Real life... June 23, 2015...

It's my first Father's Day without him.

He died 4 months to the day of my 38th birthday.  Three months and 2 days shy of his 72nd.  Too soon.

I remember getting the phone call that morning from my mother, half a world away.  630am.  Wednesday.  430pm.  Tuesday.  Time standing still.  Numb.

It would be a few more hours of back and forth updates, questions.  Longing for answers.  One final call, my last words to my father hoping he could hear me through the phone, through the haze of the coma he had been in since falling asleep the night before.

I love you daddy.

As I hung up the phone I knew he'd be gone before I could get back home.  5 minutes after hearing my words, he was.  Numb.

It's been 3 months and 19 days and I still forget sometimes.  It hits me hard knowing he's never again going to be there on the other end of that phone when I call home.

Not going to ask me how my car is running or what the weather is like as he too quickly passes me back to my mother.  He won't be there in those times I need his advice or expertise or to truly understand how my mother is feeling.

He won't be there to walk me down the aisle 6 months from now or to hold the grandchild that he will someday have.

I am so grateful though for the time we did share this year, much more than many of the past.  An impromptu trip to New Orleans to celebrate the wedding of two great friends - where he got to meet them both and see how I'm surrounded by friends that are my extended family.

My first Christmas home in 4 years.  A winter wonderland where he got to meet my future husband - words whispered that first night of how he could see the great qualities and character that Shaun possessed - and telling me to not screw things up, to keep him around.  He knew I'd found the love of my life.

I miss him dearly every day but know in my heart that he is at peace, tired of the battle that he quietly fought for so long.   But there is a part of me that still feels numb knowing he is gone, still reduces me to tears when I start laughing from pure unfiltered joy but life continues on.  He is with us still. 

He now lives solely in our memories and my dreams.  My dream where he visited me again just the other night.  Hanging out together.  The night of Fathers Day 2015.  My first without him.