Be the girl who... isn't afraid to let go

Be the girl who isn’t afraid to let go.  This has been my biggest lesson of the past year.  Let go.  Of expectations, of judgments.  Of creating stories around events that merely happen.  Facts.  Stop tying emotions to these things.  Let go.  Let go of the outcomes, of the answers, of the results.    It’s freeing when you no longer have an attachment to how things can or should happen.  Suddenly you are staring at a million different possibilities of what comes next.  Options.  Freedom.  Empowerment.  From this place you can choose to be whatever you want in the moment – without outside influences.  Just whoever you are.  Any manifestation of your true self.  Let go.

I often fail at letting go though.  An epic battle within myself that usually only dawns on me after something has been taken away from me or is about to be.  Too late.  I often hold on too tight – realize but never soon enough.  I’m getting better.

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”  ― Kaleel Jamison

With him the silent struggle for control overpowered us – it’s easy to see now.  We fought against each other rather than forming a united front as a team.  Partners.  What is most frustrating is that by the time I recognized my old patterns, started to find myself again – it was already too late.  He had already made up his mind.  Alone.  I can see now though how I tried to keep everything with us perfect, control the outcome even as we started to fade.  Especially as we started to fade.  I believed somehow that by keeping it all the same that it would go back to how it was, how it had been but we had already changed.  I should have acknowledged that, I should have let go.  I was too afraid though of losing him.  Losing us.  A result that came anyway.  If I had let go things might have been different.  If I had let go of the outcome we could have had the hard conversations up front rather than long after we had ended.  I could have been fearless in the face of it all.  Seen our potential, our downfalls – all at once.  Both sides.  A fork in the road.  I could have let go of us and we could have been stronger.  It could have have hurt less. 

I’m still learning though.  A constant state of evolution but it’s getting better.  Easier.  Day by day.  Recognition.  I fall back into old habits but I can find my way out now, can find me once again.  My happy.  I’m letting go of the old me.  The past.  Him.  I’m being less afraid and more trusting that everything will turn out amazing in the end.  I’m letting go.  Be the girl who isn’t afraid to let go.