d be disowned, we move into a freedom of being
that would not otherwise be possible.
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