Choose Happy...

Did you know…

There is an entire section in the bookstores for motivation.  Yes.  Motivation.

I haven’t been to a library in quite a while so I haven’t checked but I’m sure it’s the same there as well.

We have gone from self-help to motivation. People are making money on us needing a good old kick in the ass to do something.  Anything.  Yyou choose and there is a book for it – money, love, writing, travelling, quitting your job.

We are so far removed from our true goals, our biggest dreams that we need others to share their stories instead.  To live vicariously through them instead of taking the plunge ourselves and diving in head first. 

We are scared. 

And when we do sit down to write our goals – when a course or job requires us to – because lets be honest  - how many people stop long enough in their day to day lives to listen to their hearts and just dream – and if you have, congratulations, you are much farther along than most people ever get.  So when we do sit down our goals often revolve around money, career progressions, success, fame and the biggest of all and hardest to define… HAPPINESS.

  To be happy.

Stop for a second and let that sink in.

We are looking to others to inspire us to be happy. 

Incredible.

Unlike money and career progressions which in many ways rely on the input of others to achieve happiness is at our fingertips.  In our hearts.  We can CHOOSE to be HAPPY right now by reframing our perspective, changing our stories.

Yet happiness eludes us more than the others.

Why is that?

I’ve had success, career progressions and have been paid more than most people can ever actually dream of and yet my happiness came from none of that.  In fact my unhappiness in many ways was a result of living the 9-5, struggling to find my place that was dictated solely by the market conditions, my bosses perspective, my age.

It was when I stopped using the outward signs of success to define who I was that I found happiness.  When I was silent and still and looked within myself that the joy came forth. 

Every day for a year I wrote down all that I was grateful for before I went to sleep each night. Some days when very little happened there were still small things that upon reflection once again brought a smile to my face – the warm sun shining, the scent of a flower on the breeze, having a nap or simply a text from a dear friend.  It became easy to see the love all around me and that was happiness.

It radiated fro within me, a choice I made to be happy and so it was, there was no outward source filling me with joy, my gratefulness was keeping my happiness fires burning, grateful for the air we breathe and the world around us on any given day.

Happiness is a choice.  Choose happy and the world will open up in wonder.

What do you choose?

Truly Ourselves...

Timing is a funny thing.

Was reminded again today of my exes (can I even call him that) engagement on facebook.  It doesn’t bring forth any emotions in me other than to find the humour in the timing of it all.

While his news is spread across the web, my engagement to Shaun is not.  Though we were engaged one month to the day before the ex most people wouldn’t know it.

We told family and close friends immediately and the let the news spread through our community of friends and acquaintances, still almost 5 months later people are still finding out for the first time and that’s ok.

This news is ours, a decision between the two of us to embark on our future together.

It’s fun to celebrate and the wedding will be a party.  It will be our party. 

A celebration for us, surrounded only by those closest to us, choices we are making in terms of what we want and don’t – tradition be damned. 

One of many things that makes us perfect for each other is our ability to be true to ourselves, to each other.  We are not a couple that is into pleasing others before ourselves, selfish as some might see it.  We are living our truth and we are comfortable with that.

We can say yes.  We can say no.  He can say yes, I can so no and vice versa but we are honest in it all. 

I can’t comprehend a life of following the path of what others lay out for us, of them having a say in our biggest moments.  Shaun and I are happy because we are in a relationship where we can just be ourselves.  We are ourselves.  We just are.

And there is beauty in that.  It is freeing and honest and I would have it no other way.

Perhaps then that is why I now question, in hindsight the ‘relationship’ with my ex.  I wasn’t authentic self and the version of him that I’ve ever known only knows how to conform to what others want him to be but that seems to work for him.

We weren’t a match.  We weren’t honest.  I don’t regret the past – there were lessons there I needed to learn and I’m much better off now for having experienced him.  But that is just the past.

I have rediscovered me, honest and real.  And I love her.  Just as I know Shaun loves me exactly as I am.  As I him.  As we are.  Just being ourselves.

Recovering lost dreams... (part 1)

Growing up we are always asked what we want to be when we grow up and we are full of ideas.  Our imaginations our only limitation; a princess astronaut, an underwater doctor, whatever you can dream as a child you truly believe you can be.

