Choose Happy...

Did you know…

There is an entire section in the bookstores for motivation.  Yes.  Motivation.

I haven’t been to a library in quite a while so I haven’t checked but I’m sure it’s the same there as well.

We have gone from self-help to motivation. People are making money on us needing a good old kick in the ass to do something.  Anything.  Yyou choose and there is a book for it – money, love, writing, travelling, quitting your job.

We are so far removed from our true goals, our biggest dreams that we need others to share their stories instead.  To live vicariously through them instead of taking the plunge ourselves and diving in head first. 

We are scared. 

And when we do sit down to write our goals – when a course or job requires us to – because lets be honest  - how many people stop long enough in their day to day lives to listen to their hearts and just dream – and if you have, congratulations, you are much farther along than most people ever get.  So when we do sit down our goals often revolve around money, career progressions, success, fame and the biggest of all and hardest to define… HAPPINESS.

  To be happy.

Stop for a second and let that sink in.

We are looking to others to inspire us to be happy. 

Incredible.

Unlike money and career progressions which in many ways rely on the input of others to achieve happiness is at our fingertips.  In our hearts.  We can CHOOSE to be HAPPY right now by reframing our perspective, changing our stories.

Yet happiness eludes us more than the others.

Why is that?

I’ve had success, career progressions and have been paid more than most people can ever actually dream of and yet my happiness came from none of that.  In fact my unhappiness in many ways was a result of living the 9-5, struggling to find my place that was dictated solely by the market conditions, my bosses perspective, my age.

It was when I stopped using the outward signs of success to define who I was that I found happiness.  When I was silent and still and looked within myself that the joy came forth. 

Every day for a year I wrote down all that I was grateful for before I went to sleep each night. Some days when very little happened there were still small things that upon reflection once again brought a smile to my face – the warm sun shining, the scent of a flower on the breeze, having a nap or simply a text from a dear friend.  It became easy to see the love all around me and that was happiness.

It radiated fro within me, a choice I made to be happy and so it was, there was no outward source filling me with joy, my gratefulness was keeping my happiness fires burning, grateful for the air we breathe and the world around us on any given day.

Happiness is a choice.  Choose happy and the world will open up in wonder.

What do you choose?

Truly Ourselves...

Timing is a funny thing.

Was reminded again today of my exes (can I even call him that) engagement on facebook.  It doesn’t bring forth any emotions in me other than to find the humour in the timing of it all.

While his news is spread across the web, my engagement to Shaun is not.  Though we were engaged one month to the day before the ex most people wouldn’t know it.

We told family and close friends immediately and the let the news spread through our community of friends and acquaintances, still almost 5 months later people are still finding out for the first time and that’s ok.

This news is ours, a decision between the two of us to embark on our future together.

It’s fun to celebrate and the wedding will be a party.  It will be our party. 

A celebration for us, surrounded only by those closest to us, choices we are making in terms of what we want and don’t – tradition be damned. 

One of many things that makes us perfect for each other is our ability to be true to ourselves, to each other.  We are not a couple that is into pleasing others before ourselves, selfish as some might see it.  We are living our truth and we are comfortable with that.

We can say yes.  We can say no.  He can say yes, I can so no and vice versa but we are honest in it all. 

I can’t comprehend a life of following the path of what others lay out for us, of them having a say in our biggest moments.  Shaun and I are happy because we are in a relationship where we can just be ourselves.  We are ourselves.  We just are.

And there is beauty in that.  It is freeing and honest and I would have it no other way.

Perhaps then that is why I now question, in hindsight the ‘relationship’ with my ex.  I wasn’t authentic self and the version of him that I’ve ever known only knows how to conform to what others want him to be but that seems to work for him.

We weren’t a match.  We weren’t honest.  I don’t regret the past – there were lessons there I needed to learn and I’m much better off now for having experienced him.  But that is just the past.

I have rediscovered me, honest and real.  And I love her.  Just as I know Shaun loves me exactly as I am.  As I him.  As we are.  Just being ourselves.

