Letters to you... thank you for the space...

Thank you for not having time for me.  It has been a blessing in disguise.  Thank you for standing on the periphery of my life, giving me time to realize that I deserve so much more than you could ever be.  For allowing me the perspective – of what was versus what could have been.

What was… was a beautiful week of silliness and flirty fun.  Drinks in an empty bar, sneakily stolen kisses, a rushed respite on a sofa in a random mall.  A week that culminated in a torrent of unleashed emotions, a soulful connection – raw all consuming passion that faded as quickly as it flared.  It took me by surprise but was exactly what I needed at that moment in time.  I can’t regret anything that happened as it opened me up again, reminded me of my beauty and sexiness, of how I can be loved again (in time).  It taught me how to be open to the unexpected and that the perfect man for me is out there, on his way to me.  He’s just not you.

What could have been… is all that that first week entailed, building on that, creating a solid foundation through moments in time, a continuation of that desire to just be in each other’s presence – stolen kisses and silly secrets.  The yearning that faded in that stormy afternoon of sweaty release - in tangled limbs and twisted sheets.   

What started out unexpectedly ended just as quick though there have been fleeting moments since then – brief interludes dotted throughout – it was never more though than those 7 days in early September.  I felt it finish as soon as it began and I fought it – fought you.  I couldn’t understand the sudden change, I still don’t but I’ve grown to accept it for what it was – an instant in time and nothing more.  I have let go even as I still look to you for your resounding faith in me when the darkness flashes over me in moments still.

They say we attract into our lives the things that resonate with our energy, our present state.  That we attract the people who act as our mirrors – reflecting back to us what we ourselves need to learn. 

As much as you were different on the surface – underneath it all you are still a lot like him.  A pattern repeated, mirrored back to me.  I see it now – as I didn’t then -  a habit I’ve held for far too long – running away when someone gets too close – sees the real me.  It’s why it’s easier to fall for the ones you have to chase, the ones that don’t look back – he fell for those girls often, who didn’t see the pain that he hid behind his shiny masks and I see the love you want, the happily ever after even as you create your own ‘promises’ to yourself to keep you safe from the very thing you want the most.  I understand.

He doesn’t know who he is – always morphing into what others expect him to be – I barely recognize him now – the man that I almost loved.  You yourself have admitted to losing yourself in your most intimate relationships, trying to be enough, to hang on.  Were you chasing after girls who wouldn’t turn around and see you too?

I fell into your pattern too – losing myself with him, trying to be what he wanted, to hang on, to make the pieces fit – they never do though do they?  Over time, reverting back into what – who – we truly are at our core.  Our true colours coming back to the surface, revealing the beauty and scars that we all possess – we can never outrun who we are underneath, it comes to light – the trick and the triumph is to just accept it.  To love it – bratty and broken, witty and wonderful. 

I have found this love for myself.  It has been hard earned.  Aching and awesome, breathtaking and breaking but through it all I have realized that I am enough – exactly who I am – for better and worse.  I am me.  I am beautiful.  Emotional and intuitive and strong and pushy.  I am a woman who lashes out when I’m scared when what I really want is to just be held.  Protected.  I want to retreat when life gets hard, stand strong on my own but I’m learning that opening up, being vulnerable and scared is safer that standing alone.  I am a woman without regrets because it’s the chances we take that give us our greatest rewards – and those that falter allow us to grow and learn, continuing to carve out our journey in this life. 

I have learned that I am no longer the girl who needs to chase people – I don’t need to look outward for love because it flows freely within me, from me, around me and when I stop looking for it it comes right back to me too.  A beautiful surprise.  I no longer need to look to people who don’t look back at me to try and prove myself because I am no longer afraid and I no longer need outward validation – I know that who I am in this life is good enough. 

I am enough on my own.  I am happy and loved and in time I will find the perfect man for me – who will stand by my side and we will look to each other, seeing a beautiful reflection of ourselves.  It won’t be safe but it will be worth it – the passion and excitement, the strength and solidarity through the struggles.  Love for one another – giving and receiving (the hardest part of all), sharing in each other’s happiness and strong in who we are as two independent beings.  An easy blend.

I got lost for a week in time with you –you gave me a glimpse – you let me peak behind your curtain and what I saw was beautiful exactly as it was – I saw what could be and I let that distract me from what was.  What was… you running when I looked back at you – when I wanted to delve deeper into your stories, know more.

