Resonating... how to receive love...

This post resonated with me a while back and I just found it today - it's funny because I've been looking inward lately towards the ways that I block this love in my life as I keep attracting similar men - the amazing ones full of potential but not quite right for anything more than the attention that I give them - I'm working on me and getting stronger, being vulnerable and being love and amazing things are unfolding.  This was a great reminder today.  

(bolded text all mine)

How to Receive Love -Via Tracy Crossley

It should be as simple as opening your arms and welcoming it, right?

It should come easily to those of us who believe we give it freely. We’re all here to give and receive, so what’s the problem?

We’re our own worst enemy when it comes to the ways we block love. How often do we look with disdain when love appears to come without a struggle? For some of us, at least the ones who can’t seem to welcome it without a fight, we judge it.

We feel unworthy of love’s tender charms. We roast in the hellfire of having someone in our life who cannot give it to us and we blame him or her, feel rejected and constantly question what we’re doing!

I’ve been here and at times I still struggle.

In the past, I attracted people who mirrored me, who couldn’t receive love and therefore I’d put on my best show, my best dress and try to win them over. Perhaps, I’d get a few pats on the head or some other breadcrumbs, but nothing resembling anything I gave to them. I worked my ass off trying to get them to love me and completely frustrated by my efforts, I would sooner or later give up!

Inevitably, they’d come back around, hoping I’d put on another show, hoping this time they could receive the love I had to give, but the story always ended the same.

These men mirrored me.

They believed they had to work hard too. They would look to the most impossible person around them…the one they felt they had to squeeze love out of, who was crazy, mean or rejecting and focus their efforts there. It would leave me scratching my head, with all the love I had to give them, why oh why, couldn’t they send any my way?

It was a quandary. First, I had to realize I had an aversion to accepting or receiving love, meaning every time someone did something nice for me or complimented me. I had to recognize my reaction. That was big! It made me wonder, when would I think I was good enough to receive what others were offering?

And the journey to find out how to receive love began…

I started valuing myself. I gave loving kindness to me, in turn; I felt less of that painful emptiness. That horrible self-rejecting feeling started to diminish. At the same time, I was able to recognize my non-loving ways. I saw clearly the men I attracted preferred the struggle of trying to get the “impossible” to love them; I know, because when I was “impossible” that’s when they’d show their love to me.

We laced up our dancing shoes to get caught up in the yo-yo game. Do you know that one? Well, when you can’t receive love its what you do—the push/pull, the fall off the face of the Earth and re-appear game.

Anything to create distance, all the while yearning for intimacy. Hoping for some chance, change or flicker of light from our beloved and that’s why it never changes. It’s not about them; it’s about you; it’s about me.

We deny ourselves love; we invest in someone with a wall that matches our wall, because no one can make it safe enough for us to receive love, except ourselves.

Look at how we stay in loveless marriages and relationships, where we’re ignored and we stay longer than we need to, perhaps waiting for the other person to welcome us back with open arms…and it never happens, ever, because they mirror us.

It’s a feeling we’re used to from our earliest relationships, one interlaced with disappointment, frustration, sadness, rejection, and loneliness; it’s probably been there since we were kids, so now what?

Vulnerability.

I’d be vulnerable—feel close, intimate and then want to cut off, cut out or cut down the good feeling, before it overwhelmed me and took me out of my own self-induced misery or worse took me to an unknown place, where I couldn’t handle the loss of control. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being open to rejection, from wanting to receive that love. I’d make excuses. I believed if I stayed open to receiving love with a man, he’d find me unworthy, unlovable and toss me aside.

How do we survive the vulnerability required?

Feeling we don’t deserve love, keeps us from opening to our vulnerability.

Believing we can’t handle the inevitable pain ahead makes us create more pain, by denying ourselves. We can’t fix this in another, we cannot force them to receive or give love, and all we can do is look at where we block love, where we say “no.”

One way to be open to receiving is to stop creating stories and excuses. Removing our mental energy from trying to analyze the thoughts of another, as to why they do what they do or assuming we understand a story about them that they have never told, will help us to remove the barriers we have in the way.

When we stop pointing the finger outside of us to nonexistent circumstances and instead make a decision to be of love, we change our position.

Accepting our insecurities, we stop beating ourselves up for all the protection, gyrations and running away we do and instead, stand still to receive love. It’s then that we don’t know where it’ll come from, we can’t strategize or pretend, we must be present, honest and admitting the truth.

We must stop destroying ourselves through the relationships we have with another, meaning the giving without receiving or receiving without giving. The walls, the obstacles, the lack of perfection, the childish games meant to protect no one, we must give it all up.

This is how to receive love with open arms.

Resonating... in the perfect time

If things aren’t happening how you want them to – CELEBRATE! - Mastin Kipp

A common theme that I’ve seen lately is the frustration folks feel when things are not happening as quickly as they want them to or the way they want them to.

 

Here’s the thing: we are on a spiritual path, connecting with the SOURCE OF ALL LIFE, and we think we should be telling IT how and when to make things happen in our lives.
In this age of tweeting, texting, instagramming, facebooking, googling, pinning, pining, longing and e-mailing, we’ve gotten lost in the outer technology. We’ve forgotten our inner technology. We’ve somehow begun to think that The Uni-verse should be working on OUR SCHEDULE, instead of taking the humble Path and allowing the Wisdom of the Ages that fuels the Sun, beats your heart and breathes life into you in every moment, the opportunity to chime in.

