Love the boy who… is strong

Love the boy who is strong.  The boy who is strong in both strength and character.  The boy who finds happiness from the strength required to take care of everyone in his life but who isn’t defined by the act, by them in return.  The boy who stands tall by your side, loving and protecting you, who knows when words of advice or encouragement are needed or when  a comforting silent shoulder is the answer.  The boy who puts you first.

Love the boy who has the strength to provide direction for you both – make the bold decisions or to compromise when the time is right.  Always striving for the best for you both – to be the best for both of you – together.  The boy who can stand up to you when you need to be grounded – pulled back to earth when you get off course – when you can’t stop pushing in spite of yourself, intent on getting a reaction.  Love the boy who has the strength to shut you down without arguing – fully understanding that the pain and hurt go far beyond what your words reveal.  Love the boy with the strength to take care of you even through his anger knowing that you are on this journey together – with all the bumps in the road.  Love the boy strong enough to see through your insecurities that sometimes arise for the most ridiculous of reasons – know that they are only a small part of who you are – that you only need the smallest of reassurances from him to get through the other side.

Love the boy who is strong enough to face his fears too – hand in hand with you – to provide the pillar of support in the face of adversity – leaning on each other.  The boy who knows true strength shines through when he is safe in your arms, releasing his pain through watering eyes – letting you comfort him fully, trusts in you, shares his secrets, his fears.  Love the boy who is strong enough to let go.  Love the boy who is strong.

Letters to you... how I am

You never ask about me any more… how I am.  You ask about my job, you ask about the people I’m with but never about me.  I wonder why this is.

I wonder if it’s because you just don’t care anymore – though I’ve seen the boy you are, struggle to let go, move on.  And I know your feelings were real, for a time – so I’m fairly certain this isn’t true.

I wonder if it’s because you’re afraid of the answer though you can only assume what that might be.

You might think that I’m still sad and hurt but I’ve turned that corner.  The feelings have settled deep in my bones, replaced now by my internal happiness, stronger now than anything else.  My optimism breathing in the face of everyday life.  Faith in the unknown, in the future – in everything getting me to where I need to be now, step by step by step.

You might think I’m over you, moved on.  Would you be able to grasp that? Understand? Know that my love for you was real even as now I’m letting go?  Trusting in the grand plan the universe has for me.  Do you hang on to the hope that I once uttered – doubts creeping into your decisions in the darkness?  Questioning your choice?  Do you keep yourself from asking because my happiness might cause you to slip further away from your own? 

 “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”- Carl Jung

I keep asking about you – the shadow of a boy I once knew, the boy I barely recognize right now even as I compare him back to the stranger I once met over coffee.  Your actions have returned, patterns repeated to where we began but your ‘okay’ is laced with sadness down deep.  Your smile a little less bright now, ordinary.  A change that has come over the past few months – a change that our friends now on the sidelines see as well.  You are morphing into something else, someone else – shedding your skin in hopes of finding the boy you want to be – is it working?  This distance and space you’re creating, this world you’re crawling back into? 

I understand your need to stand on your own, defend the outward choices you’ve made but I don’t understand the separation of yourself from everything that made you happy only months ago – the training, the people that supported your desire to be strong, to be the best version of you – the ones who love you exactly how you are – you’ve cast them all to the side now.  They see that, feel it too.  Wonder where you are, seeing the cracks now creeping into your mask, your armour.  Perhaps that’s why you hide.  The new friends don’t see your humanity, your true identity still so unknown – your realness.  They haven’t seen you at your limits, sweaty and sore, collapsed on the floor as ragged breaths slowly bring you back to consciousness.  They haven’t seen the heights you reach in moments of sole focus, heavy and fast and on the verge of breaking – finding that next level that makes you better every day, connected to those supporting you.

I wonder if it’s because my answer might mimic your own – my ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ an echo of the falseness in your responses, the lack of substance between us, the truth in how far apart we now stand.  Accepting my answer at face value – the difference between us.

My ‘okay’ might break you though – the girl who would have moved the world for you – somehow – if only you’d asked.  My ‘okay’ truly echoes my stance right now, strong, solid.  Confident and content.  My entire being believes that our story is far from over, spirits guiding me to where I am meant to be.  I trust in this separation, this need for growth, time for us to become equals in your eyes. My ‘okay’ is solid and that might scare you the most if you ever care to ask for it.

