Letters to you... new girl now (unsent)

You have a new girl now, not in the sense of dating or fucking but rather a new girl to grab your attention, your interest, your infatuation, with her, her stories, her life. I view this from a distance, speak from reason and recognition not resentment or remorse.  A perspective full of understanding - what I couldn’t see standing beside you.  You need the constant stimulation, a distraction from the quiet - the fresh and exciting and enticing.  New.  Eight months ago I was her, my name lit up in the marquee starring alongside yours.  You were wrapped up in my friends, my activities, my life.  Your eyes sparkled brighter then though, you knew no better.  Our journey took us both a long way, it was more than a mere 8 months of us side by side – we both learned, recognized, grew – saw the patterns repeating - it’s your journey to continue now if you choose. 

With us, my insecurities came crashing forth when you found a new girl to steal your attention, your time - a different one, an old one- you ran to her while you slept in my bed.  I saw it early on, mentioned it to you then (in another letter) but you laid it all on me, my issue, my inability to trust but what you couldn’t see from your perspective was that your reconnection with her stole the time you once reserved for me - it was plain as day in my eyes - you talking on the phone with her as we ate dinner together, jumping at every text, every need she had.  I came second every time and though I wanted to blame her - did for a while - I should have been looking at you, you pulling away.  I still believed we were a team even as my questions betrayed my heart.  I always trusted you too, implicitly - trusted you not to cheat on me, trusted you with my heart.  And while you didn’t cheat – not physically, you did betray my heart, betrayed our time together with her, betrayed us.  Took the easier path, the simpler, the new and fresh.

She started out as the friend I wanted to meet, someone important in your life but my instincts warned me early on not to trust her, her motives... She came back into your life as hers fell apart, your shoulder to cry on once more.  You told me that she was needy, her actions- both extreme and a cry for help – a scream for attention -  and you were there to hold her hand – it’s what you do, take care of everyone – your compassion was a large part of what attracted me to you, always accepted this, loved you for it.  But it became more than that - as she healed she still stole your time.  You let her.  You pulled away from me and my security eroded – came crashing down around us as I struggled to get you to see me.  My attempts to hold on, to hold your attention made me ugly - a shell of myself and gave you even more reason to drift, to her, a downward spiral – justified her response, her telling you to leave me.  Her suddenly finding her happiness.  Holding tight to you and your admiration.

Rather than acknowledge the real reasons we were falling apart – between you and me - you ran to her with your secrets, your fears and your concerns about us though you still deny it to this day – it’s hard to believe you though when you had to walk out of the house whenever she called, her timing impeccable after any of our fights.  During this time, our downfall - as my friends told me to look at myself, to what I could do to help us through the transition, to fight for you and me and make it work – she let you play the victim, told you to get out, told you that I wasn't enough for you, undeserving of your love though she didn't even know me.  Never valued what you and I had as she tried to set you up with her friends- keeping you ever more close to her world rather than embracing the one you’d found happiness in.  The one she didn’t even know.   And it's her friend that now gets your attention, your unending texts and your calls - the ones once reserved for me, I see the pattern.  She’s new and has stories you've yet to hear - the girl who you wrapped yourself in mentally while still sharing my bed, our life.  Already walking out as I was trying to fight.  And you wonder why I got so upset, so sad and angry?

You have never been a good liar, your half assed truths to protect those around you, keep everyone from hurting but I’ve seen through all that, repeatedly.  I see who you are, truly look at you.  And I knew something was up, knew it early on as you hid your phone after every lunch date, how your body pulled away after every late night text. Everything that is now confirmed in photos.  If I said all this to you now though you’d tell me to not read too much into it – as you did with the new girl in Melbourne, at regionals, ‘just a friend’ you’d say adamantly, no doubt you believe it with all your heart  - but that’s what we were once too.  Where we started.   The photos are too similar, faces shining upon you – giving you something that I no longer can – that newness, that admiration and awe.  They can love your charming ways - the charm you ensnared me with from the start, your masks.  The masks that over time and closeness I saw through – loved you anyway for the beauty and scars that you possess underneath, inside.  But that scared you – no one ever looked back before. 