Spiritual growth doesn’t happen on your schedule. That’s WHY it’s spiritual growth. It’s not about The Uni-verse giving you what you want; it’s about The Uni-verse training you to be who you really are, tapped into Source, being a vessel of Grace and knowing the only thing you really need is the connection to your Source, and all physical manifestations that are in your best interest will follow.

Sometimes all the things you have put your faith in will be taken away, not as punishment, but as a way of teaching you that trusting The Uni-verse is all you really need to do. And then you think you have many problems, but the only real problem you have is that you are disconnected from your Source.

It’s like the drop of water that wants to surf a huge wave – it has to connect back with the ocean in order to do big things. It can try and try on its own, and it won’t be able to do a damn thing. But when it’s connected to its Source, it can be a TIDAL WAVE and it’s PUSHED, instead of needing to PUSH.

So if things aren’t happening how and when you want them to – CELEBRATE. The Master’s Hand is at work trying to show you a better way. Even if your mind doesn’t think so right away, there is a better way coming toward you. Stay open, stay available, stay in humble patience that the answer will be revealed and most likely in a way that you haven’t yet considered.

Live the mystery of life with gratitude instead of an entitled attitude. This is the Path of Grace. The Uni-verse will bring us to our knees, not as punishment, but to show us a better way.

A delay is not a denial – remember that and live the mystery!

Resonating... strong and complicated women

How to Love a Strong & Complicated Woman.

Jennifer S. White

Call her a pampered-princess type—you’d be right.

She knows her worth and value and she demands that her lover does too. (Lesson one.) You know, let’s just cut to the chase and dive in.

How to love a strong and complicated woman.

First, be open.

Because she will probably want to pull the blankets up over her head from time-to-time; closing herself—and her thoughts—off from the world—and the world includes you.

She’ll want you to know how she feels, of course, but she won’t always feel up to telling you. This will make your relationship challenging for both of you, because open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another without, well, misunderstandings.

So please talk to her about your own feelings and thoughts—your sharing will encourage hers.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask her questions, but do try being gentle rather than probing. (She says thank you in advance.)

And let’s get this out into the open right away: Complicated women who pretend that they are not complicated are a challenge.

You have your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are uncomplicated women—just like there are men who will see this article’s words and find themselves written here for their lovers to read.

Because sharing the same sex doesn’t make us the same person.

On the other hand, any woman with close girlfriends will be able to tell you that women, very generally speaking mind you, have their own ways of communicating and, sometimes, even thinking—all I’m suggesting is that it’s okay to admit it.

No, I’m going a step further and saying that if we do admit this that all of our relationships—be it a friendship or romantic partnership—will be easier because—re-read the first statement above and repeat after me: open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another.

 Okay, so back to the self-declared-uncomplicated-yet-complicated woman.

I’m probably not the best authority in this arena, because I often put my eccentricities on display (obviously).

However, I will tell you this: let her go on pretending that she’s not complex—you will not change her mind. This is a realization that she must come to own her own (or another woman who is a close enough friend can point it out to her—not you).

Why?

Simple—reflect upon the moments when you’ve probably “accused” her of being difficult to understand; likely they’ve been those times when you were irritated, and your words and thoughts were not coming from a completely loving place.

So, ladies, consider being more forthright about your needs—with him and with yourself—and, gentlemen, keep in mind that your own sharing and approachable receptivity will help her to come out of her shell—even if it’s at seemingly tortoise-like speeds—but, in the meantime, practice patience with her. (Because she’s worth it.)

Resonating... intuition

Two articles are resonating with me this morning both about honoring our intuition - the first specifically tying this back into having patient which is the lesson I'm working on right now.  Quite fitting.  Funny how these things find us at the right time and place.

Your Intuition Is Your Answer. - Rebecca Lammersen

“When you know, you know.” 

I never understood this quote, until I understood it.

Nine years ago, I stood in the doorway of the house in which I currently live, and declared, “I’m home,” without ever stepping foot inside.

One month later, I moved in.

Two and a half years ago, I visited my friend for a massage. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted to see the only available studio on the ranch (which had just been listed for rent). I didn’t know why I wanted to see it, until I knew—

I stood in the doorway, groggy from body work and declared, “This is my yoga studio.” A week later I signed a lease.

I know when I have arrived home. We all do.

There is a clear difference between impulse and intuition.

Impulsive action leads to a stampede of second guessing, the feeling of being out in the cold, confused and indecisive. The aftershocks of impulse may take a while to appear, but they always do.

Intuitive action leads us home, without a doubt in our minds, we are safe–inside of ourselves.

***

This was the Facebook status I wrote yesterday. An hour after I posted it, I received a private message from one of my students.

She asked me, “What do you do when you don’t know? When you don’t get the intuitive feeling you described, but you don’t get an outright ‘this is wrong’ gut feeling either?” 

My answer, “Sit and wait for awhile.”  When we don’t know, it is an indication we are not listening.

She replied, “It is hard to wait when I want to be proactive.”

We can easily confuse being impulsive with being proactive.

It is hard to stay quiet and wait. We want something to grasp in order to feel in control of our lives. Waiting is painful. In the lull, we are presented with all of our fears, we have no choice but to feel them and experience them.