I recently read that adults are constantly asking children this question to get ideas for themselves.  That as we grow up our ideas are diminished by the practicalities of life, the things we need to do, are expected to do.  Things that fit into what society has taught us to be right. 

We become stifled.

For most of my working life I have been in the corporate world sitting behind a desk, each day mirroring the last, the next.  My abilities and output at the highest level but my creativity and dreams diminishing.  Hiding.  Lost in the monotony of the everyday shuffle.

I was in my early twenties when I quit my first corporate job, unsure of what I wanted to be or do or where I wanted to live. I just felt stuck.  After days of commuting home in tears unable to voice the reasoning behind my unhappiness I knew it was time.

I remember clearly sitting in my bosses office that afternoon as I gave him the news – how he looked at me, through me and knew that money wasn’t going to be a solution – it wasn’t about that.  He knew his only response was to offer me more or let me go and we both knew I had to go.

I jokingly referred to this as my quarter-life crisis but I think it was the first time among many that the universe was guiding me to a higher purpose, I just wasn’t ready to listen yet.

For a few months I travelled back to Spain walking the first 200 or so kilometers of the Camino de Santiago though the weather and homesickness eventually wore me down.  I spent the rest of that year working at a coffee shop.

Endless days of just walking across the land, a single minded focus of getting up and covering distance by foot nor cup after cup of lattes, custom drinks per person however helped me discover what it was I was destined for.   I still did not know.

At the end of that year I traversed the country to take on a new job, similar to the one I’d left.  The city being the only difference though it was a city I held huge love for in my heart.  That helped.
It seems that not a lot had changed within that year except the passing of time but it felt that this time it was my decision to go back to the life that had somehow found me in the past.

When I finished highschool – before then even – I knew university was in my future, and so I applied.  I was accepted and the 5 years flew by in a blur.  Before I had time to stop and think I was part of the working world, steady pay and corporate job – I was on my way.  But I never knew how I got there, it happened in a blur, going through the motions but not my emotions.  That year away allowed me to realize I did actually love it.  For a time…

What part of your life are you living without experiencing? What are you going through the motions of rather than savoring every breath of?

Thought for Today... Strong or Soft?

Not long after I started positing again I received a sweet message from a long time friend - probably in the top three longest friendships I have had.  

I've know D since I started high school, those years that formed the basis for who I am today in many ways.  It's been 25 years and still her voice rings out through the distance in memories and reminders, in reminiscing and keeping in touch - all wrapped in love.  

Her message resonated and also caused me to question - she told me I sound strong and how she feels much the same.  She commented...

"It is amazing how unconditional love makes us stronger and bolder."

I can't deny the beauty of unconditional love but I question whether it makes us stronger or bolder - or whether it softens us, gives us the space and support - unconditionally - to dance into who we are deep inside?

I've always been strong - independent.  Being on my own, navigating the world and trying to succeed bred a certain toughness within me, the strength to withstand the forces that otherwise would try and bring me down.  I was hardened and surrounded by a wall that only a select worthy few were ever allowed to breach.  It kept me safe but it was also lonely.

Now that I have found my forever partner, the man who allows me to shine into myself I feel softer - that not only has he been able to penetrate the fortress that I had constructed around myself but he has also smashed it to pieces and in doing so has revealed me in all my perfectly unperfectness to the world.  

It doesn't feel scary though as it once did when I was on my own.  There is a safety to it in that I know that he will be there to catch me - no matter what.  Unconditionally.   

In showing me his love - and that he loves me for all that I am, I have found safety, a space to sink into my softness and be who I am, who I always have been - hidden as I was behind that wall.  

D also wrote that in being loved we are now...

"Free of the worry of what others think and self aware and positive."

These things live within us, are always there.  Standing on our own it is sometimes hard to find love for ourselves, we use the light of others to see this beauty, fleeting as it often is.   But if we can find a way to soften our hearts with or without another we are powerful and strong beyond measure.  

It is in finding softness that we become strongest.   

Your choice today - strength or softness?   

Lessons... A new mantra...

A new mantra, it came to me the other day, has evolved a little but the meaning still the same.

Pefectly Unperfect

It came about in my previous blog as perfectly imperfect but to me unperfect resonated more closely with my intention - while I thought that unperfect wasn't actually a word which in itself made my mantra more spot on there seems to be some confusion.