Letter to my future self... trust

Sometimes you will live with a boy for four months, talk to him every single day for seven and still not recognize him at the end of it all.  Trust that they boy you know, you loved - is in there still - his beauty and sadness all the same - just hidden better from view now.  Trust that the memories you made were real - never doubt the love, the laughter - the adventures you shared.  The silly, the surprises and the sparkle you saw in his eyes when he looked at you.  Know that for a period of time you two were great - real.  Honest.  Trust that though your paths have now diverged your gut was not wrong - in falling in love with him, in seeing his heart, in showing him yours - he just wasn't ready for you yet.  Time and place. Recognize with certainty that his fears were genuine, his tears the most vulnerable thing he revealed.  To you.  Only ever you - that he let you take care of him was a huge jump for him, it mattered.  Meaning.  The man you shared those months with let down his guard, shed his masks and let you see who he really was, who he wants to be, who he is afraid to be.  The beautiful man he hides deep inside.  Fragile.  Guarded.

Though your lives have drifted, his barriers now doubled with you - the push back extra hard, forceful - trust that he still cares.  That you're still in his heart too underneath it all - he is just better at hiding it than you.  Know that your time together was worth it even with all the hurt you both caused in the end - a fine line between love and hate.  Believe that he meant it when he said you were his best friend - the person he trusted most.  The only one who has ever truly looked at him - who he truly is - that though to you his scars are beautiful - to him they are in need of repair.  He still feels broken.  Crumbling.  Lost.

Trust that he'll find his happiness on his own.  Let him go off on this journey to find his place, find who he is, what he wants.   The boy who you can no longer recognize as the one who charmed his way into your heart with his sparkling eyes - trust that he'll come around again, in time.  Trust that this change is not a reflection of you - not entirely - that it was inevitable even as he saw your genuine heart - your selfless caring.  It was never going to be enough, not yet.  Know that he is still searching, still seeking his place in the world as you once did.  Know that time and space will help him and that only by letting go can you ever hope to come back together again one day.  In some form.  Stronger. 

Trust that he will come back.  And when he does, you will recognize him again - he will let you see him - the masks no longer necessary as a form of protection.  He will believe in himself, his beauty, his grace.  And he will let you in fully.  Permanently. 

Trust in the love you have for him, carry it still within your heart for he might need it again someday.  And even if he doesn't it is still an exquisite reminder to you - worth every aching moment, every hurt that followed the love because for that moment it was perfect and easy and honest.  But remember too - you can't go back, can't change the past, can't undo the mistakes and missteps that unfolded.  You can't make him love you, make him trust in his heart, believe in himself.  You can't make him see his own beauty through your eyes you can only let him go.  Let him go knowing that you opened his eyes, his heart - if even just a little, for a moment.  Let him go, trusting he will find his way back to you.  Let him go.  Trust the love.

Letters to you... believe in yourself

There is a fine line between love and hate and we are firmly entrenched on the side of hate - at least right now.  In this moment.  Once you seemingly basked in my belief of you - used it as fuel to push harder, heavier, further, faster - used it to fuel your fire.  Now my pushing is resented, returned back to me in a harsh stare, the glare in your eyes unimpressed, annoyed.  Reflected further in your excuses, your doubts. 

I have nothing more to lose though from this place where I now stand - lost it already trying to fight for us - what I see now is that my pleading for us was a lost cause, you could never fight for us when you can't even find the fight in yourself right now - doubt rooted deep.  You are surrounded by good enough rather than great and you can be great - have been great.  I've seen it with my own eyes.

So forgive me now for my pushing, prodding - being proud of you always.  For seeing your potential, your progress - you are amazing, spectacular - though you've lost that for the moment, your confidence receded.  But the man I know and recognize, the man I lived with for a time, the man I loved - he is magnificent and beautiful and capable of enormous things.  The man you are now, the boy I look at - he seems more lost than ever, unsure, skeptical.  Broken even.  Believe in your greatness.  Your ability.  The capacity within you to do remarkable things – leave your mark on this world.

When we were together you basked in my belief of you - now you stare back at me with bitterness, blame - your belief in yourself disappeared, dissipated - my belief in you now rings false in your ears though it's the same as it's always been.  You were always enough for me, that man that pushed himself, strived to be better every single day, who was learning and growing and loving - but you could barely see that then and you definitely can't see it now.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, see your beauty and strength and the power that you could harness if only you believed.  Believe in your greatness.  Your ability.  The capacity within you to do remarkable things – leave your mark on this world. Believe in you.