We are conditioned to believe, waiting/stillness is a symptom of laziness and lack of motivation.We think we must forge ahead, blazing a path of decision and direction, yet if we stop to listen, we will discover—we are always on the path, because we are the path.  Taking time to stop and listen, does not halt our journey, it is the journey.

Being proactive is not about being active, it is about being patient. Impulse can not survive when patience is present. Patience reserves all of its space for intuition, this is where the answer, the ‘I know’ resides.

We always know—this is what I believe. If we are quiet enough, the answer is there. The true answer—the one which protects the integrity of our spirit.

As we mature, we learn how to discern between the voice of the mind and the voice of the spirit. One can not exist without the other. I think the stronger the mind, the stronger the intuition and vice versa. When we don’t know the answer right away and engage with patience, we observe the mind at work– questioning. We honor it as we hone in on the answer of the spirit.

However, the mind will second guess until the zombie apocalypse. It is enticing to live within the questions. There is safety and comfort on the carousel of analysis; it churns the sensation of control within us. We have been trained to think, making the right decision takes deliberation,vacillation and deep consideration.

I believe it is the opposite: analysis is a sign of the absence of intuition.

When I signed the lease for the studio, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, I just knew I was supposed to do it. It was one of the few times in my life, I was completely sure and scared shitless, equally. I knew if I allowed the ‘what ifs’  and analytics to direct me, I would lose my overwhelming connection to the feeling I first received when I walked through the door.

When we act from our intuition, we trust in the unknown, because it is our only choice, the unknown is the ‘I know.’

Once we have experienced the action of intuition, jumping into our fear is the only option, we welcome it.

We don’t waste time weighing the pros and cons, because there are pros and cons to everything in life. 

Ultimately, it is the feeling we receive from our experiences that matter.

Before we function from our intuitive center, we must do the opposite–be impulsive and second guess. We will recognize how depleting and exhausting impulsive action is, once we discover the ease of intuitive action–the simplicity of honoring our spirit.

The truest answer is the first whisper and the first feeling. Our spirit is efficient and honest. She is not a game player or a manipulator. When she says yes, she means yes and when she says no, she means no. She wants us to expend as little energy possible deciding, so we reserve all of our energy to live our lives completely, genuinely and happily.

We begin living life, not just surviving and enduring life, when we discover—all of our answers are within us; we are always safe and sound amidst the fear. Once we know this, not knowing this is no longer an option.

And also...

Do You Trust Your Intuition? - Hayley Hobson

 When I was younger I didn’t have a friggin’ clue that I had something called intuition. 

I guess it had been there all along, telling me I deserved better, not to date the guy that was treating me like crap, not to eat foods I knew weren’t great for my bod’, or make a choice I knew I’d regret.

Do you trust your intuition? Do you hear your inner voice? Do you heed its call or do you shove it down like a lot of people do?

You might not know this, but your inner voice (not the one reminding you how much laundry you have), the one deep down, inside your gut, is trying to guide you to your highest self.

In other words, it’s speaking to your soul.

Our world is filled with distractions and our mind runs amuck, racing from thought to thought. It’s hard to hear this voice when our minds are filled with loud noise and wandering thoughts all the time.

However, if you can actually stop the next time you hear that deeper voice and pay attention to what it is trying to tell you, you might just realize that you know how to govern your own life and give yourself exactly what you really need, deserve and desire. 

Try it, and let me know if it works for you. I’d love to hear a personal intuition story of yours, if you are so inclined to share with me. Please leave your comments in the box below.

Resonating... HICCUPS

All Healthy Relationships Have Hiccups - Rebecca Lammersen 

I’ve collected a lot of data over the years.

Am I scientist? Nope, I’m just a girl who’s experienced quite a few relationships, talked with a lot of people in and out of relationships, and learned lessons from them all.

My research has spanned over two decades, and recently I’ve come to a conclusion, actually it’s more like a recipe I like to call, HICCUPS.  It has seven main ingredients when mixed together, create a healthy, happy long lasting relationship.

Here are the ingredients:

1. Honesty

Love is honest, brutally honest. A relationship built on the foundation of honesty has an indestructible framework of trust.

Honesty and trust breed respect. Respecting your partner is critical. Without respect, love can’t last.

Be honest, no matter what. If you are honest and the relationship ends, it is meant to end. If a relationship is meant, nothing you say  (if you are speaking truthfully) will cause it to cease.

Have faith in the truth. 

2. Intellectual Compatibility

Two people must be friends in mind, not necessarily like-minded, but equal minded. The smarty/bimbo combo has a shelf life, a short one.

If you are on the same intellectual wave length, you will always have something to talk and laugh about. In turn, you will never bore of each other—which is vital if you plan to last after your nest empties and erectile dysfunction sets in.

The ability to give each other a mind-gasm is more explosive and longevous than a physical one—it will keep you cumming for a  lifetime.

3. Communication

“We never argue or fight.”  That’s not something to brag about; it’s a red flag.

If a couple doesn’t argue, it is a sign of distrust. One or both members of the relationship are avoiding confrontation, and dismissing their own thoughts and feelings to please their partner in order to escape the discomfort of discourse. These relationship will not last because there is an absence of trust and an overwhelming presence of fear.

Examine your relationship and ask these questions:

Do each of us have the ability to listen and sift through the words, the tears or the yells to see the heart of what our partner is trying to communicate to us?