Recovering lost dreams... (part 1)

Growing up we are always asked what we want to be when we grow up and we are full of ideas.  Our imaginations our only limitation; a princess astronaut, an underwater doctor, whatever you can dream as a child you truly believe you can be.

I recently read that adults are constantly asking children this question to get ideas for themselves.  That as we grow up our ideas are diminished by the practicalities of life, the things we need to do, are expected to do.  Things that fit into what society has taught us to be right. 

We become stifled.

For most of my working life I have been in the corporate world sitting behind a desk, each day mirroring the last, the next.  My abilities and output at the highest level but my creativity and dreams diminishing.  Hiding.  Lost in the monotony of the everyday shuffle.

I was in my early twenties when I quit my first corporate job, unsure of what I wanted to be or do or where I wanted to live. I just felt stuck.  After days of commuting home in tears unable to voice the reasoning behind my unhappiness I knew it was time.

I remember clearly sitting in my bosses office that afternoon as I gave him the news – how he looked at me, through me and knew that money wasn’t going to be a solution – it wasn’t about that.  He knew his only response was to offer me more or let me go and we both knew I had to go.

I jokingly referred to this as my quarter-life crisis but I think it was the first time among many that the universe was guiding me to a higher purpose, I just wasn’t ready to listen yet.

For a few months I travelled back to Spain walking the first 200 or so kilometers of the Camino de Santiago though the weather and homesickness eventually wore me down.  I spent the rest of that year working at a coffee shop.

Endless days of just walking across the land, a single minded focus of getting up and covering distance by foot nor cup after cup of lattes, custom drinks per person however helped me discover what it was I was destined for.   I still did not know.

At the end of that year I traversed the country to take on a new job, similar to the one I’d left.  The city being the only difference though it was a city I held huge love for in my heart.  That helped.
It seems that not a lot had changed within that year except the passing of time but it felt that this time it was my decision to go back to the life that had somehow found me in the past.

When I finished highschool – before then even – I knew university was in my future, and so I applied.  I was accepted and the 5 years flew by in a blur.  Before I had time to stop and think I was part of the working world, steady pay and corporate job – I was on my way.  But I never knew how I got there, it happened in a blur, going through the motions but not my emotions.  That year away allowed me to realize I did actually love it.  For a time…

What part of your life are you living without experiencing? What are you going through the motions of rather than savoring every breath of?

Thought for Today... Strong or Soft?

Not long after I started positing again I received a sweet message from a long time friend - probably in the top three longest friendships I have had.  

I've know D since I started high school, those years that formed the basis for who I am today in many ways.  It's been 25 years and still her voice rings out through the distance in memories and reminders, in reminiscing and keeping in touch - all wrapped in love.  

Her message resonated and also caused me to question - she told me I sound strong and how she feels much the same.  She commented...

"It is amazing how unconditional love makes us stronger and bolder."

I can't deny the beauty of unconditional love but I question whether it makes us stronger or bolder - or whether it softens us, gives us the space and support - unconditionally - to dance into who we are deep inside?

I've always been strong - independent.  Being on my own, navigating the world and trying to succeed bred a certain toughness within me, the strength to withstand the forces that otherwise would try and bring me down.  I was hardened and surrounded by a wall that only a select worthy few were ever allowed to breach.  It kept me safe but it was also lonely.

Now that I have found my forever partner, the man who allows me to shine into myself I feel softer - that not only has he been able to penetrate the fortress that I had constructed around myself but he has also smashed it to pieces and in doing so has revealed me in all my perfectly unperfectness to the world.  

It doesn't feel scary though as it once did when I was on my own.  There is a safety to it in that I know that he will be there to catch me - no matter what.  Unconditionally.   

In showing me his love - and that he loves me for all that I am, I have found safety, a space to sink into my softness and be who I am, who I always have been - hidden as I was behind that wall.  

D also wrote that in being loved we are now...

"Free of the worry of what others think and self aware and positive."

