Letters to you... thank you for the space...

Thank you for not having time for me.  It has been a blessing in disguise.  Thank you for standing on the periphery of my life, giving me time to realize that I deserve so much more than you could ever be.  For allowing me the perspective – of what was versus what could have been.

What was… was a beautiful week of silliness and flirty fun.  Drinks in an empty bar, sneakily stolen kisses, a rushed respite on a sofa in a random mall.  A week that culminated in a torrent of unleashed emotions, a soulful connection – raw all consuming passion that faded as quickly as it flared.  It took me by surprise but was exactly what I needed at that moment in time.  I can’t regret anything that happened as it opened me up again, reminded me of my beauty and sexiness, of how I can be loved again (in time).  It taught me how to be open to the unexpected and that the perfect man for me is out there, on his way to me.  He’s just not you.

What could have been… is all that that first week entailed, building on that, creating a solid foundation through moments in time, a continuation of that desire to just be in each other’s presence – stolen kisses and silly secrets.  The yearning that faded in that stormy afternoon of sweaty release - in tangled limbs and twisted sheets.   

What started out unexpectedly ended just as quick though there have been fleeting moments since then – brief interludes dotted throughout – it was never more though than those 7 days in early September.  I felt it finish as soon as it began and I fought it – fought you.  I couldn’t understand the sudden change, I still don’t but I’ve grown to accept it for what it was – an instant in time and nothing more.  I have let go even as I still look to you for your resounding faith in me when the darkness flashes over me in moments still.

They say we attract into our lives the things that resonate with our energy, our present state.  That we attract the people who act as our mirrors – reflecting back to us what we ourselves need to learn. 

As much as you were different on the surface – underneath it all you are still a lot like him.  A pattern repeated, mirrored back to me.  I see it now – as I didn’t then -  a habit I’ve held for far too long – running away when someone gets too close – sees the real me.  It’s why it’s easier to fall for the ones you have to chase, the ones that don’t look back – he fell for those girls often, who didn’t see the pain that he hid behind his shiny masks and I see the love you want, the happily ever after even as you create your own ‘promises’ to yourself to keep you safe from the very thing you want the most.  I understand.

He doesn’t know who he is – always morphing into what others expect him to be – I barely recognize him now – the man that I almost loved.  You yourself have admitted to losing yourself in your most intimate relationships, trying to be enough, to hang on.  Were you chasing after girls who wouldn’t turn around and see you too?

I fell into your pattern too – losing myself with him, trying to be what he wanted, to hang on, to make the pieces fit – they never do though do they?  Over time, reverting back into what – who – we truly are at our core.  Our true colours coming back to the surface, revealing the beauty and scars that we all possess – we can never outrun who we are underneath, it comes to light – the trick and the triumph is to just accept it.  To love it – bratty and broken, witty and wonderful. 

I have found this love for myself.  It has been hard earned.  Aching and awesome, breathtaking and breaking but through it all I have realized that I am enough – exactly who I am – for better and worse.  I am me.  I am beautiful.  Emotional and intuitive and strong and pushy.  I am a woman who lashes out when I’m scared when what I really want is to just be held.  Protected.  I want to retreat when life gets hard, stand strong on my own but I’m learning that opening up, being vulnerable and scared is safer that standing alone.  I am a woman without regrets because it’s the chances we take that give us our greatest rewards – and those that falter allow us to grow and learn, continuing to carve out our journey in this life. 

I have learned that I am no longer the girl who needs to chase people – I don’t need to look outward for love because it flows freely within me, from me, around me and when I stop looking for it it comes right back to me too.  A beautiful surprise.  I no longer need to look to people who don’t look back at me to try and prove myself because I am no longer afraid and I no longer need outward validation – I know that who I am in this life is good enough. 

I am enough on my own.  I am happy and loved and in time I will find the perfect man for me – who will stand by my side and we will look to each other, seeing a beautiful reflection of ourselves.  It won’t be safe but it will be worth it – the passion and excitement, the strength and solidarity through the struggles.  Love for one another – giving and receiving (the hardest part of all), sharing in each other’s happiness and strong in who we are as two independent beings.  An easy blend.

I got lost for a week in time with you –you gave me a glimpse – you let me peak behind your curtain and what I saw was beautiful exactly as it was – I saw what could be and I let that distract me from what was.  What was… you running when I looked back at you – when I wanted to delve deeper into your stories, know more.

So thank you – thank you for the space you couldn’t make for me because it allowed me to realize all this – that I am okay here on my own, and that I am surrounded already by love.  For giving me the distance to realize that I don’t want to chase anymore, that I am ready for someone to stand solid by my side – secure in who he is, who embraces his flaws as much as his charm.  Who’s piece fits mine perfectly, exactly as we are and will be.  As it is meant to be.  Thank you for the space you have given me to wait for him, the perfect man for me.

With love,

J.