Are we willing to step outside of our desires to be right and validate each other’s feelings?

For those who are afraid of confrontation, focus on the solution, because it’s not about the argument, it’s the resolution that matters. Healthy relationships allow space for discomfort, because they know their partner is equally as committed to finding a solution.

What destroys a relationship is the need to win. What strengthens a relationship is the ability to listen.

An argument will dissolve when the people having the argument feel heard. 

When each person feels heard, there is peace. When there is peace, there is perspective. With perspective comes an apology.  Giving an apology is important, but the acceptance of the apology is more important.

How does the recipient accept the apology?

Does he or she accept the apology and release the residue that can lead to a terminal grudge and resentment?  

If he or she doesn’t accept the apology, contempt will seep into the relationship. Once contempt is present, the relationship is over.

Fighting fairly and honorably is an art. It is a lifelong practice. When partners are committed to the relationship, they will devote to communicating well and approach their disagreements as an opportunity to improve their partnership.

4. Compromise

A relationship is only as happy as the happiest person in it, and the relationship is happiest in the middle of the two people in it.

Mature participants of a relationship know sometimes one person has to travel a little farther to the center than the other. They are willing to make the trek, because they trust that the other will do the same when it is their turn.

When compromise is necessary ask yourself,“What matters more to me, my want to get my way or my need for peace? What do I need to do to create harmony right now?”

When you think and act in favor of the well being of your relationship, you will always air in favor of compromise; even if that means you travel a little farther than your partner because you know, if  your partner is miserable, you will be too and so will your relationship.

5. Understanding

You may know your partner now, but you weren’t born into his or her family. You didn’t experience his or her life first hand.

Everyone is formed and conditioned by their circumstance. We are taught how to communicate and function (whether directly or indirectly) by our parents.

You and your partner come to your relationship with different needs and ways of communicating. As his or her partner, it’s imperative you are understanding and accepting of your differences.

Instead of expecting them to communicate how you do, study them like a foreign language and learn their language with the same passion you show your favorite hobby. This will keep you from entering the gates of judgment and frustration, as you learn to “speak their language” and love them the way they need to be loved.

6. Patience

No one belongs to you. You can’t control anyone either. Despite how hard you try to persuade or manipulate another to respond and react in the way you want, they won’t and they don’t. Everyone thinks, feels and acts in their own way, on their own time.

If you try to rush someone’s process or push them to do something they don’t want to do, they will feel pressured. When a person feels pressured, they feel unsafe, unloved and unable to give love.

They will no longer be themselves, and when someone is not themselves, they are not honest. Without honesty, love dies, as will the relationship.

The most important thing you can do for the person you love is give them space. When a person has space, they feel free—free to feel and think, do what they love and be who they are in their own way, on their own time and they will want to share themselves with you.

Remember, love is not in a rush, it has all the time in the world.  

7. Sex

I use the word ‘sex’ to describe the seventh ingredient, but it’s more than just intercourse. It’s affection, touch, attention, warmth and kindness.

The ingredient of sex is comprised of reciprocity (an equality of service to one another) and the desire to show your partner he or she is special and wanted by you.

When a person feels wanted, they feel safe, loved and free (there’s that freedom part again).

Sex and all its components disappear because the individuals in the relationship stop feeling special, wanted and acknowledged by the other.

The feelings of love develop effortlessly, but if you want to keep love alive, you have to maintain it– you must work at it.

Relationships demand effort by both people, equally at the same time.

Daily effort applied to a relationship by its partners will lead to a lifetime of love. It can be a simple effort—a gentle touch, a sweet kiss, an arm wrapped around her belly as she washes dishes, or sitting by his side as he reads a book or watches his favorite show.

All of these actions are a reminder to your partner—I see you, I acknowledge you, I choose you, I’m trying because I love you and I want to keep loving you. 

***************

I’ve been alive for 34 and a half years, and I have concluded that love is undefinable. Although, I do know one thing I am absolutely sure of and that is, love is a choice.

Loving another person is a moment by moment choice. “I choose to love this person with everything I have right now.”

If you are in a relationship, I hope you commit to loving your partner with an honest heart, a fully present mind, transparency in feeling and thought, a willingness to compromise (because you understand who they are and what they need to feel loved).

I hope you choose to be patient with their process and you always find the time to express your love with a hug and a kiss, as if this moment is the last time you will ever hold them in your arms.

Oh, one last thing, never forget to say I love you—we can never say it too much.

Resonating... the beloved relationship

The Beloved Relationship. ~ Bettina Goodwin


A Beloved Relationship is when you speak your partner’s name and the very sound of it, the feel of it on your tongue is gentle, loving, beautiful, honoring.

It is the sweetness of a shared moment that only you and your partner understand. It is freedom, knowing, caring and joy. A natural flow of two hearts in one direction.

My husband often tells people that the most loving thing I ever said to him was, “I don’t need you.” When he shares this, I smile but he gets all sorts of different reactions from people. Some nod their head in understanding and others are bewildered by it. One thing is for sure though – I really don’t need my husband and he doesn’t need me.

But…

We love each other unconditionally.

We give each other the space to feel and work through whatever we need to.

We create a safe place for each other to share our truth.

We don’t take things personally.

We don’t have secrets.

We share what is in our heart of hearts in the most loving of ways.

