You think I'm a positive person and I am (mostly) and I'm happy too
(mostly) but I'm struggling right now. I don't like the person I'm
becoming when I'm with you. The one who silently screams for attention -
it's stemming from my insecurities and I don't know how to make it
stop. I'm an all in kinda girl, in everything. I don't take reckless
chances but I've learned that if I just listen, my intuition guides me
to the right people.
You asked me that once - how could I know since I barely knew you. I
just did. I do. I see the person you are. This generous and
compassionate man who would do anything to help anyone but yet who is
hesitant to trust and struggles to let others help him in return. The
man who wants love in his life but is also terrified of that exact
thing. Who deflects personal questions with humor but who when pressed
just a little will talk about things he doesn't often let out. How your
eyes reveal your emotions and how they often sparkle when you look at
me. I feel how you hurt when I'm hurting and I feel protected when I
slip into that space under your arm that feels like it was made just for
me. I love how you challenge me and tease me and are stubborn
sometimes just because you know you can get away with it (and how I can
get around it). How you embrace my friends and tolerate my silliness. I
can also see a beautiful future with you - no expectations, just you
and me navigating this world side by side. Together. But I struggle to
know where or how you see me fitting into your life.
I started thinking last night (scary I know!) and wanted to ask you
what it was about me that scared you but then I turned the question back
onto me - what is it about you that is scaring me, that's holding me
back, that's making me feel insecure... and I realized that I am
terrified of not being enough for you when that's what I want so badly.
I''m scared that you'll never feel about me the way I do about you. I
know you have feelings for me but I don't know what to do with those
words. You care about me but you care so much about so many things that
it feels like I'm just another line on that list especially when you're
always running away, never to me. I want the man who will kiss me
because he can't help himself or will randomly show up at my door
because he just wants to see me without there being any drama. I want to
hold your hand through the good and the bad and the ordinary and I want
to be there, with you, every day.
I struggle because I know that there is nothing I can do to convince
you, there is nothing but time that can show you that you can trust me
and though I never want it to come to it, there's nothing but the world
falling apart that can prove to you that I'll still be around when life
gets shitty. I hate feeling so out of control. Like I'm sitting half
way in the middle of all or nothing, alone - I feel stuck.
I respect your need for time, I do. I can stand in your shoes as
well
as my own and see the gap between us. Funny isn't it. We approach
almost everything from the opposite perspective and yet we still fit so
well when we can meet in the middle. Right now though I feel like I'm
in the middle on my own, just waiting. I can
rationalize many things, flip my perspective and negotiate with my heart
to have patience, talking it down from jumping full on, taking it slow,
respecting your requests but it's not who I am inside. It's not what I
want. I'm a person who lives through my heart not my head and that's
why I struggle. Day after
day lately it's my head that's holding my heart back and my heart is
starting to hurt from being confined.
My walls are coming up and I don't want them to. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I don't know...
j.
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