So thank you – thank you for the space you couldn’t make for me because it allowed me to realize all this – that I am okay here on my own, and that I am surrounded already by love.  For giving me the distance to realize that I don’t want to chase anymore, that I am ready for someone to stand solid by my side – secure in who he is, who embraces his flaws as much as his charm.  Who’s piece fits mine perfectly, exactly as we are and will be.  As it is meant to be.  Thank you for the space you have given me to wait for him, the perfect man for me.

With love,

J.

Real life... december 3, 2013...

I realized how far I have come on my journey earlier this year in the midst of everything about to come crashing down.

I’ve lived in this country now for just over two years but was allowed to stay solely because of a work sponsored visa. 

It was the end of September and with the market looking dim and coworkers being let go all around me I could sense that I was in imminent danger – there were just so few of us left. 

A week earlier I had a strong gut feeling to just apply for permanent residency, get my application in now rather than waiting for my company’s nomination to be approved first – it had been submitted months prior.  It was a bit of a risk in that if the nomination was not approved then my application would be cancelled and with it the non-refundable fee  of almost $5000 but I took the chance.  I listened and jumped.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

With such a huge financial undertaking on my part – my company sought out alternative options to keep me employed, guaranteeing me only the month ahead.  End of October was all they could promise. 

The universe spoke to me in perfect timing.

I remember the warnings, the talks, the uncertainty and though the thought of losing my job wasn’t an issue – the idea of having to leave the country that I now called home was. 

Still I trusted.  I had ultimate trust in everything working out – somehow.  I couldn’t envision the how but I just believed even as I crossed my fingers and toes wishing my permanent residency would get approved sooner rather than later.

I was of two minds – that it’d get approved within the month of October – my last promised month of certainty at work or if necessary that I would find a new job that would sponsor me within the 4 month grace period I’d have.  There was even the third option which I joked about – finding an Australian man to marry me.

At the same time, there was the potential of a new man in my life who was being difficult and pulling back even after a glorious start of ‘something’.  He was sudden and unexpected which threw me for a loop.  My shoulder was also acting up – a long standing minor injury that I’d ignored finally putting me on the sidelines of the sport that I loved most.

A lot of challenges were piling up.  Challenges.  Not issues or complications.

It was standing in the middle of all this that I felt the shift in who I am – instead of seeing how everything could easily fall apart, instead of curling up into a ball of inconsolable tears – I felt gratitude. 

I was surrounded by love and amazing people that had complete and utter faith in me.  Four of them to be exact – one of which was him – the potential new man.  Him and three of my best girl friends.  The only ones I told.

I remember him calling me soon after receiving my ‘uh-oh’ text – reinforcing all the positives that I rationally knew already – I still had a job, I had options, nothing had actually happened yet.  He told me to have faith and he believed in me.  I saw him that night and got a solid, satisfying hug – the safety of his arms and the release of all that I was holding tight to.  The unfiltered and genuine love I felt within me, that I was surrounded by.  Peace.

It was then that I realized that I was a new woman – a woman stronger than I’d ever been before.  I was able to relax into the unknown and stay open and positive.  I only told those four people in my life because I didn’t want to dwell on worst case scenarios – the place that most people tend to jump into.  I had belief and didn’t want to worry unnecessary.

It worked too.  Two weeks later my residency came through.  Two months on and I still have my job.  The potential of that man has long since passed but that’s also okay because instead of dwelling on the ending I am grateful for what was – briefly – his soothing voice and strong arms.  A rock when I needed one beside me for those moments.  Mostly I am grateful his faith in the face of it all – the mirroring of the belief that I hold within myself, that showed me also what I will have, in time, with the right man for me. 

And as I sit here and reflect I still feel the love.  Still see the positives and believe in what is to come.  Amazing things, an amazing man.  I can only sit here and trust in the unknown, smile openly at the possibilities that are about to emerge.

Letters to you... a long time coming...

I wish you could see the woman I am now.  I think lately that is what keeps brining you back into my thoughts – that and it is that time of year once again – November, February – where I always seek to reconnect only you’re not at the other end anymore.  Haven’t been for a very long time and yet I keep finding myself drawn back to you.

For many years now I always trusted that you were the person that knew me best and that you always would be.  Perhaps even a part of me believed that you were the only person who could know me that well – especially as it was (at the time) better than I knew myself.  That though has since changed.  I no longer need to hold true to this belief as I now know myself and I am awesome.  I can now let go of the need I held for you for so long – the need for validation from you and the knowing that there was someone out there that could see the real me.  Many people can see me now and that perfect man for me – he’ll see me here, now.  In the present not the past that you keep bringing me back to.