And when we fail at any of these things as we do from time to time, we forgive ourselves and are secure in the knowledge that each of us will understand and love the other anyway. Here are the five major steps to take towards The Beloved Relationship.

Go within.

The Beloved Relationship actually begins within you. The most important thing we need to do is to be what we want to attract. So if you want a beloved relationship, one of unconditional love, of caring and respect and honor, then you must feel all of these things for yourself. And once you can feel it towards yourself, you will naturally treat others in kind.

Don’t blame.

The Beloved Relationship doesn’t mean you never get upset or angry or hurt. What it does mean is that you can take responsibility for those feelings and work through them without blaming the other person.

Be Vulnerable.

It also means that you trust the other person enough, feel safe enough to express your vulnerability to them, knowing they will listen without judgment, criticism or trying to fix it for you.

Be Compassionate.

It’s a big part of getting through conflict in a Beloved Relationship. Compassion is being able to listen, understand, empathize and allow the other person to feel what they need to feel, say what they need to say and be who they need to be during times of stress, pain, loss, fear, anger and upset. It can exist in silence.

Love Yourself.

With total self-love you enter into the relationship knowing that you are worthy, beautiful, strong, wise and kind and that you don’t need the relationship to show you these things about yourself. The relationship can be the reflection of what you feel inside. (It is always a reflection of your inner world.)

Now doesn’t that take a lot of the pressure off of each individual in the relationship? Things flow, you can have fun and there are no conditions upon which you share your love. You both come to the table loving yourselves unconditionally and that love flows steadily back and forth between you in waves of joy, peace and passion.

It’s not about the things we give each other but the feelings we share. And we can only share what we feel inside us. So if what you’re sharing isn’t what you’d like, maybe it’s time to make a change from the inside and share what you really want on the outside.

Resonating... day 326. stand in it.

day 326. stand in it.

For so much of my life, I thought that before I could love myself, I’d need to banish the parts of myself that were unlikable.

I thought I needed to cast out the darkness, the imperfections, the shadows – before I could be loveable to myself, or any one else.

I really didn’t trust that the deepest kind of love was unconditional.

So I spent years and years of my life trying to fight off anything that felt too close to being loved.

Because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be yet. I wasn’t quite worth loving – at least not as I was, just yet.

I didn’t know that to really know love, you have to be willing to stand in the broken.

You have to stand in all that you are – all your flaws, all your failures, all your shit – and declare that there is nothing so wrong about you that isn’t worth loving.

It’s not an easy thing to do. To love yourself even when you know you’re not that likable.

Hell, I struggled to stand in my own broken self tonight.

The temptation to wallow in my shortcomings and curse my parents for thinking it was a good idea to bring my wretched being into this world got really strong. So for a solid 30 minutes I lamented my very existence and felt the warm embrace of self pity wash over me.

Until I remembered – ok, was gently reminded by J – that self hatred is highly unproductive and generally gets me less of what I want.

Because what I want, what we all want, I think, is know that we are loved. And it’s true what they say, you really can’t feel the love of any one until you love yourself. And loving other people the way they deserved to be loved? Heck, it’s just impossible.

So, sometimes you’ve got to start small. Even if at first you just start by loving the pinky toe of your right foot, eventually, the love will grow. That’s the awesome thing about love. Once it gets started, it becomes uncontrollable.

Tonight I started with loving the easy bits. I love my elbows. I love my eyebrows. I love the fact that that after 326 days, I’m still writing. I love my commitment. I love my brain. I love that even when it’s really easy to sink into the darkness, I keep swimming.

Until suddenly, I found myself starting to love my shadows. I love that I still struggle. I love the parts of myself that are real and scared and small.

And then I saw it. I saw this human being in front of me that truly believes there is something about me that is unconditionally appealing. And this guy, I think he’s on to something.

Because truth be told, he’s not perfect either – and yet I love him (without much rhyme or reason sometimes) too.

Maybe this is what it really means to be human. To recognize that we’ve all got our broken. We’ve all got our own darkness, our own failures, our own twisted thoughts and dirty secrets. And without all that, well, we’d all be kind of boring.

So stand in the flaws and the failures and the shit, and declare yourself lovable because of it all.

Resonating... live like that

Live Like That -Lisbeth Darsh

Stop chasing what’s already gone, what’s done, what’s finished.

(Accept it, like you accepted this morning’s clouded sunshine. You didn’t argue that, did you?)

Let go, like all those silly people tell you to.

They are right. (As surprising as that is — and yes, I know you hate to admit they are right.)
The lights are ahead. Drive into the fog. You will be able to see, even when you can’t.

Live here.

Live now.

Live well.

Live so that people say, “Holy heck, I can’t believe that’s her. She’s amazing.”

Yeah, live like that.

Resonating... the wunder year day 294. better than a manual.

The Wunder Year: day 294. better than a manual.


People don’t come with instruction manuals.
 
Communication might be a whole lot easier if we did, but unfortunately, more often than not, we have to learn each other through a frustrating game of trial and error.

Somehow, even though I am well aware of the fact that nobody comes with a handbook, I often forget that the people around me don’t just inherently get me.

My sister, my boyfriend, the dude making my coffee – they actually have no idea how to interact with me on any given day.

Other than some social norms and general codes of conduct, until we’re well into the dance of intimacy, my motivations, my behaviours, my feelings, my human experience is a total mystery.

