Letters to you... history repeating?

I sit here and remember that day – late September – when you surprised me with your call.  Mid-day.  I told you I needed to talk, a friendly ear but I didn’t expect it so soon – to sneak away from the office for a quick chat because I needed you my friend.  You were there without delay.  I needed you because everything in my world was being tossed and turned, the things on the horizon so unclear, unknown.  You called, no questions asked.  It seems like only yesterday.

It was similar to so many times before.  With him calling me.  Random lunchtime conversations.  Regularly.  The same red chairs, sun streaming through. Elevators dinging in the background.  Like a life time ago.

But as with him, this thing with you is taking the same path.  Forgive me then for intertwining you both.  The start so much the same, easy, effortless.  The same words echoing through my mind, different voices the meaning identical.  You are both so different but still here I sit.  Still on a solo journey – neither of you able to give me what I want.  What I need.  What I deserve.  What I know is coming – it’s on the horizon still. 

I look to myself wondering why it’s all playing out the same.  What within me is attracting the same unavailable men.  What causes me to push outwardly when inwardly I know to step away.  Why do I keep trying when I know the pieces just don’t fit.  Why view the potential when what I see is what I get.  I’m still learning. 

Sitting here now I only wish for more time with you.  What I was pushing for all along, pushing you away in the process.  Damage done, I can see that now no matter how many times you tell me that we’re okay.  It was only yesterday that you admitted to me – out loud, finally – what I knew already – you don’t do what you feel like you’re forced to do.  No matter that we want the same things.

You like spending time with me

I like spending time with you

We don’t though because of the latter it seems.

I want your time and so you can’t – won’t – give it.

An eye for an eye and we are all blind?  No matter.  It is how it is. Where we are now.  A place where you say it’s all okay and I feel the difference – so far removed from where we began. 

I can’t change the past and you can’t seem to let go of it.  You tell me I’m over thinking but he did once too – caused me to doubt my intuition but I’ve realized it’s my biggest strength.  I see things, see people and I see you still.  Your beauty and charm and fear.  I feel your affection and attraction and distance too. 

I sit here in this same red seat as I’ve done many times before and my own words echo through my mind.  The ones I was telling a dear friend earlier today – as she sought advice for herself – sometimes you can’t get another to understand your feelings and you just have to choose – keep trying endlessly without success or just let go.  It’s my choice – as you have yours - and to me it is clear.  Only one way to move forward.

It’ll all be okay though, this I know.  I’ve been here before.  A year from now I’ll sit here again, wrapped up in someone perfect for me and smile fondly as I view this brief few months connecting with you.  Just as I do now remembering him in this spot last year.  Some great moments mixed with too much struggle.  Both.  Like going back in time – two different faces.  History repeating but the outcomes so different.  Changing.  Letting go instead of hanging on.  Love for myself instead of heartbreak.  Smiles instead of tears.  Stronger yet still open.  Vulnerable and enchanting and ready.  Ready to be swept off my feet by a man that enjoys my company so much that my needs and wants amplify his desire instead of pushing him away.  A man strong enough to tell me ‘no’ even as he sweeps me off my feet.  The perfect man for me sits on the horizon.  And I can’t wait to meet him.