Letters to you... a long time coming...

I wish you could see the woman I am now.  I think lately that is what keeps brining you back into my thoughts – that and it is that time of year once again – November, February – where I always seek to reconnect only you’re not at the other end anymore.  Haven’t been for a very long time and yet I keep finding myself drawn back to you.

For many years now I always trusted that you were the person that knew me best and that you always would be.  Perhaps even a part of me believed that you were the only person who could know me that well – especially as it was (at the time) better than I knew myself.  That though has since changed.  I no longer need to hold true to this belief as I now know myself and I am awesome.  I can now let go of the need I held for you for so long – the need for validation from you and the knowing that there was someone out there that could see the real me.  Many people can see me now and that perfect man for me – he’ll see me here, now.  In the present not the past that you keep bringing me back to.

It’s been far too many years since you and I – you might not even know me at all now and even if you did – that girl that I was back then, that you would remember – she is no longer.  I have grown, I have changed.  I am different.  I know myself now as I never did back then.  I have found myself in so many ways and no longer need you to mirror my beauty back to me the way I once did – the way I did for so very long when I was scared and hiding and unable to grasp on to the things that I wanted the most.  The things I ran from.  You.

Thank you for being such a huge part of my history both in presence and perspective for you have stuck with me for all this time.  I understand what you saw in me back then, the amazing woman that I am, that I finally grew into.  So now, when I feel the need to reach out to you it isn’t about needing anything from you anymore but rather just because a part of me wishes you would see who I have become.  To show you that though we have long since fallen apart you helped me learn, to be open in the face of love and mostly to find love in myself.  To believe in me.  To believe in that girl you saw potential in from day one, when I was too scared to acknowledge or believe in back then. 

Thank you for truly seeing me when I couldn’t but I can take it from here now.  I have a firm grasp on the love that fills me, radiates from me, sustains me and flows back to me.  I now love myself, have found my happiness a million miles away from the story of us.

The universe brings people into our lives at the time and place when we need them the most and I really did need you back then but now I can stand on my own.  I only wish you could see me now, you’d truly love the woman I’ve become but maybe you already know.  Knew even then. 

I’d really like to wrap you up in a great big hug my friend.  Thank you for everything.

With love,

J.

Letters to you... what do you want?

November 28, 2013

‘What do you want?’

I asked you a few weeks back what you wanted, knowing full well what you don’t want.  A hard question to answer.

I read an article today that resonated – that brought me back to this question.  The basis of the article was that we are really good at listing off what we are not but not very good at listing what we are.  We define ourselves more easily with the nots – have nots, are nots, do nots – rather than live fully in who we are, what we have, what we do.  Embracing our own flawed characters, falling in love with ourselves exactly as we are – the unique and unyielding, the awesome and amazing, the bratty and broken.  All of it making us beautiful humans.

As these thoughts and questions collided I started to think again of that question in a slightly different way.

‘What do I want?’

And the answers started streaming.

I desire a deep connection on a human level – the sunshine and scars, the fantasy and fear.  Complete picture.  Open and endless.  I desire to fall in love with my best friend.  I desire a man in my life fully, committed to us as a team through it all.  A man who is emotionally available and open to confide in, one that shares my hopes and dreams and also has his own that he’s working toward too.  A man who challenges me and brings out my best and for whom I do the same.  A man who stands up for me, celebrates successes and is strong by my side when the world seems to fall apart – who holds my hand as I do his when times are tough.

I desire a man to cherish and be cherished by, to love fully and kiss unabashedly when the urge pops up.  I desire a man to snuggle and cuddle with, to be passionate and intimate – moments we share solely with each other.  A spot in his arms that is a perfect fit for me – a place I belong.  I desire a man who protects me and walks with me, can shoulder my tears and cheer me up with a smirk and his sparkling eyes and can be cared for a comforted by me all the same.  