These things live within us, are always there.  Standing on our own it is sometimes hard to find love for ourselves, we use the light of others to see this beauty, fleeting as it often is.   But if we can find a way to soften our hearts with or without another we are powerful and strong beyond measure.  

It is in finding softness that we become strongest.   

Your choice today - strength or softness?   

Lessons... A new mantra...

A new mantra, it came to me the other day, has evolved a little but the meaning still the same.

Pefectly Unperfect

It came about in my previous blog as perfectly imperfect but to me unperfect resonated more closely with my intention - while I thought that unperfect wasn't actually a word which in itself made my mantra more spot on there seems to be some confusion.

A quick Google search of unperfect results in a Mirriam Webster dictionary result of:

unperfect

adjective un·per·fect \-ˈpər-fikt\

Definition of UNPERFECT

:  imperfect

Interesting.

And while it may be a word it still doesn't sound quite right but therein lies the beauty.  It in itself is not perfect, imperfect.  Unperfect.

I love this mantra, it relates to so many things, in so many ways.  We are not perfect beings and nothing we do with ever be perfect but it can be perfectly acceptable, perfectly right, perfect for us.  Timing and editing, results and resolutions - never perfect and if we try and wait til it is then as we all know - it will never happen.  

So I aim to be perfectly unperfect. 

To follow my heart, to jump even through the overwhelming fear of it all, to put myself into this world when and where it feels right, timing and spelling errors be damned.  I am here.

Perfectly Unperfect.

Real Life... July 31, 2015

My computer is alive.

I have a strong internet connection.

It seems, for the moment that my technological speed bump has been overcome.

With a week of time, multiple calls and long hours spent talking to technical support, two technician visits, an operating system downloaded twice, installed once and recovery of all my precious files I am back.

But it's new.

Although I have every document and movie, song and even playlist it feels like starting all over again.

Shiny.

Reorgainized.

Reenergized.

I didn't realize I needed a revamp, a removal of clutter and files in all the wrong places but the Universe had other plans and as inconvenient as it was through the week, there was a quietness about it and the refreshed feel of my computer is electric.

Tonight is the Full Moon, a Blue Moon.  A time to as the Universe for all that we want, profess our deepest desires, dreaming as big as our childhood selves could have imagined, asking for it all.  Believing it is coming, knowing it is.

So tonight as the darkness descends and the fair moon rises upon us all, ask yourself, what is it that you want to start, that could use a refresh in your life.  What do you want.  Dream Big.

Lessons... Perfectly Imperfect...

I have always wanted to sew a quilt, the kind you see in old country houses that have worn through the years, aged in such tender ways from the carefulness of their crafting.

Delicate hands, patches of thread worn fabrics, contrasting and complimenting.  Stories woven together.  Simple and special.

Yards and meters of fabrics collected - similar and different all at once.  Hundreds of small squares cut to the perfect dimensions, exacting.

Pieces sewn into larger squares, straight lines, constant sizes. 

Larger squares become rows and rows become the front half.  Perfectly formed perfection.

In theory.

As I sat at my machine turning first those pieces into squares and the squares into rows I realized that there is no perfection.  I can see the flaws in every line I sew, slight slips of the cutter making slightly imperfect pieces, the pieces adding imperfections into the squares which continues into the rows and quilt itself. 

You can teach me how to make the perfect of squares but then I'd still have to sew the straightest of lines - a task that even through years of practice I still at times struggle with - attention distracted for the slightest of seconds and oops.

But put all together the flaws flow together, vanish to the naked eye.  The bigger picture overwhelming the details.

It was through the construction of these quilt pieces that I saw a reflection of me.  Perfectly imperfect.  Filled with flaws but still something tender and made with love.

I am not perfect, years of life have shaped and formed me.  I am a result as much of as my successes as I am of my mistakes.  I am worn and in some places a little thread bare but I am beautiful too. 

Imperfect pieces have formed me into a being that belongs in this world exactly how I am.

Perfectly imperfect.

Real Life... July 29, 2015

It's been a while and this is the story of why.

