I’m not an expert on love – in fact the opposite is more
likely true. I’m the girl it took 35
years to tell her mother ‘I love you’ out loud, holding tight to those precious
words for the depths of emotion that they convey and the power they always held
to destroy me. I hid from it. For 35 years I let others get close but never
too much. I could never open my heart
to them – I’d run long before they could ever penetrate my inner fortress. Learning to love myself set me free though. Taught me how empowering - not soul destroying
that love could be – even when unrequited.
I have only loved anothers soul twice in my lifetime and from this distance I question the first. I was young then and guarded. I ran from him eventually too – love then was more a thought than a thing I felt in my gut. With him though - this time - it just was. With him it was real. It was selfless and shocking and came at me out of left field. It was easy and freeing and will always remain in my heart. He showed me that I can love and in time I’ll find someone who loves me just the same, without expectation or restraint. Without asking me to be anything other than who I am, for all that I am.
I clearly remember my ‘what the fuck’ moment the first time those words ran through my mind – I’d only known him for 3 weeks. It felt like a lifetime and caught me off guard. It was an early Saturday morning - I woke him up with my frantic texts seeking advice and the words I already knew but needed another to actually voice.
I have only loved anothers soul twice in my lifetime and from this distance I question the first. I was young then and guarded. I ran from him eventually too – love then was more a thought than a thing I felt in my gut. With him though - this time - it just was. With him it was real. It was selfless and shocking and came at me out of left field. It was easy and freeing and will always remain in my heart. He showed me that I can love and in time I’ll find someone who loves me just the same, without expectation or restraint. Without asking me to be anything other than who I am, for all that I am.
I clearly remember my ‘what the fuck’ moment the first time those words ran through my mind – I’d only known him for 3 weeks. It felt like a lifetime and caught me off guard. It was an early Saturday morning - I woke him up with my frantic texts seeking advice and the words I already knew but needed another to actually voice.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t” – Erica JongHe was supportive in his response and also quite charming. He told me in the perfect ways why I shouldn’t and then followed up with an ‘I’ll kick your ass if you do’. It was then that I realized that he knew me – my needs, my ways. Firm and funny. And in the instant that the third text breached my mind a flash followed – ‘I love this boy’ and I couldn’t deny it was there. A fraction of a second as the words scrolled through my thoughts, an unfiltered knowing. It never went away.
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