I desire a partner in crime, a steady date and the romance and laughter of everyday living.  A man who has beautiful friends that he introduces me to and falls into the circle of mine just the same.  A man to share space with – both together and apart, to add to his happiness as he does to mine.  A man who knows me to my core, understands my moods and needs and tolerates my brattiness when it erupts from within.  A man who can communicate well with me – with whom I reveal my deepest of secrets, find safety in being  vulnerable with and who brings out my enchanting feminine charms. 

I desire a partner to travel with – to explore this wild world with together.  A man who desires to take me places and show me his roots and tell me the stories of his childhood.  A man who finds peace in the ocean and brightens my world with his creativity, who loves tradition but also realizes that listening to the universe is the easiest path through life, connected to our souls purpose.  A man constantly learning, who is spiritual, can find positive, has faith even when chaos abounds.  A man who is silly and playful and intelligent and driven.  A man who is healthy and fit and loves to train with me, finding fun in the exhaustion of it all.   A man who misses me when I’m away, who calls often and that desires me as much as I desire him.

A man who is all of these things for me because I am the same for him.  Two independent souls choosing to love each other every single day whatever that day may bring.

I want a marriage and children – a family of my own that blends into the larger families we already have – his and mine.  Raising to impressionable beings as best we can and trusting that the universe holds us close along the way.

I want a relationship that is ever lasting.  One forever.  Together.  Give and give.  I am already full of love and grace, for myself and the world around me – I am ready to share too, loving selflessly, romantically and trusting the universe to keep the energy in motion, for it is only in giving that we create the space to receive too.  Circling, an endless dance.  Love.  Life.  

With love,

J.

Resonating... how to receive love...

This post resonated with me a while back and I just found it today - it's funny because I've been looking inward lately towards the ways that I block this love in my life as I keep attracting similar men - the amazing ones full of potential but not quite right for anything more than the attention that I give them - I'm working on me and getting stronger, being vulnerable and being love and amazing things are unfolding.  This was a great reminder today.  

(bolded text all mine)

How to Receive Love -Via Tracy Crossley

It should be as simple as opening your arms and welcoming it, right?

It should come easily to those of us who believe we give it freely. We’re all here to give and receive, so what’s the problem?

We’re our own worst enemy when it comes to the ways we block love. How often do we look with disdain when love appears to come without a struggle? For some of us, at least the ones who can’t seem to welcome it without a fight, we judge it.

We feel unworthy of love’s tender charms. We roast in the hellfire of having someone in our life who cannot give it to us and we blame him or her, feel rejected and constantly question what we’re doing!

I’ve been here and at times I still struggle.

In the past, I attracted people who mirrored me, who couldn’t receive love and therefore I’d put on my best show, my best dress and try to win them over. Perhaps, I’d get a few pats on the head or some other breadcrumbs, but nothing resembling anything I gave to them. I worked my ass off trying to get them to love me and completely frustrated by my efforts, I would sooner or later give up!

Inevitably, they’d come back around, hoping I’d put on another show, hoping this time they could receive the love I had to give, but the story always ended the same.

These men mirrored me.

They believed they had to work hard too. They would look to the most impossible person around them…the one they felt they had to squeeze love out of, who was crazy, mean or rejecting and focus their efforts there. It would leave me scratching my head, with all the love I had to give them, why oh why, couldn’t they send any my way?

It was a quandary. First, I had to realize I had an aversion to accepting or receiving love, meaning every time someone did something nice for me or complimented me. I had to recognize my reaction. That was big! It made me wonder, when would I think I was good enough to receive what others were offering?

And the journey to find out how to receive love began…

I started valuing myself. I gave loving kindness to me, in turn; I felt less of that painful emptiness. That horrible self-rejecting feeling started to diminish. At the same time, I was able to recognize my non-loving ways. I saw clearly the men I attracted preferred the struggle of trying to get the “impossible” to love them; I know, because when I was “impossible” that’s when they’d show their love to me.

We laced up our dancing shoes to get caught up in the yo-yo game. Do you know that one? Well, when you can’t receive love its what you do—the push/pull, the fall off the face of the Earth and re-appear game.