You always have been pretty easy to read - even more so now from a distance.  I'm the girl who has seen you crumple and  break and still loves you all the same.  Even more.   They don't look at you though do they, see that you’re lost - the old friend did, once, only when I told her and the new? Well, only time will tell. Time that you cut short for us.  Perhaps though that was what went wrong, my biggest mistake, the one I’ll never regret - I saw you, through the masks to the boy underneath, the boy struggling to find his place in the world, the one who morphs into everything others expect not knowing who he is at the end of the day.  Unhappy.  Perhaps it’s what pushed you into her arms, her happiness, the happy you're still searching for in yourself. The happy that though I lost briefly I still have in spades. More than your old friend has - though hers shines brighter now, looks bigger.  Has you fooled.  Another mask to wear.  I can say that here, without envy or malice -  here on the other side because  I was her once, the girl - bouncy and happy on the outside, losing myself in unmade beds of a thousand men. Seeking attention from boys in every corner I could, single, dating or married it made no difference, complete disregard for relationships, for others, for anyone but myself... I needed the boost of esteem, to feel validated and wanted.  I was so unhappy underneath it all, never felt good enough on my own, never liked myself.  It's where she seems to be now, eschewing love for tangled sheets and thinking that the answers lie in the bodies, unfolding through skin on skin.  You’ve tried that path before, we both agreed it doesn’t work.   So I sit here and watch you bounce from girl to girl, house to house, story to story – searching - searching for that happy place that eludes you when you stop moving, stop jumping, stop smothering yourself in newness.  Stand still for a moment – that’s the secret I've learned.  Stop running, look within, see the beauty that I see there,  believe in yourself.  Find peace in your own company, your own mind. That's where happiness resides, that’s where the true love exists. 

I’m on the outside now, cast aside though I can’t stop punishing myself with the photos – a stark reminder of what we once were, I learn.  I see more clearly.  See your smiling face that once blinded me, see you searching for yourself in every corner and I find myself letting go, trust that your journey will take you where it needs to, that our time together opened your eyes, opened some doors.  My love for you has always been selfless and without expectation – I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy and it saddens me that the happiness you once found with me is no longer.  You’ve bounced on – Gemini occupying your Venus.  Fleeting. 

What I’ve come realize though is that time is never ending and cyclical, patterns repeat until we break them, life continues on, past becomes the future, wrongs become right, seasons change and people grow and paths cross for reasons we’ll never understand.  My heart now yearns for that place where we once started from, when you immersed yourself in my friends, my activities, my life.  In me. That place you’ve put her into now.  You got bored with me, with us – long before she came around and I can only guess it will happen again, with her, in time.  You’ll continue to search in new faces, while I sit over here content with who I am, happy with this place I've found.   

They say if you love something set it free… so go, be free, be fearless.  Find the love you crave.  Maybe our paths will intersect again one day, stronger than ever but if they don’t always know that I was the girl lucky enough to have seen your happiness, truly, and your heart.  Felt the love you had within you, shining directly on me as I pierced your veil, briefly – slipped behind the mask for a moment before fear shaded your vision, head overruling heart.  She told you your love was lost on me, your old friend - if she'd only known better, seen you then, looked closer.  She might have noticed that for a time your love couldn't have been truer, more honest and returned in full.  The words never escaped your mouth but I felt it, radiating through your eyes, emanating from your soul.  Genuine, honest.  I hold that moment dearly – remember so clearly that day when I breached your gates, when your heart opened to me – and I keep it here within me – a small piece of your heart should you ever need reminding of the love you hold within you - so strong, so beautiful.  Even if we never speak again, if your feet never again grace my doorway or your body my bed I'll have that truth. That beam of love, that flash.  The one that was real, the one you now deny with your entire being.  I'll have that and it will never tarnish because it was true. It was us and it was amazing.  My heart hurts though my love for you holds steady. Unwavering.  My love was never going to be enough for us though, for you. Not when you don't love yourself.   I hope you find your happiness.  Your love.  Stand still and look inside – it’s all there within you.