The golden rule might say “treat others as you wish to be treated” which granted, is a pretty good place to begin. The thing is, if I’ve learned one thing about what people need to feel respected, valued and heard, it’s that we’re not all looking for the same thing.

Some people need space, some people require guidance. Others want a laugh, and others may simply need you to hold their hand while they cry.

And the really confusing part? Given the situation, we may not always need the same thing.

I believe it was Oprah that said “you teach people how to treat you.” It’s not exactly a revolutionary statement, but when put into practice, it can transform even the most dysfunctional of relationships.
I realized it last night as I was wallowing in a soggy mess of self pity.

In the past, when my uncertainty and fear have caused me to feel open to judgement and shame, I’ve reacted by pushing the people who love me away.

If I had a manual, it would read “When the subject cries, snaps at you, slams doors and screams into her pillow, she is experiencing intense vulnerability. Contrary to her physical and verbal cues, she would like you to wrap your arms around her and be present with her as she works through her fears.”

You can imagine that for a long time I was very confused as to why the people in my life gave up trying to “deal with me”.

It’s taken some trial and error, but as I felt myself moving into that space of emotional instability last night, instead of expecting J to know exactly how to handle me, I calmly asked if he could just be with me while I sobbed for five to eleven minutes.

Now I know a) he thinks I’m a bit crazy and b) he had to resist every urge to try and fix my emotions for me, but the simple act of asking him treat me as I needed to be treated in that moment was enough for me to move through the wave of vulnerability.

It was far more effective to ask specifically for what I needed instead of blaming him for being incapable of reading a manual that doesn’t exist.

And in my request, J didn’t have to say yes. He could very well have ignored my ask and continued playing his video game or given me a hundred different solutions to my problem.

But when someone makes a reasonable request for what they need to feel valued, respected and heard, it would be pretty unreasonable for you to say no.

People don’t come with instruction manuals. But we do come with a voice.

While we may have lost it somewhere along the road, it’s never too late to begin to the practice of teaching the people in our lives what we need to feel valued. And in doing so, we begin valuing the people in our lives in return.

http://liveinwunder.com/2013/10/21/day-294-better-than-a-manual/

Resonating... What If We Strip Away the Artifice & See Each Other As We Are. ~ Vicki Rivard

What If We Strip Away the Artifice & See Each Other As We Are. ~ Vicki Rivard

What if I don’t want to talk about the weather?

What if, instead, I want to talk about the doubts that tiptoe their way up your spine, lodge between your vertebrae and soften your backbone? What if I want to ask about what keeps you up at night when the rest of the world has gone to sleep and about the recurring loop-dream you’ve been having and what you think it means? What if I want to know about the pink scar on your chin and where it comes from and why you try to hide it with your scarf?

What if I don’t care about what’s on TV or the Breaking Bad finale?

What if, instead, I care about the secret song that lives in your lungs that nobody hears but you? What if I ask you to breathe it to me and I promise to listen and I really do? What if I’m curious about the last time you lost, the last time you grieved and is there anything in this world you would die for? What if I’m interested in your proudest moment, your most haunting regret, the face you thought you’d remember but that now you forget?

What if I don’t want to sit in a noisy pub and guzzle beer until the night becomes a blurry haze?

What if, instead, I want to sit with you in a park, in the dark, swallowing mouthfuls of moon and sharing memories of our mothers? What if I want to take your hand in mine and touch the bones that live there, the knobby joints, the rough patches, the creases at the wrist? What if I want to run my fingers up and down your arm, tracing the route of your veins, revering the blood flow that keeps you alive? What if—for a whole minute, a whole hour—I want to look into your eyes without flinching, to tour the truest part of you, that place that cannot die?

What if I want to break open your sternum and glimpse inside your tattered heart and tell you it may be tattered, but it is your loveliest organ and there is a blood-red garden growing there?

What if I don’t want to chat on Facebook and skim through your photographic highlight-reel?

What if, instead, I want to see your broken parts and blemishes? What if I want to strip away the layers and stand with you, skin and souls laid bare, bony bits protruding, ugly spots exposed? What if I want to place my head on your belly and listen to your liver communing with your spleen and feel the gurgle of your gut and the inklings of your instinct? What if I want to ask you the question that scares you the most and swear I won’t run away when I hear your honest answer? What if I don’t run away?

What if I’m choking on the artifice of it all and feeling like we’re missing out because we’re scratching the surface with the questions underneath the questions, but the veneer is thick and we have barely made a mark? What if we’re all here, on this perfect planet, at this time, together, because we are treasures for each other to discover and rediscover, but what if we’re too distracted by our Twitter feeds to notice?

What if I don’t give a damn about where you studied or what your job is or how much money you make?

What if, instead, I give a damn about the first time you found love and the way your cells shifted to make room for that new feeling that was more force than feeling? What if I give a damn about the tattoo on your thigh and why you have it and when you got it and did it hurt and do you love it? What if I give a damn about what turns you on, what turns you off, how you like to be touched and how you pray? What if I give a damn about the things that amaze you, that fill you up, that move you to tears, that move you to move, that make you wonder, that make you glow and go slow and look up and see the stars and feel the stars inside you?

What if I give a damn about you, remarkable, fragile, dangerous you?

But what if I don’t want to talk about the weather? What then?

