Lessons... A new mantra...

A new mantra, it came to me the other day, has evolved a little but the meaning still the same.

Pefectly Unperfect

It came about in my previous blog as perfectly imperfect but to me unperfect resonated more closely with my intention - while I thought that unperfect wasn't actually a word which in itself made my mantra more spot on there seems to be some confusion.

A quick Google search of unperfect results in a Mirriam Webster dictionary result of:

unperfect

adjective un·per·fect \-ˈpər-fikt\

Definition of UNPERFECT

:  imperfect

Interesting.

And while it may be a word it still doesn't sound quite right but therein lies the beauty.  It in itself is not perfect, imperfect.  Unperfect.

I love this mantra, it relates to so many things, in so many ways.  We are not perfect beings and nothing we do with ever be perfect but it can be perfectly acceptable, perfectly right, perfect for us.  Timing and editing, results and resolutions - never perfect and if we try and wait til it is then as we all know - it will never happen.  

So I aim to be perfectly unperfect. 

To follow my heart, to jump even through the overwhelming fear of it all, to put myself into this world when and where it feels right, timing and spelling errors be damned.  I am here.

Perfectly Unperfect.

Lessons... Perfectly Imperfect...

I have always wanted to sew a quilt, the kind you see in old country houses that have worn through the years, aged in such tender ways from the carefulness of their crafting.

Delicate hands, patches of thread worn fabrics, contrasting and complimenting.  Stories woven together.  Simple and special.

Yards and meters of fabrics collected - similar and different all at once.  Hundreds of small squares cut to the perfect dimensions, exacting.

Pieces sewn into larger squares, straight lines, constant sizes. 

Larger squares become rows and rows become the front half.  Perfectly formed perfection.

In theory.

As I sat at my machine turning first those pieces into squares and the squares into rows I realized that there is no perfection.  I can see the flaws in every line I sew, slight slips of the cutter making slightly imperfect pieces, the pieces adding imperfections into the squares which continues into the rows and quilt itself. 

You can teach me how to make the perfect of squares but then I'd still have to sew the straightest of lines - a task that even through years of practice I still at times struggle with - attention distracted for the slightest of seconds and oops.

But put all together the flaws flow together, vanish to the naked eye.  The bigger picture overwhelming the details.

It was through the construction of these quilt pieces that I saw a reflection of me.  Perfectly imperfect.  Filled with flaws but still something tender and made with love.

I am not perfect, years of life have shaped and formed me.  I am a result as much of as my successes as I am of my mistakes.  I am worn and in some places a little thread bare but I am beautiful too. 

Imperfect pieces have formed me into a being that belongs in this world exactly how I am.

Perfectly imperfect.

Lessons... It is easy...

I was catching up with a dear friend today on messenger, the basis of communication for most of our relationship.  We have never lived closely - never even in the same city it seems.  We have for a while at least lived in the same timezone and in was those random hours where our secrets and stories were shared.  A true and honest friendship.

I always joke that there is no way he can speak at my wedding - he just knows too much.

But that's it really - he knows.  He has heard of all my ups and downs in the world of boys, the good and the bad, the fun, adventurous and scandalous too.  No holds barred.

He's commented in those times where someone with significance got a real name rather than an initial or some resounding quality that defined who they were.  He's shared my tears and laughter, audacity and outrage.  And he's shared too, his ups and downs and heart break.

And so we caught up again today from a place of complete contrast, both of us in such different places that we have been in so very long.  Stable and solid relationships, real relationships.  The ones that are steady and committed and going someplace better even as they remain great in these moments.

I am as happy for him as he is for me. 

And I sit here and smile now as after all these years, the endless words of encouragement and faith for the future as we both agree on one thing that is different now in this place we now exist.  One simple thing that has eluded us both for so long.  So basic and true.

It is easy.

A true and loving, honest and authentic relationship has no games, no longing or questioning, no uncertainty or space.  It's not being who we think they will like or a polished version of ourselves.  It is simple and real.

I have never been more true to who I am deep inside that I am now. I feel safe and loved and can let go and be the utterly not so charming girl that I am at times and the love that S has for me never wanes or wavers.  He laughs not at me but rather with me.  He has my back and rolls his eyes when I'm over the top ridiculous.  He is never far away.  He sees exactly who I am, how I see myself - sometimes even better than I.  As I do with him.  Effortlessly.

Uncomplicated.

True love isn't that of yearning and burning and endless desire.  There is a flame that feels safe.  A place to expose your wildest dreams, your deepest of fears and to just be you.

It's true what they say - when you love yourself exactly for who you are then true love finds it's way to you - and it does.  Be yourself and feel love.

It is easy.

Lessons.... I am (you are) enough...

I stopped writing for a very long time, well over a year and yet I felt the words bubbling inside me day in and day out.  I yearned to write but there was something holding me back, a fear of putting pen to paper.

In many ways the trepidation still exists but finally the urge within me has burst forth, bubbled over.

I still feel the fear every time I open my book, stare at the screen.  The vulnerability of putting me, in all my authenticity out there for the world to see.

The real me.

It becomes so easy to live our lives behind the scenes, in the quiet of our own space, within the boundaries of our own choosing.  Staying within the norms, the expected.