Technology fails.  Yes fails.  Plural. 

As they say, when you shout out your truest desires to the Universe and proclaim them to be true the Universe hears this as a sign to test you, to see if what you say is true, deeply rooted or just a passing fancy. 

I proclaimed to write consistently again, started finding my voice in the wee hours before sleep, ideas crashing forth and as I put them onto paper my computer decided it had had enough.  Crash.

Those dreaded words - unrecoverable.  Reinstall hard drive.  Um.  Ouch.

I'm far from a technology expert but those two hours I spent talking to the charming man on the Apple care line I knew that after failed startup after failed start up the only thing I could hope for was to recover my files. 

And how did that story turn out... you'll have to read past part two to find out.

Technology fail two that is... yup, there is more. At the same time that I am watching the death of my computer our home internet is dropping to below dial up standards.  It's painful. 

I spent another hour on the phone to our internet provider next trying to figure out what was up.  You see we live in the tiny part of our suburb that has yet to have NBN installed (national broadcasting network and the saviour to the poor infrastructure that Australia currently operates on) and while our speeds have never been fantastic they have at least been acceptable - no more.

As our modem is almost 4 years old the techs first response was to blame it for our troubles and immediately dispatches another - no luck.  The modem was just fine.  The tech finally came to our house yesterday and in a matter of 5 minutes clearly knew that our line was fucked (technical term).

Another day to wait for Telstra to resolve the problem as they hold the power of the infrastructure. 

So here I sit in the coffee shop down the road poaching wifi and drinking a latte while the rain pours down outside.

The ideas are still bubbling and refining. I am resolved.  This is just a bump along the way.  A test.  A test that Universe, I will pass.

Until next time...

Lessons... It is easy...

I was catching up with a dear friend today on messenger, the basis of communication for most of our relationship.  We have never lived closely - never even in the same city it seems.  We have for a while at least lived in the same timezone and in was those random hours where our secrets and stories were shared.  A true and honest friendship.

I always joke that there is no way he can speak at my wedding - he just knows too much.

But that's it really - he knows.  He has heard of all my ups and downs in the world of boys, the good and the bad, the fun, adventurous and scandalous too.  No holds barred.

He's commented in those times where someone with significance got a real name rather than an initial or some resounding quality that defined who they were.  He's shared my tears and laughter, audacity and outrage.  And he's shared too, his ups and downs and heart break.

And so we caught up again today from a place of complete contrast, both of us in such different places that we have been in so very long.  Stable and solid relationships, real relationships.  The ones that are steady and committed and going someplace better even as they remain great in these moments.

I am as happy for him as he is for me. 

And I sit here and smile now as after all these years, the endless words of encouragement and faith for the future as we both agree on one thing that is different now in this place we now exist.  One simple thing that has eluded us both for so long.  So basic and true.

It is easy.

A true and loving, honest and authentic relationship has no games, no longing or questioning, no uncertainty or space.  It's not being who we think they will like or a polished version of ourselves.  It is simple and real.

I have never been more true to who I am deep inside that I am now. I feel safe and loved and can let go and be the utterly not so charming girl that I am at times and the love that S has for me never wanes or wavers.  He laughs not at me but rather with me.  He has my back and rolls his eyes when I'm over the top ridiculous.  He is never far away.  He sees exactly who I am, how I see myself - sometimes even better than I.  As I do with him.  Effortlessly.

Uncomplicated.

True love isn't that of yearning and burning and endless desire.  There is a flame that feels safe.  A place to expose your wildest dreams, your deepest of fears and to just be you.

It's true what they say - when you love yourself exactly for who you are then true love finds it's way to you - and it does.  Be yourself and feel love.

It is easy.

Lessons.... I am (you are) enough...

I stopped writing for a very long time, well over a year and yet I felt the words bubbling inside me day in and day out.  I yearned to write but there was something holding me back, a fear of putting pen to paper.

In many ways the trepidation still exists but finally the urge within me has burst forth, bubbled over.