A quick Google search of unperfect results in a Mirriam Webster dictionary result of:

unperfect

adjective un·per·fect \-ˈpər-fikt\

Definition of UNPERFECT

:  imperfect

Interesting.

And while it may be a word it still doesn't sound quite right but therein lies the beauty.  It in itself is not perfect, imperfect.  Unperfect.

I love this mantra, it relates to so many things, in so many ways.  We are not perfect beings and nothing we do with ever be perfect but it can be perfectly acceptable, perfectly right, perfect for us.  Timing and editing, results and resolutions - never perfect and if we try and wait til it is then as we all know - it will never happen.  

So I aim to be perfectly unperfect. 

To follow my heart, to jump even through the overwhelming fear of it all, to put myself into this world when and where it feels right, timing and spelling errors be damned.  I am here.

Perfectly Unperfect.

Real Life... July 31, 2015

My computer is alive.

I have a strong internet connection.

It seems, for the moment that my technological speed bump has been overcome.

With a week of time, multiple calls and long hours spent talking to technical support, two technician visits, an operating system downloaded twice, installed once and recovery of all my precious files I am back.

But it's new.

Although I have every document and movie, song and even playlist it feels like starting all over again.

Shiny.

Reorgainized.

Reenergized.

I didn't realize I needed a revamp, a removal of clutter and files in all the wrong places but the Universe had other plans and as inconvenient as it was through the week, there was a quietness about it and the refreshed feel of my computer is electric.

Tonight is the Full Moon, a Blue Moon.  A time to as the Universe for all that we want, profess our deepest desires, dreaming as big as our childhood selves could have imagined, asking for it all.  Believing it is coming, knowing it is.

So tonight as the darkness descends and the fair moon rises upon us all, ask yourself, what is it that you want to start, that could use a refresh in your life.  What do you want.  Dream Big.

Lessons... Perfectly Imperfect...

I have always wanted to sew a quilt, the kind you see in old country houses that have worn through the years, aged in such tender ways from the carefulness of their crafting.

Delicate hands, patches of thread worn fabrics, contrasting and complimenting.  Stories woven together.  Simple and special.

Yards and meters of fabrics collected - similar and different all at once.  Hundreds of small squares cut to the perfect dimensions, exacting.

Pieces sewn into larger squares, straight lines, constant sizes. 

Larger squares become rows and rows become the front half.  Perfectly formed perfection.

In theory.

As I sat at my machine turning first those pieces into squares and the squares into rows I realized that there is no perfection.  I can see the flaws in every line I sew, slight slips of the cutter making slightly imperfect pieces, the pieces adding imperfections into the squares which continues into the rows and quilt itself. 

You can teach me how to make the perfect of squares but then I'd still have to sew the straightest of lines - a task that even through years of practice I still at times struggle with - attention distracted for the slightest of seconds and oops.

But put all together the flaws flow together, vanish to the naked eye.  The bigger picture overwhelming the details.

It was through the construction of these quilt pieces that I saw a reflection of me.  Perfectly imperfect.  Filled with flaws but still something tender and made with love.

I am not perfect, years of life have shaped and formed me.  I am a result as much of as my successes as I am of my mistakes.  I am worn and in some places a little thread bare but I am beautiful too. 

Imperfect pieces have formed me into a being that belongs in this world exactly how I am.

Perfectly imperfect.

Real Life... July 29, 2015

It's been a while and this is the story of why.

Technology fails.  Yes fails.  Plural. 

As they say, when you shout out your truest desires to the Universe and proclaim them to be true the Universe hears this as a sign to test you, to see if what you say is true, deeply rooted or just a passing fancy. 

I proclaimed to write consistently again, started finding my voice in the wee hours before sleep, ideas crashing forth and as I put them onto paper my computer decided it had had enough.  Crash.

Those dreaded words - unrecoverable.  Reinstall hard drive.  Um.  Ouch.

I'm far from a technology expert but those two hours I spent talking to the charming man on the Apple care line I knew that after failed startup after failed start up the only thing I could hope for was to recover my files. 

And how did that story turn out... you'll have to read past part two to find out.

Technology fail two that is... yup, there is more. At the same time that I am watching the death of my computer our home internet is dropping to below dial up standards.  It's painful. 

