Dear J (age 7),
Know that you are good enough and wanted. More importantly know that you are
loved. The note you found this year – that
one single sentence in blue ink on a torn scrap of paper – the one that says ‘I
don’t want her’ – wasn’t a reflection of you – of your worth but merely the
means to your father fully adopting you, of your sperm donor relinquishing his
rights.
Know that you don’t have to carry this hurt with you – don’t
pick it up at all. Know that if you do –
it will define and shape the next thirty years of your life – that you’ll spend
those years keeping anyone from getting too close – too afraid that they will
leave too. You’ll spend those years loving
fully with your golden heart though it will be encased in a shield that over
time will overflow and crack and break over and over and over again as you
struggle to let the love out. A heavy
burden to bear, a heart hardening to the world around it. People who stay around long enough, who don’t
push too much will see this side but they will still feel your wrath at times
too – the ugly and unsettled – unable to deal with the overflowing love that
scares you completely. The ones who try
and love you back will feel the strength of your walls – the ones structured so
you can stand on your own, independent, unbreakable. Immune to being loved. This doesn’t have to happen.
At age thirty-five when you call your mother in those
midnight hours after sitting in a room full of strangers – know that the weight
you had been carrying from this moment will be lifted. The weight that you didn’t even realize what
pulling you down. When those three words
- ‘I love you’ – leave your lips it will be the most freeing thing you will
ever know. When you say them to your mom
– aloud – though she’s known it all along – they will release you from all
those other ended conversations where they sat on the tip of your tongue unable
to be uttered out loud. The meaning to
you was always too high, the price steep in the face of being left all over
again.
Know that no matter how often you utter them in the future
of your life they’ll still hold power – power in the freedom – in the
expression. In the pure selfless giving
of sharing your love. Know that they won’t
always be returned and that’s okay too – it’s not about that. It’s about living out loud – true to who you
are. Secure and safe in the knowledge
that you truly are – and always have been – good enough. Believing above all else in yourself and your
ability to survive all of life’s ups and downs while still keeping an open
heart.
Know that people will still leave – they always do – but it
is not a reflection of the girl you are – the woman you become but rather it’s
out of circumstance, of timing, of their place in this world. You can’t control that but you can still show
them love, hold on to that love. Let it
continue to grow. Continue to be
beautiful even in the face of the sadness.
In that moment when you find that piece of paper, instead of
feeling not good enough – defy it, laugh at it and shine brighter because of it
– relishing in the ones that do stay through all the ups and downs – love them
with all you have while they are there and know that this, these moments are
all that truly matter through the years.
Each one unique and special for however long it lasts and some will last
forever. The most important thing is to
love. Just love and live. Out loud.
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