I still feel the fear every time I open my book, stare at the screen.  The vulnerability of putting me, in all my authenticity out there for the world to see.

The real me.

It becomes so easy to live our lives behind the scenes, in the quiet of our own space, within the boundaries of our own choosing.  Staying within the norms, the expected.

It’s much harder to live out loud, the sky the limit, pushing past the barriers inflicted upon ourselves.

It takes a lot of self confidence and more importantly self love to expose our truest forms, our daring dreams, terrifying truths and daunting demons.

When we truly are ourselves it leaves us exposed, vulnerable to others judgments and criticisms, standing on the front line of exposure and our expectation every time is of worry, of not being good enough but we are. 

I am.

You are.

Good enough.

And that’s the difference between then and now.  Distance and perspective.  Self love.  Time and space.  To a place where I am so in love with myself that I know I am enough.  Exactly as I am in this moment I am and always will be enough and that is why I now write.

Lessons... gratitude

For 365 days of 2014 I was grateful.

Every single day I wrote the things I was thankful for on a tiny little post it note.

People.  Places.  Adventure. Routine.

Often times my thoughts were simple, others they were many.  Sometimes though they were a bit of a stretch.

Yet each day however small or insignificant there was still something.

As the days passed I noticed more, moments of pure joy that I'd previously passed right by, soulful connections with people who would also come and go throughout the year.

I saw many others follow this trend through the year - posting their 5 days of bliss online for the world to see.  I carried out my journey in silence (until now), the only ones knowing my commitment were the ones who came to my house, saw the jar on the table filling over time.  The ones who cared enough to ask about it.

My daily affirmations were not a secret but they were also not something I needed to shout out loud.  My gratefulness resided purely for me.  My perspective.  To expand my view of the world.  Mine.

My intention was to open all those yellow slips at the end of the year, a look back at the joy, a welcoming ritual for 2015.  I even carried the small ziploc that they fill with me across half the world and back again to where they now sit on my bookshelf, still unopened.

I have yet to decide what I'll do with those little bits of paper.  I have yet to feel the urge to look within. For within my journey of those 365 days I learned to be grateful without documentation, still everyday I find the little things to cherish.  The simplicity of the moments that make up my life.

I am grateful everyday.  My eyes more open than they were that first day of 2014.  That was the lesson.  To see the world in a more positive light than I had been.  To savor the simplicities of daily life.

I always stop to smell the roses now.  Every single day.

Real life... June 23, 2015...

It's my first Father's Day without him.

He died 4 months to the day of my 38th birthday.  Three months and 2 days shy of his 72nd.  Too soon.

I remember getting the phone call that morning from my mother, half a world away.  630am.  Wednesday.  430pm.  Tuesday.  Time standing still.  Numb.

It would be a few more hours of back and forth updates, questions.  Longing for answers.  One final call, my last words to my father hoping he could hear me through the phone, through the haze of the coma he had been in since falling asleep the night before.

I love you daddy.

As I hung up the phone I knew he'd be gone before I could get back home.  5 minutes after hearing my words, he was.  Numb.

It's been 3 months and 19 days and I still forget sometimes.  It hits me hard knowing he's never again going to be there on the other end of that phone when I call home.

Not going to ask me how my car is running or what the weather is like as he too quickly passes me back to my mother.  He won't be there in those times I need his advice or expertise or to truly understand how my mother is feeling.

He won't be there to walk me down the aisle 6 months from now or to hold the grandchild that he will someday have.

I am so grateful though for the time we did share this year, much more than many of the past.  An impromptu trip to New Orleans to celebrate the wedding of two great friends - where he got to meet them both and see how I'm surrounded by friends that are my extended family.

My first Christmas home in 4 years.  A winter wonderland where he got to meet my future husband - words whispered that first night of how he could see the great qualities and character that Shaun possessed - and telling me to not screw things up, to keep him around.  He knew I'd found the love of my life.

I miss him dearly every day but know in my heart that he is at peace, tired of the battle that he quietly fought for so long.   But there is a part of me that still feels numb knowing he is gone, still reduces me to tears when I start laughing from pure unfiltered joy but life continues on.  He is with us still. 