I spent another hour on the phone to our internet provider next trying to figure out what was up.  You see we live in the tiny part of our suburb that has yet to have NBN installed (national broadcasting network and the saviour to the poor infrastructure that Australia currently operates on) and while our speeds have never been fantastic they have at least been acceptable - no more.

As our modem is almost 4 years old the techs first response was to blame it for our troubles and immediately dispatches another - no luck.  The modem was just fine.  The tech finally came to our house yesterday and in a matter of 5 minutes clearly knew that our line was fucked (technical term).

Another day to wait for Telstra to resolve the problem as they hold the power of the infrastructure. 

So here I sit in the coffee shop down the road poaching wifi and drinking a latte while the rain pours down outside.

The ideas are still bubbling and refining. I am resolved.  This is just a bump along the way.  A test.  A test that Universe, I will pass.

Until next time...

Lessons... It is easy...

I was catching up with a dear friend today on messenger, the basis of communication for most of our relationship.  We have never lived closely - never even in the same city it seems.  We have for a while at least lived in the same timezone and in was those random hours where our secrets and stories were shared.  A true and honest friendship.

I always joke that there is no way he can speak at my wedding - he just knows too much.

But that's it really - he knows.  He has heard of all my ups and downs in the world of boys, the good and the bad, the fun, adventurous and scandalous too.  No holds barred.

He's commented in those times where someone with significance got a real name rather than an initial or some resounding quality that defined who they were.  He's shared my tears and laughter, audacity and outrage.  And he's shared too, his ups and downs and heart break.

And so we caught up again today from a place of complete contrast, both of us in such different places that we have been in so very long.  Stable and solid relationships, real relationships.  The ones that are steady and committed and going someplace better even as they remain great in these moments.

I am as happy for him as he is for me. 

And I sit here and smile now as after all these years, the endless words of encouragement and faith for the future as we both agree on one thing that is different now in this place we now exist.  One simple thing that has eluded us both for so long.  So basic and true.

It is easy.

A true and loving, honest and authentic relationship has no games, no longing or questioning, no uncertainty or space.  It's not being who we think they will like or a polished version of ourselves.  It is simple and real.

I have never been more true to who I am deep inside that I am now. I feel safe and loved and can let go and be the utterly not so charming girl that I am at times and the love that S has for me never wanes or wavers.  He laughs not at me but rather with me.  He has my back and rolls his eyes when I'm over the top ridiculous.  He is never far away.  He sees exactly who I am, how I see myself - sometimes even better than I.  As I do with him.  Effortlessly.

Uncomplicated.

True love isn't that of yearning and burning and endless desire.  There is a flame that feels safe.  A place to expose your wildest dreams, your deepest of fears and to just be you.

It's true what they say - when you love yourself exactly for who you are then true love finds it's way to you - and it does.  Be yourself and feel love.

It is easy.

Lessons.... I am (you are) enough...

I stopped writing for a very long time, well over a year and yet I felt the words bubbling inside me day in and day out.  I yearned to write but there was something holding me back, a fear of putting pen to paper.

In many ways the trepidation still exists but finally the urge within me has burst forth, bubbled over.

I still feel the fear every time I open my book, stare at the screen.  The vulnerability of putting me, in all my authenticity out there for the world to see.

The real me.

It becomes so easy to live our lives behind the scenes, in the quiet of our own space, within the boundaries of our own choosing.  Staying within the norms, the expected.

It’s much harder to live out loud, the sky the limit, pushing past the barriers inflicted upon ourselves.

It takes a lot of self confidence and more importantly self love to expose our truest forms, our daring dreams, terrifying truths and daunting demons.

When we truly are ourselves it leaves us exposed, vulnerable to others judgments and criticisms, standing on the front line of exposure and our expectation every time is of worry, of not being good enough but we are. 

I am.

You are.

Good enough.

And that’s the difference between then and now.  Distance and perspective.  Self love.  Time and space.  To a place where I am so in love with myself that I know I am enough.  Exactly as I am in this moment I am and always will be enough and that is why I now write.

Lessons... gratitude

For 365 days of 2014 I was grateful.

Every single day I wrote the things I was thankful for on a tiny little post it note.

People.  Places.  Adventure. Routine.

Often times my thoughts were simple, others they were many.  Sometimes though they were a bit of a stretch.

Yet each day however small or insignificant there was still something.

