Letters to you... a long time coming...

I wish you could see the woman I am now.  I think lately that is what keeps brining you back into my thoughts – that and it is that time of year once again – November, February – where I always seek to reconnect only you’re not at the other end anymore.  Haven’t been for a very long time and yet I keep finding myself drawn back to you.

For many years now I always trusted that you were the person that knew me best and that you always would be.  Perhaps even a part of me believed that you were the only person who could know me that well – especially as it was (at the time) better than I knew myself.  That though has since changed.  I no longer need to hold true to this belief as I now know myself and I am awesome.  I can now let go of the need I held for you for so long – the need for validation from you and the knowing that there was someone out there that could see the real me.  Many people can see me now and that perfect man for me – he’ll see me here, now.  In the present not the past that you keep bringing me back to.

It’s been far too many years since you and I – you might not even know me at all now and even if you did – that girl that I was back then, that you would remember – she is no longer.  I have grown, I have changed.  I am different.  I know myself now as I never did back then.  I have found myself in so many ways and no longer need you to mirror my beauty back to me the way I once did – the way I did for so very long when I was scared and hiding and unable to grasp on to the things that I wanted the most.  The things I ran from.  You.

Thank you for being such a huge part of my history both in presence and perspective for you have stuck with me for all this time.  I understand what you saw in me back then, the amazing woman that I am, that I finally grew into.  So now, when I feel the need to reach out to you it isn’t about needing anything from you anymore but rather just because a part of me wishes you would see who I have become.  To show you that though we have long since fallen apart you helped me learn, to be open in the face of love and mostly to find love in myself.  To believe in me.  To believe in that girl you saw potential in from day one, when I was too scared to acknowledge or believe in back then. 

Thank you for truly seeing me when I couldn’t but I can take it from here now.  I have a firm grasp on the love that fills me, radiates from me, sustains me and flows back to me.  I now love myself, have found my happiness a million miles away from the story of us.

The universe brings people into our lives at the time and place when we need them the most and I really did need you back then but now I can stand on my own.  I only wish you could see me now, you’d truly love the woman I’ve become but maybe you already know.  Knew even then. 

I’d really like to wrap you up in a great big hug my friend.  Thank you for everything.

With love,

J.