Anything to create distance, all the while yearning for intimacy. Hoping for some chance, change or flicker of light from our beloved and that’s why it never changes. It’s not about them; it’s about you; it’s about me.

We deny ourselves love; we invest in someone with a wall that matches our wall, because no one can make it safe enough for us to receive love, except ourselves.

Look at how we stay in loveless marriages and relationships, where we’re ignored and we stay longer than we need to, perhaps waiting for the other person to welcome us back with open arms…and it never happens, ever, because they mirror us.

It’s a feeling we’re used to from our earliest relationships, one interlaced with disappointment, frustration, sadness, rejection, and loneliness; it’s probably been there since we were kids, so now what?

Vulnerability.

I’d be vulnerable—feel close, intimate and then want to cut off, cut out or cut down the good feeling, before it overwhelmed me and took me out of my own self-induced misery or worse took me to an unknown place, where I couldn’t handle the loss of control. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being open to rejection, from wanting to receive that love. I’d make excuses. I believed if I stayed open to receiving love with a man, he’d find me unworthy, unlovable and toss me aside.

How do we survive the vulnerability required?

Feeling we don’t deserve love, keeps us from opening to our vulnerability.

Believing we can’t handle the inevitable pain ahead makes us create more pain, by denying ourselves. We can’t fix this in another, we cannot force them to receive or give love, and all we can do is look at where we block love, where we say “no.”

One way to be open to receiving is to stop creating stories and excuses. Removing our mental energy from trying to analyze the thoughts of another, as to why they do what they do or assuming we understand a story about them that they have never told, will help us to remove the barriers we have in the way.

When we stop pointing the finger outside of us to nonexistent circumstances and instead make a decision to be of love, we change our position.

Accepting our insecurities, we stop beating ourselves up for all the protection, gyrations and running away we do and instead, stand still to receive love. It’s then that we don’t know where it’ll come from, we can’t strategize or pretend, we must be present, honest and admitting the truth.

We must stop destroying ourselves through the relationships we have with another, meaning the giving without receiving or receiving without giving. The walls, the obstacles, the lack of perfection, the childish games meant to protect no one, we must give it all up.

This is how to receive love with open arms.

Letters to you... would you miss me?

If tomorrow I left the country never to return what would regret not telling me?

If I were to die today what would you regret not doing together?

If you never saw me again what would you regret the most?

Would you have regrets?

Would you miss me at all?

Would you remember me fondly?

These thoughts reside in me often these days.  Not in a morbid sense but rather in the way that keeps me present in this moment.  Taking nothing for granted.  Enjoying each connection with every person I encounter in my life.  Relating.

Our lives are full of things – things to do, things to have, things to be – but what if we stripped them all away.  Removed all our things and stood bare before each other.  Naked.  Reduced to our purest form and just were.  Just as we were the day we arrived into this world.  Innocent.  Naive.

Immune to the pressures and influences that shape us.

Can we connect on the most basic level – as humans.

When you take away all that we have, we are all that is left.  Beings, souls residing in flesh.  The beauty of this world resides within our bodies – our thoughts and feelings rooted deep within who we are.  Who we are is far greater than what we have.  It cannot be bought and it cannot be taken away and yet we keep it well hidden.  Sometimes even from ourselves. 

I see peoples light and goodness.  I’m often blinded by their potential.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This way of connecting – of wanting to delve deeper – share secrets and stories.  Adventures.  Disclose the ugliness of our fears and realize that when exposed to the light of day, of another – that the burden lessens, the world opens up.  We become free.

I surround myself with lovely people – hearts of gold among them even if they hide them well.  I peak around the corners and into the darkness but I am never afraid.  Curious and amazed by what I see – beauty hidden within the scars and strength that shape our curves.  Exquisite humans beneath the surface, beneath the haves.  The humans that stand before me, surround me, fill my life with love and grace.

Many wear their armor – surrounded by their stuff but I see them free – unencumbered.  Their essence and magic and I seek to connect.