He now lives solely in our memories and my dreams.  My dream where he visited me again just the other night.  Hanging out together.  The night of Fathers Day 2015.  My first without him.

Letters to you... July 10, 2016...

I'm resurrecting this blog after a very long time...

I've been compelled to write often these past several months, nearly a year perhaps but I've shied away from it, scared by the words that might flow from my mind but I'm determined.  Ready to be authentic, real.  My space.

I thought about starting over but the words from the past still seem to real, such necessary reminders of where I have come from, of the woman I've grown into.  I reread many of the posts and don't recall writing them, brief moments of time seemingly captured by anotherl

A lot has happened in the past few months with even more on the horizon.

I'm getting married in 6 months and 6 days.  It's been 4 months and 7 days since my father left this earth.  I'm unemployed and struggling to find my true path, the one I want to walk going forward, not the roots of my past defining me.  Changes.  A lot.  Exciting and intimidating all at once and as I struggle to figure out what I truly want, I need an outlet to sort my crazy thoughts down, to remember where I've come from and the lessons I've learned as much as I have to trust in what is still to come.  The best as they say.

So while selfishly this is my space feel free to follow along for the ride, relive my past words below  or ignore altogether.  I promise not to be offended in anyway, I just promise to be as real as I can in my words, me in black and white and definitely shades of grey in between.

A friend so kindly keeps reminding me that I have a way with words so hopefully you find something that resonates...

With love,
J.

Letters to you... thank you for the space...

Thank you for not having time for me.  It has been a blessing in disguise.  Thank you for standing on the periphery of my life, giving me time to realize that I deserve so much more than you could ever be.  For allowing me the perspective – of what was versus what could have been.

What was… was a beautiful week of silliness and flirty fun.  Drinks in an empty bar, sneakily stolen kisses, a rushed respite on a sofa in a random mall.  A week that culminated in a torrent of unleashed emotions, a soulful connection – raw all consuming passion that faded as quickly as it flared.  It took me by surprise but was exactly what I needed at that moment in time.  I can’t regret anything that happened as it opened me up again, reminded me of my beauty and sexiness, of how I can be loved again (in time).  It taught me how to be open to the unexpected and that the perfect man for me is out there, on his way to me.  He’s just not you.

What could have been… is all that that first week entailed, building on that, creating a solid foundation through moments in time, a continuation of that desire to just be in each other’s presence – stolen kisses and silly secrets.  The yearning that faded in that stormy afternoon of sweaty release - in tangled limbs and twisted sheets.   

What started out unexpectedly ended just as quick though there have been fleeting moments since then – brief interludes dotted throughout – it was never more though than those 7 days in early September.  I felt it finish as soon as it began and I fought it – fought you.  I couldn’t understand the sudden change, I still don’t but I’ve grown to accept it for what it was – an instant in time and nothing more.  I have let go even as I still look to you for your resounding faith in me when the darkness flashes over me in moments still.

They say we attract into our lives the things that resonate with our energy, our present state.  That we attract the people who act as our mirrors – reflecting back to us what we ourselves need to learn. 

As much as you were different on the surface – underneath it all you are still a lot like him.  A pattern repeated, mirrored back to me.  I see it now – as I didn’t then -  a habit I’ve held for far too long – running away when someone gets too close – sees the real me.  It’s why it’s easier to fall for the ones you have to chase, the ones that don’t look back – he fell for those girls often, who didn’t see the pain that he hid behind his shiny masks and I see the love you want, the happily ever after even as you create your own ‘promises’ to yourself to keep you safe from the very thing you want the most.  I understand.

He doesn’t know who he is – always morphing into what others expect him to be – I barely recognize him now – the man that I almost loved.  You yourself have admitted to losing yourself in your most intimate relationships, trying to be enough, to hang on.  Were you chasing after girls who wouldn’t turn around and see you too?