It’s been far too many years since you and I – you might not even know me at all now and even if you did – that girl that I was back then, that you would remember – she is no longer.  I have grown, I have changed.  I am different.  I know myself now as I never did back then.  I have found myself in so many ways and no longer need you to mirror my beauty back to me the way I once did – the way I did for so very long when I was scared and hiding and unable to grasp on to the things that I wanted the most.  The things I ran from.  You.

Thank you for being such a huge part of my history both in presence and perspective for you have stuck with me for all this time.  I understand what you saw in me back then, the amazing woman that I am, that I finally grew into.  So now, when I feel the need to reach out to you it isn’t about needing anything from you anymore but rather just because a part of me wishes you would see who I have become.  To show you that though we have long since fallen apart you helped me learn, to be open in the face of love and mostly to find love in myself.  To believe in me.  To believe in that girl you saw potential in from day one, when I was too scared to acknowledge or believe in back then. 

Thank you for truly seeing me when I couldn’t but I can take it from here now.  I have a firm grasp on the love that fills me, radiates from me, sustains me and flows back to me.  I now love myself, have found my happiness a million miles away from the story of us.

The universe brings people into our lives at the time and place when we need them the most and I really did need you back then but now I can stand on my own.  I only wish you could see me now, you’d truly love the woman I’ve become but maybe you already know.  Knew even then. 

I’d really like to wrap you up in a great big hug my friend.  Thank you for everything.

With love,

J.

Letters to you... what do you want?

November 28, 2013

‘What do you want?’

I asked you a few weeks back what you wanted, knowing full well what you don’t want.  A hard question to answer.

I read an article today that resonated – that brought me back to this question.  The basis of the article was that we are really good at listing off what we are not but not very good at listing what we are.  We define ourselves more easily with the nots – have nots, are nots, do nots – rather than live fully in who we are, what we have, what we do.  Embracing our own flawed characters, falling in love with ourselves exactly as we are – the unique and unyielding, the awesome and amazing, the bratty and broken.  All of it making us beautiful humans.

As these thoughts and questions collided I started to think again of that question in a slightly different way.

‘What do I want?’

And the answers started streaming.

I desire a deep connection on a human level – the sunshine and scars, the fantasy and fear.  Complete picture.  Open and endless.  I desire to fall in love with my best friend.  I desire a man in my life fully, committed to us as a team through it all.  A man who is emotionally available and open to confide in, one that shares my hopes and dreams and also has his own that he’s working toward too.  A man who challenges me and brings out my best and for whom I do the same.  A man who stands up for me, celebrates successes and is strong by my side when the world seems to fall apart – who holds my hand as I do his when times are tough.

I desire a man to cherish and be cherished by, to love fully and kiss unabashedly when the urge pops up.  I desire a man to snuggle and cuddle with, to be passionate and intimate – moments we share solely with each other.  A spot in his arms that is a perfect fit for me – a place I belong.  I desire a man who protects me and walks with me, can shoulder my tears and cheer me up with a smirk and his sparkling eyes and can be cared for a comforted by me all the same.  

I desire a partner in crime, a steady date and the romance and laughter of everyday living.  A man who has beautiful friends that he introduces me to and falls into the circle of mine just the same.  A man to share space with – both together and apart, to add to his happiness as he does to mine.  A man who knows me to my core, understands my moods and needs and tolerates my brattiness when it erupts from within.  A man who can communicate well with me – with whom I reveal my deepest of secrets, find safety in being  vulnerable with and who brings out my enchanting feminine charms. 

I desire a partner to travel with – to explore this wild world with together.  A man who desires to take me places and show me his roots and tell me the stories of his childhood.  A man who finds peace in the ocean and brightens my world with his creativity, who loves tradition but also realizes that listening to the universe is the easiest path through life, connected to our souls purpose.  A man constantly learning, who is spiritual, can find positive, has faith even when chaos abounds.  A man who is silly and playful and intelligent and driven.  A man who is healthy and fit and loves to train with me, finding fun in the exhaustion of it all.   A man who misses me when I’m away, who calls often and that desires me as much as I desire him.

A man who is all of these things for me because I am the same for him.  Two independent souls choosing to love each other every single day whatever that day may bring.

I want a marriage and children – a family of my own that blends into the larger families we already have – his and mine.  Raising to impressionable beings as best we can and trusting that the universe holds us close along the way.

I want a relationship that is ever lasting.  One forever.  Together.  Give and give.  I am already full of love and grace, for myself and the world around me – I am ready to share too, loving selflessly, romantically and trusting the universe to keep the energy in motion, for it is only in giving that we create the space to receive too.  Circling, an endless dance.  Love.  Life.  

With love,

J.

Resonating... how to receive love...