It’s much harder to live out loud, the sky the limit, pushing past the barriers inflicted upon ourselves.

It takes a lot of self confidence and more importantly self love to expose our truest forms, our daring dreams, terrifying truths and daunting demons.

When we truly are ourselves it leaves us exposed, vulnerable to others judgments and criticisms, standing on the front line of exposure and our expectation every time is of worry, of not being good enough but we are. 

I am.

You are.

Good enough.

And that’s the difference between then and now.  Distance and perspective.  Self love.  Time and space.  To a place where I am so in love with myself that I know I am enough.  Exactly as I am in this moment I am and always will be enough and that is why I now write.

Lessons... gratitude

For 365 days of 2014 I was grateful.

Every single day I wrote the things I was thankful for on a tiny little post it note.

People.  Places.  Adventure. Routine.

Often times my thoughts were simple, others they were many.  Sometimes though they were a bit of a stretch.

Yet each day however small or insignificant there was still something.

As the days passed I noticed more, moments of pure joy that I'd previously passed right by, soulful connections with people who would also come and go throughout the year.

I saw many others follow this trend through the year - posting their 5 days of bliss online for the world to see.  I carried out my journey in silence (until now), the only ones knowing my commitment were the ones who came to my house, saw the jar on the table filling over time.  The ones who cared enough to ask about it.

My daily affirmations were not a secret but they were also not something I needed to shout out loud.  My gratefulness resided purely for me.  My perspective.  To expand my view of the world.  Mine.

My intention was to open all those yellow slips at the end of the year, a look back at the joy, a welcoming ritual for 2015.  I even carried the small ziploc that they fill with me across half the world and back again to where they now sit on my bookshelf, still unopened.

I have yet to decide what I'll do with those little bits of paper.  I have yet to feel the urge to look within. For within my journey of those 365 days I learned to be grateful without documentation, still everyday I find the little things to cherish.  The simplicity of the moments that make up my life.

I am grateful everyday.  My eyes more open than they were that first day of 2014.  That was the lesson.  To see the world in a more positive light than I had been.  To savor the simplicities of daily life.

I always stop to smell the roses now.  Every single day.

Lessons... patience

I’m learning the lesson of patience.  It’s a slow process too – oddly ironic, I get it.  Understand – have yet to feel it emotionally but my logical mind is taking it all in.  The universe has a silly sense of humor of that I am continually reminded.

I’ve been seeing this lesson before me for the past few months.  I met a beautiful man with things starting out easily, simply and then he pulled back.  This caused me to push, bringing my past hurts into this new beginning.  I pushed too much, more pull and an endless cycle.  My patience evading me completely.  I realized though – a little too late - that pushing never gets me anywhere, my past also taught me this  – I caught myself and have pulled back myself now too.  A stalemate.  Stubbornness doubled.

I sit on this side now going about my life – happy as ever – and yet I still find my thoughts drifting back to him.  Wavering between waiting on this amazing man to see how things unfold – in the time and place that feels right for him and back to just giving up, not wanting to go down this road again, feeding him the attention he craves solely when his ego needs it -  to be hopeful only to have it all blow up anyway, patterns repeated.  A constant battle in my rational mind, my ego jumping front and center.  What I know though when I listen to my gut, my intuition, is that he is worth it, whatever it turns out to be and that I need to just have patience.  Be open to him, show him my heart and then let go.  Let go.  Patience personified.

It was only this morning though that I saw the humor of it all, the parallel paths towards this lesson in my life.  

I am a hardcore crossfitter, training 5 days a week and for the past two months have been limited by my dodgy right shoulder.  Bursitis holding me back.  No barbells, no overhead, no feeling strong and badass with heavy weights.  Stopped in my tracks.  The path to getting better is rest - slow and steady.  A full dose of patience required.  I have found other ways to maintain my training through this time, my legs getting stronger– full on punishment as I still train daily, a shifted focus.  And last night, a glimmer on the horizon – an empty barbell but still a barbell – using my right arm however lightly.  Slowly.  Unable to jump back into the full swing of things but a little step in the right direction.  It’s going to take time for me to get back to where I once was but I can see the good that will come from it – from this time in between - I’m willing to not push, to come back fully and stronger than ever when the time (and my shoulder) is right.  Patient persistence.

So you can understand my smile – even now, still, as I write this – on how the two are so inexplicably linked and yet the paths I’ve taken so different.  I can only wonder now if I’d taken the same approach to him as I had my shoulder if we’d be in a different place now – on the same side perhaps rather than in our separate corners, further apart than when we first connected.  Hard to say.  But as with my shoulder -  it took  me forever to just stop, step back and get things sorted out.  To let time and patience show the way to making it better.  So it is now with him.  I struggled to stop the pushing but have now seen the light, have opened up and stepped back and just have to trust that time and patience is the best course of action now.  The path to follow and time will tell.  The lesson coming twice this time, truly starting to sink in.  Two different puzzles, patience the answer for both.

I know my shoulder will heal in time and I trust my journey with him will be a long one.  Both will take the shape of whatever is meant to be.  Time and place.  A reason for everything.  I trust in the universe completely – always have - and it’s great to know it has such a solid sense of humor.