I fell into your pattern too – losing myself with him, trying to be what he wanted, to hang on, to make the pieces fit – they never do though do they?  Over time, reverting back into what – who – we truly are at our core.  Our true colours coming back to the surface, revealing the beauty and scars that we all possess – we can never outrun who we are underneath, it comes to light – the trick and the triumph is to just accept it.  To love it – bratty and broken, witty and wonderful. 

I have found this love for myself.  It has been hard earned.  Aching and awesome, breathtaking and breaking but through it all I have realized that I am enough – exactly who I am – for better and worse.  I am me.  I am beautiful.  Emotional and intuitive and strong and pushy.  I am a woman who lashes out when I’m scared when what I really want is to just be held.  Protected.  I want to retreat when life gets hard, stand strong on my own but I’m learning that opening up, being vulnerable and scared is safer that standing alone.  I am a woman without regrets because it’s the chances we take that give us our greatest rewards – and those that falter allow us to grow and learn, continuing to carve out our journey in this life. 

I have learned that I am no longer the girl who needs to chase people – I don’t need to look outward for love because it flows freely within me, from me, around me and when I stop looking for it it comes right back to me too.  A beautiful surprise.  I no longer need to look to people who don’t look back at me to try and prove myself because I am no longer afraid and I no longer need outward validation – I know that who I am in this life is good enough. 

I am enough on my own.  I am happy and loved and in time I will find the perfect man for me – who will stand by my side and we will look to each other, seeing a beautiful reflection of ourselves.  It won’t be safe but it will be worth it – the passion and excitement, the strength and solidarity through the struggles.  Love for one another – giving and receiving (the hardest part of all), sharing in each other’s happiness and strong in who we are as two independent beings.  An easy blend.

I got lost for a week in time with you –you gave me a glimpse – you let me peak behind your curtain and what I saw was beautiful exactly as it was – I saw what could be and I let that distract me from what was.  What was… you running when I looked back at you – when I wanted to delve deeper into your stories, know more.

So thank you – thank you for the space you couldn’t make for me because it allowed me to realize all this – that I am okay here on my own, and that I am surrounded already by love.  For giving me the distance to realize that I don’t want to chase anymore, that I am ready for someone to stand solid by my side – secure in who he is, who embraces his flaws as much as his charm.  Who’s piece fits mine perfectly, exactly as we are and will be.  As it is meant to be.  Thank you for the space you have given me to wait for him, the perfect man for me.

With love,

J.

Real life... december 3, 2013...

I realized how far I have come on my journey earlier this year in the midst of everything about to come crashing down.

I’ve lived in this country now for just over two years but was allowed to stay solely because of a work sponsored visa. 

It was the end of September and with the market looking dim and coworkers being let go all around me I could sense that I was in imminent danger – there were just so few of us left. 

A week earlier I had a strong gut feeling to just apply for permanent residency, get my application in now rather than waiting for my company’s nomination to be approved first – it had been submitted months prior.  It was a bit of a risk in that if the nomination was not approved then my application would be cancelled and with it the non-refundable fee  of almost $5000 but I took the chance.  I listened and jumped.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

With such a huge financial undertaking on my part – my company sought out alternative options to keep me employed, guaranteeing me only the month ahead.  End of October was all they could promise. 

The universe spoke to me in perfect timing.

I remember the warnings, the talks, the uncertainty and though the thought of losing my job wasn’t an issue – the idea of having to leave the country that I now called home was. 

Still I trusted.  I had ultimate trust in everything working out – somehow.  I couldn’t envision the how but I just believed even as I crossed my fingers and toes wishing my permanent residency would get approved sooner rather than later.

I was of two minds – that it’d get approved within the month of October – my last promised month of certainty at work or if necessary that I would find a new job that would sponsor me within the 4 month grace period I’d have.  There was even the third option which I joked about – finding an Australian man to marry me.

At the same time, there was the potential of a new man in my life who was being difficult and pulling back even after a glorious start of ‘something’.  He was sudden and unexpected which threw me for a loop.  My shoulder was also acting up – a long standing minor injury that I’d ignored finally putting me on the sidelines of the sport that I loved most.