Love the boy who... knows how to drive

Love the boy who knows how to drive.  The boy who doesn’t just own a car to commute but can explain how to corner, how maneuver, how to drive.  The boy who knows when to go fast and when to slow down.  Who you feel safe enough to fall asleep beside as he takes you home late at night confident your life is safe in his hands.  The boy who will follow you home in the darkness just to be sure you are safe.  The boy who tells you to be more aggressive on your motorcycle even while wanting to flatten the white van that almost took you out.  The boy who encourages you to talk driving with his father – endless stories of breaking onto the track, skills honed at odd hours.  Passion in his voice.  Love the boy who borrows his dad’s lotus even though your story had ended – still showing off – letting you feel the beauty, the glide, the power that rumbles between your legs, driving you more than just down the street.  Crazy.  Love the boy who knows how to drive.

Letters to you... december

You think I'm a positive person and I am (mostly) and I'm happy too (mostly) but I'm struggling right now.  I don't like the person I'm becoming when I'm with you.  The one who silently screams for attention - it's stemming from my insecurities and I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm an all in kinda girl, in everything.  I don't take reckless chances but I've learned that if I just listen, my intuition guides me to the right people. 

You asked me that once - how could I know since I barely knew you.  I just did.  I do.  I see the person you are.  This generous and compassionate man who would do anything to help anyone but yet who is hesitant to trust and struggles to let others help him in return.  The man who wants love in his life but is also terrified of that exact thing.  Who deflects personal questions with humor but who when pressed just a little will talk about things he doesn't often let out.  How your eyes reveal your emotions and how they often sparkle when you look at me.   I feel how you hurt when I'm hurting and I feel protected when I slip into that space under your arm that feels like it was made just for me.  I love how you challenge me and tease me and are stubborn sometimes just because you know you can get away with it (and how I can get around it).  How you embrace my friends and tolerate my silliness.  I can also see a beautiful future with you - no expectations, just you and me navigating this world side by side.  Together.  But I struggle to know where or how you see me fitting into your life. 

I started thinking last night (scary I know!) and wanted to ask you what it was about me that scared you but then I turned the question back onto me - what is it about you that is scaring me, that's holding me back, that's making me feel insecure... and I realized that I am terrified of not being enough for you when that's what I want so badly.  I''m scared that you'll never feel about me the way I do about you.  I know you have feelings for me but I don't know what to do with those words.  You care about me but you care so much about so many things that it feels like I'm just another line on that list especially when you're always running away, never to me.  I want the man who will kiss me because he can't help himself or will randomly show up at my door because he just wants to see me without there being any drama. I want to hold your hand through the good and the bad and the ordinary and I want to be there, with you, every day. 

I struggle because I know that there is nothing I can do to convince you, there is nothing but time that can show you that you can trust me and though I never want it to come to it, there's nothing but the world falling apart that can prove to you that I'll still be around when life gets shitty.  I hate feeling so out of control.  Like I'm sitting half way in the middle of all or nothing, alone - I feel stuck.

I respect your need for time, I do.  I can stand in your shoes as well as my own and see the gap between us.  Funny isn't it.  We approach almost everything from the opposite perspective and yet we still fit so well when we can meet in the middle.   Right now though I feel like I'm in the middle on my own, just waiting.  I can rationalize many things, flip my perspective and negotiate with my heart to have patience, talking it down from jumping full on, taking it slow, respecting your requests but it's not who I am inside.  It's not what I want.  I'm a person who lives through my heart not my head and that's why I struggle.  Day after day lately it's my head that's holding my heart back and my heart is starting to hurt from being confined.

My walls are coming up and I don't want them to.  I guess that's why I'm writing this.  I don't know...

j.

Be the girl who... listens

Be the girl who listens.  Who hears.  Not just the words but the meaning they convey.  The fear hidden in his worries, the truths in his jokes, the conviction in his thoughts even as they waver to and fro.  Hear the words rolling off your own tongue, the questions that repeat – bored, team, us – listen to their significance, to your instinct, to the doubts they throw forth from within you even as his responses soothe your soul, briefly.

Pay attention to the objections from his friends, the support from yours – the ones you share that see how good you are together, shining.  Take note of the beauty and strength he sees in you.  His gift, his refuge.  All truths.  Different pages, different places – the two of you. 

Listen to your insecurities, hear his doubts and acknowledge that the words he said upfront on day one are no less valid than the ones they morphed into, the chance he took for a period of time – the words they transitioned back into in the end – all the same again, repeated.  Reiterated.  Renewed.  Heed the uncertainty he expresses of himself, the crumbled foundation -  listen when he tells you he needs to find himself for you both. Hear him when he walks away, alone.

Mostly though – listen to the love in his heart that he showed you in moments of pure honesty, vulnerability.  Sincerity.  Trust that the truth you heard was real, was speaking from his soul.  Be the girl who listens.  Who hears.