Think we could be friends?

“Lie beside me and let the seeing be healing. No need to hide. No need for either darkness or light. Let me see you as you are.”

~ Jeanette Winterson, Art and Lies.

Resonating... Date a Woman Who Knows Everything (& Nothing). ~ Renée Picard

I love every part of this and the beauty is that many things on the list have graciously already found their way into my life and into my being.  I'm living much of this and the rest I can learn from.  I am grateful everyday for spending the time to learn about myself and to grow into the beautiful woman that I am, that I love. ~J.


Date a Woman Who Knows Everything (& Nothing). ~ Renée Picard

What we do (hobbies, work, roles) matters. It says something about our souls. But I also think that we can get too caught up in what we do when how we are matters more. So here is my version.

Date a woman who knows the beauty of being alone.

Date a woman who is hard-headed, who is not afraid to speak her mind, who can be stubborn and passionate and wants to have the occasional debate because she wants to learn how you think and how you see the world. She questions assumptions (including her own), explores ideas, breaks molds. She is naturally curious. She wants to be stretched.

She wants to change your mind and she wants her own mind changed.

Date a woman who knows fear, sorrow, loss. Who isn’t scared to get naked. She knows that her own beauty lies in knowing her true value (but now and then she forgets, and then you can step in to remind her).

Date a woman who knows her way around her own heart and is not afraid to break it. She knows what it wants and she stands up for it with conviction.

Date a woman who knows how to make real eye contact, because she values intimacy. She thrives on her capacity to build authentic relationships and surrounds herself with only this kind.

Date a woman who knows that she loves at least one thing fiercely: her children, her work, her art, her trade, her garden, her animals.

Date a woman who knows that taking/offering space to grow can sometimes be the best kind of love that one person can offer another, even when this means saying goodbye.

Date a woman who you are unsure of at first, not because she doesn’t seem like enough but because she scares you a little bit in her realness. Yet she continues to surprise and challenge you in this very way every time you see her.

Date a woman who knows how to laugh at herself, who might sometimes just crack the corniest jokes but they make you smile anyway.

Date a woman who sees as much possibility in sitting in silence as she does exploring every nook: world, body, mind, soul. She holds a quiet confidence. She walks with purpose.

Date a woman who knows that her heart is fragile. When it becomes too melty and heavy she might tuck herself away to feel better: let her. Then drop her a note or stop by for tea to lighten her up (she will need this but might not be able to ask for it).

Date a woman who will drop everything in a millisecond to help a friend in need.

Date a woman who knows that love is something that comes from inside, not something that she can ‘get’ from someone else, because she knows that she is love(d).

Date a woman who accepts herself today but (gently) pushes herself to be better the next. You will want to do the same by just being around her.

Date a woman who understands the problems with being ‘too busy.’

Date a woman who is sure about this one thing: that we can never really be sure about anything.

Because life is fluid. And each day she realizes how beautiful and scary this is, and so she humbles herself to it. She starts each every day looking to learn, experience, create, teach something new, because she knows that this is what makes life (worth living).

Date a woman who knows art and music. She may not create it herself but she needs it to move through her because it makes her (and the world) better.

Date a woman who understands the value of taking a risk, who is not afraid of making a mistake because she knows how to pick herself back up after she falls.

She’s ready to accept your offer to help her up the next time she does.

Date a woman, not a girl. But when the little girl in her comes out now and then (and she will), you will still love her as the woman that she is.

Be with—no, know—a woman who wants to understand herself a little better each day. She wants to understand you too. You may not have met her yet, but in a way she already does.

Letters to you… ‘whose life am I living?’

This morning on my drive to work, sipping my coffee – I found myself laughing at how thoroughly I spilled the same hot brown liquid all over me on Sunday – head to toe, literally.  I thought of how you’d have laughed at me too, shook your head at my amazing abilities.  How I finally had to wash the scent of you off the scarf I’ve claimed as my own, the scarf that  you hold so dear, the scarf that I still wear every single day.  The one you noticed me wearing randomly over coffee last week and didn’t ask for it back, didn’t even mention it.  The one that held that drop of coffee. 

It was the link between you and this scarf – the scarf that is full of travels and memories for you –and the link between a passage I read yesterday and you that bound themselves in my mind, formed words and thoughts that needed to escape.  The passage – ‘whose life am I living?’ resonated so dearly with me, to you.  Conversations we’ve had before.  Transitions and choices, becoming who you want to be in this instant – a decision, a shift.

Whose life am I living?

Are you living your life, or are you living a version of your life that you hope will please everyone else?

The honest answer to that question is important if you’re truly going to walk your own path.

In my mind I could see the picture of you in Brazil, scarf round your neck – happy and full of life and love.  Radiating in all that surrounded you – new and unknown, vibrant and absorbing everything in that moment.  Awake and aware.   A period of time where you were just living – experiencing it all, fully.  Blissfully.  The fresh and unfamiliar transition that only a new city can provide.  The transition that I’ve experienced myself now – twice.  Vancouver.  Perth.  A chance for reinvention, for leaving the past far behind and being fully in that moment the person who we most want ourselves to be.  A new identity all at once.  Free.