A lot of challenges were piling up.  Challenges.  Not issues or complications.

It was standing in the middle of all this that I felt the shift in who I am – instead of seeing how everything could easily fall apart, instead of curling up into a ball of inconsolable tears – I felt gratitude. 

I was surrounded by love and amazing people that had complete and utter faith in me.  Four of them to be exact – one of which was him – the potential new man.  Him and three of my best girl friends.  The only ones I told.

I remember him calling me soon after receiving my ‘uh-oh’ text – reinforcing all the positives that I rationally knew already – I still had a job, I had options, nothing had actually happened yet.  He told me to have faith and he believed in me.  I saw him that night and got a solid, satisfying hug – the safety of his arms and the release of all that I was holding tight to.  The unfiltered and genuine love I felt within me, that I was surrounded by.  Peace.

It was then that I realized that I was a new woman – a woman stronger than I’d ever been before.  I was able to relax into the unknown and stay open and positive.  I only told those four people in my life because I didn’t want to dwell on worst case scenarios – the place that most people tend to jump into.  I had belief and didn’t want to worry unnecessary.

It worked too.  Two weeks later my residency came through.  Two months on and I still have my job.  The potential of that man has long since passed but that’s also okay because instead of dwelling on the ending I am grateful for what was – briefly – his soothing voice and strong arms.  A rock when I needed one beside me for those moments.  Mostly I am grateful his faith in the face of it all – the mirroring of the belief that I hold within myself, that showed me also what I will have, in time, with the right man for me. 

And as I sit here and reflect I still feel the love.  Still see the positives and believe in what is to come.  Amazing things, an amazing man.  I can only sit here and trust in the unknown, smile openly at the possibilities that are about to emerge.

Letters to you... a long time coming...

I wish you could see the woman I am now.  I think lately that is what keeps brining you back into my thoughts – that and it is that time of year once again – November, February – where I always seek to reconnect only you’re not at the other end anymore.  Haven’t been for a very long time and yet I keep finding myself drawn back to you.

For many years now I always trusted that you were the person that knew me best and that you always would be.  Perhaps even a part of me believed that you were the only person who could know me that well – especially as it was (at the time) better than I knew myself.  That though has since changed.  I no longer need to hold true to this belief as I now know myself and I am awesome.  I can now let go of the need I held for you for so long – the need for validation from you and the knowing that there was someone out there that could see the real me.  Many people can see me now and that perfect man for me – he’ll see me here, now.  In the present not the past that you keep bringing me back to.

It’s been far too many years since you and I – you might not even know me at all now and even if you did – that girl that I was back then, that you would remember – she is no longer.  I have grown, I have changed.  I am different.  I know myself now as I never did back then.  I have found myself in so many ways and no longer need you to mirror my beauty back to me the way I once did – the way I did for so very long when I was scared and hiding and unable to grasp on to the things that I wanted the most.  The things I ran from.  You.

Thank you for being such a huge part of my history both in presence and perspective for you have stuck with me for all this time.  I understand what you saw in me back then, the amazing woman that I am, that I finally grew into.  So now, when I feel the need to reach out to you it isn’t about needing anything from you anymore but rather just because a part of me wishes you would see who I have become.  To show you that though we have long since fallen apart you helped me learn, to be open in the face of love and mostly to find love in myself.  To believe in me.  To believe in that girl you saw potential in from day one, when I was too scared to acknowledge or believe in back then. 

Thank you for truly seeing me when I couldn’t but I can take it from here now.  I have a firm grasp on the love that fills me, radiates from me, sustains me and flows back to me.  I now love myself, have found my happiness a million miles away from the story of us.

The universe brings people into our lives at the time and place when we need them the most and I really did need you back then but now I can stand on my own.  I only wish you could see me now, you’d truly love the woman I’ve become but maybe you already know.  Knew even then. 

I’d really like to wrap you up in a great big hug my friend.  Thank you for everything.

With love,

J.