Letter to my future self… remember your happy

Remember your happy.  The feeling you have right now nestled within your core.  Unforced, unexplainable – just a part of who you are down deep.  Remember the night over beers when innocently your new best friend conveyed to you the moment when she truly sensed your happiness – overhead laughter and conversation from the mezzanine above – how she and her partner both became aware of it in that instant, heard it in your voice, in your exuberance, in just being you.

Remember your contentment the next time you are entwined in this life with someone else – don’t lose it even if he’s unhappy himself – don’t try and shoulder that burden as it only brings you down too.  Recognize and acknowledge it but don’t make it yours – don’t misplace your spirit in it as you did once before – stay true to yourself and you’ll be stronger for it together.  Work on your happiness – feed it so that he can feel it too – wrap up both up in happy – it’s contagious. 

When the speed bumps come and surely they will – they always do – remember who you are today – this 36 year old version of yourself – the girl who lost herself for a few months but who bounced right back when she awoke to this misstep.  The girl who is secure enough in who she is to admit her mistakes, laugh at her silliness, concede her brattiness and identify her ability to push too far.  Know you’re not perfect but that’s okay, it’s not  reason to be unhappy anyway, perfect is boring.  Let people judge if they must, let them question or manipulate or giggle at you in the mirror but remember that is a reflection of them, their own insecurities and needs – don’t let them become your own.  Let go of the negative, the gossip.  Life is too short for that and goodbye is truly okay.

Keep the people close that add to your own inherent happiness, the ones who spread joy themselves – both in sharing their own and celebrating yours – those are the ones worth keeping, the ones that will still be by your side when shit inevitably hits the fan and the tears begin to fall.  The ones that won’t walk away when your mean little devil speaks out in a moment of weakness, a moment of hurt.  The ones that will remind you that you are beautiful and worth of greatness when you forget yourself.  The ones that know the truth of your happiness and embrace it.  Let it shine through.  Remember your happy.

Letter to my future self... trust

Sometimes you will live with a boy for four months, talk to him every single day for seven and still not recognize him at the end of it all.  Trust that they boy you know, you loved - is in there still - his beauty and sadness all the same - just hidden better from view now.  Trust that the memories you made were real - never doubt the love, the laughter - the adventures you shared.  The silly, the surprises and the sparkle you saw in his eyes when he looked at you.  Know that for a period of time you two were great - real.  Honest.  Trust that though your paths have now diverged your gut was not wrong - in falling in love with him, in seeing his heart, in showing him yours - he just wasn't ready for you yet.  Time and place. Recognize with certainty that his fears were genuine, his tears the most vulnerable thing he revealed.  To you.  Only ever you - that he let you take care of him was a huge jump for him, it mattered.  Meaning.  The man you shared those months with let down his guard, shed his masks and let you see who he really was, who he wants to be, who he is afraid to be.  The beautiful man he hides deep inside.  Fragile.  Guarded.

Though your lives have drifted, his barriers now doubled with you - the push back extra hard, forceful - trust that he still cares.  That you're still in his heart too underneath it all - he is just better at hiding it than you.  Know that your time together was worth it even with all the hurt you both caused in the end - a fine line between love and hate.  Believe that he meant it when he said you were his best friend - the person he trusted most.  The only one who has ever truly looked at him - who he truly is - that though to you his scars are beautiful - to him they are in need of repair.  He still feels broken.  Crumbling.  Lost.

Trust that he'll find his happiness on his own.  Let him go off on this journey to find his place, find who he is, what he wants.   The boy who you can no longer recognize as the one who charmed his way into your heart with his sparkling eyes - trust that he'll come around again, in time.  Trust that this change is not a reflection of you - not entirely - that it was inevitable even as he saw your genuine heart - your selfless caring.  It was never going to be enough, not yet.  Know that he is still searching, still seeking his place in the world as you once did.  Know that time and space will help him and that only by letting go can you ever hope to come back together again one day.  In some form.  Stronger. 

Trust that he will come back.  And when he does, you will recognize him again - he will let you see him - the masks no longer necessary as a form of protection.  He will believe in himself, his beauty, his grace.  And he will let you in fully.  Permanently. 

Trust in the love you have for him, carry it still within your heart for he might need it again someday.  And even if he doesn't it is still an exquisite reminder to you - worth every aching moment, every hurt that followed the love because for that moment it was perfect and easy and honest.  But remember too - you can't go back, can't change the past, can't undo the mistakes and missteps that unfolded.  You can't make him love you, make him trust in his heart, believe in himself.  You can't make him see his own beauty through your eyes you can only let him go.  Let him go knowing that you opened his eyes, his heart - if even just a little, for a moment.  Let him go, trusting he will find his way back to you.  Let him go.  Trust the love.

Letters to my future self… believe

Believe you will have everything you could ever dream of.  Of that feeling rooted deep within your gut that good things are on their way.  That everything up until now has shaped you, guided you, got you ready for this moment that you’re in.  Believe in love, in loving and being loved fully, for all time – a life with a beautiful and charming partner with eyes only for you, child(ren) that you raise together, a solid family unit.  Foundation.  Believe in the spirits that surround you – guide you so gracefully, the moon that holds your wishes and wants.  Believe in your instincts and knowledge that stems true from your subconscious, your heart – be open and vulnerable and believe – truly believe in each and every moment.  Believe.