Real life... july 4, 2013

July 4, 2013

The tears came unexpectedly today, surprisingly.  Lightly but still they were there.   It started to hit midday - a slight shift in energy as I finished reading  'The Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The woman I work with, H - the one who senses spirits - called my attention to it fully.  She commented that my energy felt heavy, dull.  I couldn't explain in words how I felt but knew I was feeling dim, as I tried to talk through it water formed in my eyes, shocking me.  Emotions unexplained, hitting hard.

For the past few weeks I feel like I'm in the middle, not stuck but somewhat waiting - the time between happily and ever after.  The happily happened, for a time and the ever after I know awaits me, I trust in this but I am itching for something to start, for a change, for an adventure and yet I'm comfortable and happy in my life exactly as it is.  Conflicted but still I have found myself again, my self respect, my self love.  My spirit.  Me.

I miss him, I do.  Still.  Though I see him regularly I don't know how to interact with him.  I am being true to myself, being honest in who I am.  Being me.  That is all I can do, be me.  I can laugh at the absurdity of how the story plays out - of him being with the girl I knew he was drifting to while we still shared a bed - beyond my control - and I can see the conflict in his body language as they interact, nothing to do with me.  I am reminded daily of my dream, my clear vision of floating in the moonlight learning to let go, learning to breathe.  Of the peacefulness and calm that comforted me and it's this image that I keep drifting back to.  Reveling in that which surrounds me and enjoying the moments while relinquishing any thoughts of that which is beyond me, stopping my imagination from tormenting me and just being here and now.  Present.

I tried to explain to H how I still just have this feeling, not a hope or wishful thinking by any means just this inherent trust in the universe as it told me that he is my future.  Over and over and over again.  It's not something that I'm grasping at now that we've diverged - from heartbreak and hurt - and it's not something I can remotely rationalize, I have no idea where it comes from - it just is.  It is out there.  It's been out there, guiding me and showing me since the weeks when I first met him.  From the start.  Rooted within this Life. 

I can't grasp how we get back to where we started, how him and I find the same path once more but I also know that I don't have to understand.  My journey has taken me to this place I am in right now and his has taken him to her - pure facts, just as it is.  I was asked before and again today - how will I trust him when he comes back - how will I know that he won't change his mind again and I realized, only now - that I will know - I will know because the universe works in mysterious ways, I will know because my intuition guides me, not my mind and I will know because it will be him coming back to me.  The visions are clear, the only thing separating us from there and here is the time between happily and ever after.