As the days passed I noticed more, moments of pure joy that I'd previously passed right by, soulful connections with people who would also come and go throughout the year.

I saw many others follow this trend through the year - posting their 5 days of bliss online for the world to see.  I carried out my journey in silence (until now), the only ones knowing my commitment were the ones who came to my house, saw the jar on the table filling over time.  The ones who cared enough to ask about it.

My daily affirmations were not a secret but they were also not something I needed to shout out loud.  My gratefulness resided purely for me.  My perspective.  To expand my view of the world.  Mine.

My intention was to open all those yellow slips at the end of the year, a look back at the joy, a welcoming ritual for 2015.  I even carried the small ziploc that they fill with me across half the world and back again to where they now sit on my bookshelf, still unopened.

I have yet to decide what I'll do with those little bits of paper.  I have yet to feel the urge to look within. For within my journey of those 365 days I learned to be grateful without documentation, still everyday I find the little things to cherish.  The simplicity of the moments that make up my life.

I am grateful everyday.  My eyes more open than they were that first day of 2014.  That was the lesson.  To see the world in a more positive light than I had been.  To savor the simplicities of daily life.

I always stop to smell the roses now.  Every single day.

Real life... June 23, 2015...

It's my first Father's Day without him.

He died 4 months to the day of my 38th birthday.  Three months and 2 days shy of his 72nd.  Too soon.

I remember getting the phone call that morning from my mother, half a world away.  630am.  Wednesday.  430pm.  Tuesday.  Time standing still.  Numb.

It would be a few more hours of back and forth updates, questions.  Longing for answers.  One final call, my last words to my father hoping he could hear me through the phone, through the haze of the coma he had been in since falling asleep the night before.

I love you daddy.

As I hung up the phone I knew he'd be gone before I could get back home.  5 minutes after hearing my words, he was.  Numb.

It's been 3 months and 19 days and I still forget sometimes.  It hits me hard knowing he's never again going to be there on the other end of that phone when I call home.

Not going to ask me how my car is running or what the weather is like as he too quickly passes me back to my mother.  He won't be there in those times I need his advice or expertise or to truly understand how my mother is feeling.

He won't be there to walk me down the aisle 6 months from now or to hold the grandchild that he will someday have.

I am so grateful though for the time we did share this year, much more than many of the past.  An impromptu trip to New Orleans to celebrate the wedding of two great friends - where he got to meet them both and see how I'm surrounded by friends that are my extended family.

My first Christmas home in 4 years.  A winter wonderland where he got to meet my future husband - words whispered that first night of how he could see the great qualities and character that Shaun possessed - and telling me to not screw things up, to keep him around.  He knew I'd found the love of my life.

I miss him dearly every day but know in my heart that he is at peace, tired of the battle that he quietly fought for so long.   But there is a part of me that still feels numb knowing he is gone, still reduces me to tears when I start laughing from pure unfiltered joy but life continues on.  He is with us still. 

He now lives solely in our memories and my dreams.  My dream where he visited me again just the other night.  Hanging out together.  The night of Fathers Day 2015.  My first without him.

Letters to you... July 10, 2016...

I'm resurrecting this blog after a very long time...

I've been compelled to write often these past several months, nearly a year perhaps but I've shied away from it, scared by the words that might flow from my mind but I'm determined.  Ready to be authentic, real.  My space.

I thought about starting over but the words from the past still seem to real, such necessary reminders of where I have come from, of the woman I've grown into.  I reread many of the posts and don't recall writing them, brief moments of time seemingly captured by anotherl

A lot has happened in the past few months with even more on the horizon.

I'm getting married in 6 months and 6 days.  It's been 4 months and 7 days since my father left this earth.  I'm unemployed and struggling to find my true path, the one I want to walk going forward, not the roots of my past defining me.  Changes.  A lot.  Exciting and intimidating all at once and as I struggle to figure out what I truly want, I need an outlet to sort my crazy thoughts down, to remember where I've come from and the lessons I've learned as much as I have to trust in what is still to come.  The best as they say.

So while selfishly this is my space feel free to follow along for the ride, relive my past words below  or ignore altogether.  I promise not to be offended in anyway, I just promise to be as real as I can in my words, me in black and white and definitely shades of grey in between.

A friend so kindly keeps reminding me that I have a way with words so hopefully you find something that resonates...

With love,
J.