I ask myself these questions because tomorrow and all the days after are full of unknowns, change ever present – people come and go, the nature of relationships change.  I think of these questions to keep myself grounded, to be present in the moment and grateful for the time that we share.  No regrets, just compassion for each of our journey’s. 

I don’t fear the future now and I don’t regret the past because the beauty stands here now in these moments.  Leaving smiles in my wake on their faces.  Touching their hearts with love.  Breathing life into every one of them as they do in return because we never know when the changes will come.  Will tear them away or the relationship fades.  The beauty is now.  Be here now.

Letters to you... history repeating?

I sit here and remember that day – late September – when you surprised me with your call.  Mid-day.  I told you I needed to talk, a friendly ear but I didn’t expect it so soon – to sneak away from the office for a quick chat because I needed you my friend.  You were there without delay.  I needed you because everything in my world was being tossed and turned, the things on the horizon so unclear, unknown.  You called, no questions asked.  It seems like only yesterday.

It was similar to so many times before.  With him calling me.  Random lunchtime conversations.  Regularly.  The same red chairs, sun streaming through. Elevators dinging in the background.  Like a life time ago.

But as with him, this thing with you is taking the same path.  Forgive me then for intertwining you both.  The start so much the same, easy, effortless.  The same words echoing through my mind, different voices the meaning identical.  You are both so different but still here I sit.  Still on a solo journey – neither of you able to give me what I want.  What I need.  What I deserve.  What I know is coming – it’s on the horizon still. 

I look to myself wondering why it’s all playing out the same.  What within me is attracting the same unavailable men.  What causes me to push outwardly when inwardly I know to step away.  Why do I keep trying when I know the pieces just don’t fit.  Why view the potential when what I see is what I get.  I’m still learning. 

Sitting here now I only wish for more time with you.  What I was pushing for all along, pushing you away in the process.  Damage done, I can see that now no matter how many times you tell me that we’re okay.  It was only yesterday that you admitted to me – out loud, finally – what I knew already – you don’t do what you feel like you’re forced to do.  No matter that we want the same things.

You like spending time with me

I like spending time with you

We don’t though because of the latter it seems.

I want your time and so you can’t – won’t – give it.

An eye for an eye and we are all blind?  No matter.  It is how it is. Where we are now.  A place where you say it’s all okay and I feel the difference – so far removed from where we began. 

I can’t change the past and you can’t seem to let go of it.  You tell me I’m over thinking but he did once too – caused me to doubt my intuition but I’ve realized it’s my biggest strength.  I see things, see people and I see you still.  Your beauty and charm and fear.  I feel your affection and attraction and distance too. 

I sit here in this same red seat as I’ve done many times before and my own words echo through my mind.  The ones I was telling a dear friend earlier today – as she sought advice for herself – sometimes you can’t get another to understand your feelings and you just have to choose – keep trying endlessly without success or just let go.  It’s my choice – as you have yours - and to me it is clear.  Only one way to move forward.

It’ll all be okay though, this I know.  I’ve been here before.  A year from now I’ll sit here again, wrapped up in someone perfect for me and smile fondly as I view this brief few months connecting with you.  Just as I do now remembering him in this spot last year.  Some great moments mixed with too much struggle.  Both.  Like going back in time – two different faces.  History repeating but the outcomes so different.  Changing.  Letting go instead of hanging on.  Love for myself instead of heartbreak.  Smiles instead of tears.  Stronger yet still open.  Vulnerable and enchanting and ready.  Ready to be swept off my feet by a man that enjoys my company so much that my needs and wants amplify his desire instead of pushing him away.  A man strong enough to tell me ‘no’ even as he sweeps me off my feet.  The perfect man for me sits on the horizon.  And I can’t wait to meet him.

Resonating... in the perfect time

If things aren’t happening how you want them to – CELEBRATE! - Mastin Kipp

A common theme that I’ve seen lately is the frustration folks feel when things are not happening as quickly as they want them to or the way they want them to.

