I'm angry, there I said it. Pissed. I want to curse and swear and yes, I sent a drunken text that was mean and inappropriate on Saturday night. I'm not proud. But it is life. It is life that I am accountable for, apologies for the text were made though I still don't regret the sentiment even as the fog of the alcohol has lifted.
I'm tired of him getting to play the good guy, the victim. Never one to acknowledge his part in this entire thing even as the lies - wait, half truths (in his mind at least) - keep coming out. The truth hurts, plain and simple and you can bend it however you want to try and minimize the pain but it comes out eventually and it stings that much more. You see, I've seen firsthand how he changes the story depending on who he is talking to. I've heard firsthand the things he's said about his other friends - their neediness and insecurity. I have no doubt that he's told the same story on both sides - whatever we each need to hear. You can't quite call it lying but is it really any better? It's not living with integrity and that's what I'm striving to do – text message aside, a drunken mistake, no excuse.
I don't think he cheated on me, not in the literal sense but rather falling for another while still sharing my bed. Call that what you will. Call him the good guy if it suits. And even more, what's been burning at me for the past week is the fact that whatever the stories are, whatever victim he is playing with his new girls I don't want to be a part of it. I don't need their side-eyes and smirks when I'm in their vicinity - this isn't highschool. I am secure in myself now to not concern myself with the words, with their thoughts. I know who I am - and sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm sad and often I hang on too long seeing the best in everyone but the story keeps evolving, changing. More and more pieces showing through - I saw it all from a mile away and yet he denies it all to this day, never an apology or acknowledgement or even a thanks.
I only ever asked for his honesty, from the beginning. I wonder how much I ever had. He only ever wanted my trust, asked me for it so many times, over and over - funny that - he had it full on though I should have listened to the question more closely. There was a reason he was doubting my trust - and it didn't stem from me. Guilt is an interesting motivator.
I know him though, saw through all his facades and loved him, truly but the boy I look at now, he's a shell of what he was, perhaps I just overlooked it all along - but I find it hard to think I could have been that fooled. He is a man full of compassion and selflessness this is all true. It's what I loved about him - but right now, his actions are hurting me over and over and not once has he taken any accountability - though no one has ever held him to it, always worshiped his love and grace as he looked out for them. That's what pisses me off, that's what makes me so mad and I don't like the person I'm becoming because of it. He's still the martyr - somehow but that's something he'll have to live with. Karma is a bitch and he knows that more than anyone. But I'm not going to be around to wait for it. As I said in the text - I am better off, but I need to cut him out so I can get back to living with my own integrity rather than reverting to my old ways. Walking away is better than fighting to the death, I should know this by now, I'm getting better.
So tonight I will be angry. I'll take his cold shoulder and blank stares. The lack of hellos and the months of never asking how I am. I'll take all that if it means the questions stop, the changing stories stop. Just stop talking. It's not about right or wrong, it never has been - it's been life and we have both hurt each other. Sadly only one of us can see that.
I'm done - the last words echoed in my text being have a nice life - and I hope he does, truly. There will always be love in my heart for him but right now I don't like who he is - how he has treated me. I don't have to live with though. I don't have to be around it, I can stand up for myself if I'm ever cornered in the toilets again with his new girls or I can walk away and let go of the negativity that stems from it. I am letting go.
Found your blog over on http://www.theangrytherapist.com and thought I'd check it out.
ReplyDeleteI know how you're feeling.
That feeling that even if he didn't physically cheat on you; but fell for someone else while sharing you bed is one of the worst that a partner can do to you. My ex-husband did the same thing to me. It destroys the part of you that is trusting of a partner (at least for me).
You will get through this stage in your life; and you'll be a much better person for it.
Sara