I see myself breaching the rocky mountains – the first time.  Feel like I’ve made my escape – the fearful and tough 26 year old that I was, running from a past of shattered hearts and monsters unleashed.  Starting over.  Alone again.  Lonely, but surviving.  Independent.  Finding my feet in those solid eight years I spent in that city – friendships formed, brief romances, a complete contentedness created.  Growing into a woman fully.  Learning to love me outside any previous expectations or constructs.  A new beginning.  Redefined. 

And then once more – from this solid footing, a leap of faith.  A journey half way around the world, uprooted once more. To Perth.  Evolving further still – fully now the woman I want to be.  Happy and loving.  Loved.  Fear and insecurities left behind, an ocean away.  They come back still in rare moments when I falter, the familiar feeling of comfort  that wrapping myself in them provides – a blanket that I wore for so long - but I can shake them off now, easier, easily.  I am whole here.  I have found my home.  Found me.  The world opening up to me, bringing all my dreams into reality.  It’s amusingly easy.  Bold.  Beautiful. 

I wonder then if this same freedom and transcending love was what surrounded your beauty in Brazil – new life started.  Undefined.  You weren’t your past – the drugs and bars and random beds.  You weren’t your job or your family or the expectations of your friends.  You were solely you – on your own two feet, forging your own path.  Free to connect honestly and soulfully to the new world around you.  The truest and most honest version of you.  Full of love and compassion and belief in yourself.  Supported by the people who got to know you as this man, the man newly created by you.  A new start. 

I sense that man now, still – the scarf that I now wear holds the memories, the feelings of who you were then – the travelling gypsy.   I sense it when you tell me stories of those times – it’s in how your body relaxes, how you feel so alive, awakened.  It’s in the shift in your energy, more vibrant and luminous when you transplant yourself back into that time and place – even as you convey your struggles and fears, sickness – peacefulness still radiates from within you.  You still shine.

I sit here – in this city I now call home – that is home and I know I could never go back – to either Toronto or Vancouver.  Those places will always hold the memories and stories of the girl I was, stages of my life – steps that I needed to take in my journey.  I know though if I return I won’t fit any more.  It would be easy to fall back into old friendships, old circles, old cycles but that is no longer me.  I’ve shed that skin, can’t put it back on, would never feel quite right.  Conflict and contrast.  Stuck. 

They say you can never go home again and perhaps there is more truth in that than we know.  We often try and it changes us as much as the departure does.  But it doesn’t let us fly, it pulls us back into old patterns, old ways.  I wonder if you’ve felt this since you’ve returned to Perth.  Struggled between the old and the new as you find love once more in your family and try to fit back into the folds of the life you once lived.  Is it uncomfortable like a shirt that you’ve outgrown? Only you can say for certain.   I can assume though that it isn’t easy.  New stories inside you, a world explored, held deeply within while you fall back into old friendships that have always defined you – the boy who left - a loyalty that is hard to let go.  Do they still resonate with you, your friends, this city – on a level deep within your being – the man you are now, the man you yearn to be?

The man I shared a moment of this life with – separate from the world that you’ve fallen back to - held that stillness.  Tranquility and calm exuding from within him in moments of just being who he wants to be.  But you struggled against that – worlds colliding.  The new and fresh, the old and stable.  The easier and the redefined.  Comfortable and full of possibility.  Contrasting.  Fears taking hold.  I have seen the beautiful man you are, full of confidence and love – feel his essence woven into the scarf around my neck.  The man who captured my heart fully, who still holds a piece of it.  I hope you are forming that definition of you, the authentic and powerful man that you yearn to be.  That you can honestly answer that question above – ‘whose life am I living?’ – Living your live for you.  Only you.

Resonating... whose life am I living?

Simply because you have chosen to live more authentically and powerfully inside of who you are doesn’t mean that everyone around you will see the same for you.

Remember these people are in your life because you were, up to this point, a vibrational match for them.  Now you’re changing who you are in a significant way.  You’re going through a true energetic transformation.

What you’re “putting out there” now may not resonate with the people in your life, and what’s going to show up is their stuff.

Anytime a person tells you what isn’t possible for you, keep firmly in mind that this is their stuff. They are speaking their truth, most likely about what they see as possible or not for themselves.  They’re just directing it at you.

If these people are close to us, it is going to be very easy for us to be “triggered” by familiar emotional patterns or behavioral patterns that quickly return us to our own familiar emotional responses.

Admittedly, it is not always easy to get through this time of transition.  This is why it is so important to know that the vision you’ve created for yourself leads to great rewards, unlike anything you’ve experienced before.  The vision must be able to pull you through the most difficult times, and this will be much easier for you when you’ve mastered a good releasing technique.

When people are your obstacle, it is often because you are concerned about what they will think about you should you suddenly take a new direction in life. 

At that point you have to ask yourself the all-important question:

Whose life am I living?

Are you living your life, or are you living a version of your life that you hope will please everyone else?

The honest answer to that question is important if you’re truly going to walk your own path.

It is easy to get concerned over the fear associated with relationships transforming significantly or falling away completely, but that concern is also simply a choice we are making.  Many of us have been taught that the ending of a relationship is something to be mourned.  Instead, we can celebrate every moment of every relationship for what it meant to us.  When the time comes to move on, we can do so with no hurt and no sadness, trusting that all was for the greater good, and that perhaps if appropriate, our paths will cross again.

From Follow Your Passion, Find Your Power: Everything You Need to Know about the Law of Attraction by Bob Doyle