 

Here’s the thing: we are on a spiritual path, connecting with the SOURCE OF ALL LIFE, and we think we should be telling IT how and when to make things happen in our lives.
In this age of tweeting, texting, instagramming, facebooking, googling, pinning, pining, longing and e-mailing, we’ve gotten lost in the outer technology. We’ve forgotten our inner technology. We’ve somehow begun to think that The Uni-verse should be working on OUR SCHEDULE, instead of taking the humble Path and allowing the Wisdom of the Ages that fuels the Sun, beats your heart and breathes life into you in every moment, the opportunity to chime in.

Spiritual growth doesn’t happen on your schedule. That’s WHY it’s spiritual growth. It’s not about The Uni-verse giving you what you want; it’s about The Uni-verse training you to be who you really are, tapped into Source, being a vessel of Grace and knowing the only thing you really need is the connection to your Source, and all physical manifestations that are in your best interest will follow.

Sometimes all the things you have put your faith in will be taken away, not as punishment, but as a way of teaching you that trusting The Uni-verse is all you really need to do. And then you think you have many problems, but the only real problem you have is that you are disconnected from your Source.

It’s like the drop of water that wants to surf a huge wave – it has to connect back with the ocean in order to do big things. It can try and try on its own, and it won’t be able to do a damn thing. But when it’s connected to its Source, it can be a TIDAL WAVE and it’s PUSHED, instead of needing to PUSH.

So if things aren’t happening how and when you want them to – CELEBRATE. The Master’s Hand is at work trying to show you a better way. Even if your mind doesn’t think so right away, there is a better way coming toward you. Stay open, stay available, stay in humble patience that the answer will be revealed and most likely in a way that you haven’t yet considered.

Live the mystery of life with gratitude instead of an entitled attitude. This is the Path of Grace. The Uni-verse will bring us to our knees, not as punishment, but to show us a better way.

A delay is not a denial – remember that and live the mystery!

Resonating... strong and complicated women

How to Love a Strong & Complicated Woman.

Jennifer S. White

Call her a pampered-princess type—you’d be right.

She knows her worth and value and she demands that her lover does too. (Lesson one.) You know, let’s just cut to the chase and dive in.

How to love a strong and complicated woman.

First, be open.

Because she will probably want to pull the blankets up over her head from time-to-time; closing herself—and her thoughts—off from the world—and the world includes you.

She’ll want you to know how she feels, of course, but she won’t always feel up to telling you. This will make your relationship challenging for both of you, because open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another without, well, misunderstandings.

So please talk to her about your own feelings and thoughts—your sharing will encourage hers.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask her questions, but do try being gentle rather than probing. (She says thank you in advance.)

And let’s get this out into the open right away: Complicated women who pretend that they are not complicated are a challenge.

You have your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are uncomplicated women—just like there are men who will see this article’s words and find themselves written here for their lovers to read.

Because sharing the same sex doesn’t make us the same person.

On the other hand, any woman with close girlfriends will be able to tell you that women, very generally speaking mind you, have their own ways of communicating and, sometimes, even thinking—all I’m suggesting is that it’s okay to admit it.

No, I’m going a step further and saying that if we do admit this that all of our relationships—be it a friendship or romantic partnership—will be easier because—re-read the first statement above and repeat after me: open communication is necessary for two people to properly understand one another.

 Okay, so back to the self-declared-uncomplicated-yet-complicated woman.

I’m probably not the best authority in this arena, because I often put my eccentricities on display (obviously).

However, I will tell you this: let her go on pretending that she’s not complex—you will not change her mind. This is a realization that she must come to own her own (or another woman who is a close enough friend can point it out to her—not you).

Why?

Simple—reflect upon the moments when you’ve probably “accused” her of being difficult to understand; likely they’ve been those times when you were irritated, and your words and thoughts were not coming from a completely loving place.

So, ladies, consider being more forthright about your needs—with him and with yourself—and, gentlemen, keep in mind that your own sharing and approachable receptivity will help her to come out of her shell—even if it’s at seemingly tortoise-like speeds—but, in the meantime, practice patience with her. (Because she’s worth it.)