This post resonated with me a while back and I just found it today - it's funny because I've been looking inward lately towards the ways that I block this love in my life as I keep attracting similar men - the amazing ones full of potential but not quite right for anything more than the attention that I give them - I'm working on me and getting stronger, being vulnerable and being love and amazing things are unfolding.  This was a great reminder today.  

(bolded text all mine)

How to Receive Love -Via Tracy Crossley

It should be as simple as opening your arms and welcoming it, right?

It should come easily to those of us who believe we give it freely. We’re all here to give and receive, so what’s the problem?

We’re our own worst enemy when it comes to the ways we block love. How often do we look with disdain when love appears to come without a struggle? For some of us, at least the ones who can’t seem to welcome it without a fight, we judge it.

We feel unworthy of love’s tender charms. We roast in the hellfire of having someone in our life who cannot give it to us and we blame him or her, feel rejected and constantly question what we’re doing!

I’ve been here and at times I still struggle.

In the past, I attracted people who mirrored me, who couldn’t receive love and therefore I’d put on my best show, my best dress and try to win them over. Perhaps, I’d get a few pats on the head or some other breadcrumbs, but nothing resembling anything I gave to them. I worked my ass off trying to get them to love me and completely frustrated by my efforts, I would sooner or later give up!

Inevitably, they’d come back around, hoping I’d put on another show, hoping this time they could receive the love I had to give, but the story always ended the same.

These men mirrored me.

They believed they had to work hard too. They would look to the most impossible person around them…the one they felt they had to squeeze love out of, who was crazy, mean or rejecting and focus their efforts there. It would leave me scratching my head, with all the love I had to give them, why oh why, couldn’t they send any my way?

It was a quandary. First, I had to realize I had an aversion to accepting or receiving love, meaning every time someone did something nice for me or complimented me. I had to recognize my reaction. That was big! It made me wonder, when would I think I was good enough to receive what others were offering?

And the journey to find out how to receive love began…

I started valuing myself. I gave loving kindness to me, in turn; I felt less of that painful emptiness. That horrible self-rejecting feeling started to diminish. At the same time, I was able to recognize my non-loving ways. I saw clearly the men I attracted preferred the struggle of trying to get the “impossible” to love them; I know, because when I was “impossible” that’s when they’d show their love to me.

We laced up our dancing shoes to get caught up in the yo-yo game. Do you know that one? Well, when you can’t receive love its what you do—the push/pull, the fall off the face of the Earth and re-appear game.

Anything to create distance, all the while yearning for intimacy. Hoping for some chance, change or flicker of light from our beloved and that’s why it never changes. It’s not about them; it’s about you; it’s about me.

We deny ourselves love; we invest in someone with a wall that matches our wall, because no one can make it safe enough for us to receive love, except ourselves.

Look at how we stay in loveless marriages and relationships, where we’re ignored and we stay longer than we need to, perhaps waiting for the other person to welcome us back with open arms…and it never happens, ever, because they mirror us.

It’s a feeling we’re used to from our earliest relationships, one interlaced with disappointment, frustration, sadness, rejection, and loneliness; it’s probably been there since we were kids, so now what?

Vulnerability.

I’d be vulnerable—feel close, intimate and then want to cut off, cut out or cut down the good feeling, before it overwhelmed me and took me out of my own self-induced misery or worse took me to an unknown place, where I couldn’t handle the loss of control. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being open to rejection, from wanting to receive that love. I’d make excuses. I believed if I stayed open to receiving love with a man, he’d find me unworthy, unlovable and toss me aside.

How do we survive the vulnerability required?

Feeling we don’t deserve love, keeps us from opening to our vulnerability.

Believing we can’t handle the inevitable pain ahead makes us create more pain, by denying ourselves. We can’t fix this in another, we cannot force them to receive or give love, and all we can do is look at where we block love, where we say “no.”

One way to be open to receiving is to stop creating stories and excuses. Removing our mental energy from trying to analyze the thoughts of another, as to why they do what they do or assuming we understand a story about them that they have never told, will help us to remove the barriers we have in the way.

When we stop pointing the finger outside of us to nonexistent circumstances and instead make a decision to be of love, we change our position.

Accepting our insecurities, we stop beating ourselves up for all the protection, gyrations and running away we do and instead, stand still to receive love. It’s then that we don’t know where it’ll come from, we can’t strategize or pretend, we must be present, honest and admitting the truth.

We must stop destroying ourselves through the relationships we have with another, meaning the giving without receiving or receiving without giving. The walls, the obstacles, the lack of perfection, the childish games meant to protect no one, we must give it all up.

This is how to receive love with open arms.