Resonating... the wunder year day 294. better than a manual.

The Wunder Year: day 294. better than a manual.


People don’t come with instruction manuals.
 
Communication might be a whole lot easier if we did, but unfortunately, more often than not, we have to learn each other through a frustrating game of trial and error.

Somehow, even though I am well aware of the fact that nobody comes with a handbook, I often forget that the people around me don’t just inherently get me.

My sister, my boyfriend, the dude making my coffee – they actually have no idea how to interact with me on any given day.

Other than some social norms and general codes of conduct, until we’re well into the dance of intimacy, my motivations, my behaviours, my feelings, my human experience is a total mystery.

The golden rule might say “treat others as you wish to be treated” which granted, is a pretty good place to begin. The thing is, if I’ve learned one thing about what people need to feel respected, valued and heard, it’s that we’re not all looking for the same thing.

Some people need space, some people require guidance. Others want a laugh, and others may simply need you to hold their hand while they cry.

And the really confusing part? Given the situation, we may not always need the same thing.

I believe it was Oprah that said “you teach people how to treat you.” It’s not exactly a revolutionary statement, but when put into practice, it can transform even the most dysfunctional of relationships.
I realized it last night as I was wallowing in a soggy mess of self pity.

In the past, when my uncertainty and fear have caused me to feel open to judgement and shame, I’ve reacted by pushing the people who love me away.

If I had a manual, it would read “When the subject cries, snaps at you, slams doors and screams into her pillow, she is experiencing intense vulnerability. Contrary to her physical and verbal cues, she would like you to wrap your arms around her and be present with her as she works through her fears.”

You can imagine that for a long time I was very confused as to why the people in my life gave up trying to “deal with me”.

It’s taken some trial and error, but as I felt myself moving into that space of emotional instability last night, instead of expecting J to know exactly how to handle me, I calmly asked if he could just be with me while I sobbed for five to eleven minutes.

Now I know a) he thinks I’m a bit crazy and b) he had to resist every urge to try and fix my emotions for me, but the simple act of asking him treat me as I needed to be treated in that moment was enough for me to move through the wave of vulnerability.

It was far more effective to ask specifically for what I needed instead of blaming him for being incapable of reading a manual that doesn’t exist.

And in my request, J didn’t have to say yes. He could very well have ignored my ask and continued playing his video game or given me a hundred different solutions to my problem.

But when someone makes a reasonable request for what they need to feel valued, respected and heard, it would be pretty unreasonable for you to say no.

People don’t come with instruction manuals. But we do come with a voice.

While we may have lost it somewhere along the road, it’s never too late to begin to the practice of teaching the people in our lives what we need to feel valued. And in doing so, we begin valuing the people in our lives in return.

http://liveinwunder.com/2013/10/21/day-294-better-than-a-manual/