Truly Ourselves...

Timing is a funny thing.

Was reminded again today of my exes (can I even call him that) engagement on facebook.  It doesn’t bring forth any emotions in me other than to find the humour in the timing of it all.

While his news is spread across the web, my engagement to Shaun is not.  Though we were engaged one month to the day before the ex most people wouldn’t know it.

We told family and close friends immediately and the let the news spread through our community of friends and acquaintances, still almost 5 months later people are still finding out for the first time and that’s ok.

This news is ours, a decision between the two of us to embark on our future together.

It’s fun to celebrate and the wedding will be a party.  It will be our party. 

A celebration for us, surrounded only by those closest to us, choices we are making in terms of what we want and don’t – tradition be damned. 

One of many things that makes us perfect for each other is our ability to be true to ourselves, to each other.  We are not a couple that is into pleasing others before ourselves, selfish as some might see it.  We are living our truth and we are comfortable with that.

We can say yes.  We can say no.  He can say yes, I can so no and vice versa but we are honest in it all. 

I can’t comprehend a life of following the path of what others lay out for us, of them having a say in our biggest moments.  Shaun and I are happy because we are in a relationship where we can just be ourselves.  We are ourselves.  We just are.

And there is beauty in that.  It is freeing and honest and I would have it no other way.

Perhaps then that is why I now question, in hindsight the ‘relationship’ with my ex.  I wasn’t authentic self and the version of him that I’ve ever known only knows how to conform to what others want him to be but that seems to work for him.

We weren’t a match.  We weren’t honest.  I don’t regret the past – there were lessons there I needed to learn and I’m much better off now for having experienced him.  But that is just the past.

I have rediscovered me, honest and real.  And I love her.  Just as I know Shaun loves me exactly as I am.  As I him.  As we are.  Just being ourselves.

Recovering lost dreams... (part 1)

Growing up we are always asked what we want to be when we grow up and we are full of ideas.  Our imaginations our only limitation; a princess astronaut, an underwater doctor, whatever you can dream as a child you truly believe you can be.

I recently read that adults are constantly asking children this question to get ideas for themselves.  That as we grow up our ideas are diminished by the practicalities of life, the things we need to do, are expected to do.  Things that fit into what society has taught us to be right. 

We become stifled.

For most of my working life I have been in the corporate world sitting behind a desk, each day mirroring the last, the next.  My abilities and output at the highest level but my creativity and dreams diminishing.  Hiding.  Lost in the monotony of the everyday shuffle.

I was in my early twenties when I quit my first corporate job, unsure of what I wanted to be or do or where I wanted to live. I just felt stuck.  After days of commuting home in tears unable to voice the reasoning behind my unhappiness I knew it was time.

I remember clearly sitting in my bosses office that afternoon as I gave him the news – how he looked at me, through me and knew that money wasn’t going to be a solution – it wasn’t about that.  He knew his only response was to offer me more or let me go and we both knew I had to go.

I jokingly referred to this as my quarter-life crisis but I think it was the first time among many that the universe was guiding me to a higher purpose, I just wasn’t ready to listen yet.

For a few months I travelled back to Spain walking the first 200 or so kilometers of the Camino de Santiago though the weather and homesickness eventually wore me down.  I spent the rest of that year working at a coffee shop.

Endless days of just walking across the land, a single minded focus of getting up and covering distance by foot nor cup after cup of lattes, custom drinks per person however helped me discover what it was I was destined for.   I still did not know.

At the end of that year I traversed the country to take on a new job, similar to the one I’d left.  The city being the only difference though it was a city I held huge love for in my heart.  That helped.
It seems that not a lot had changed within that year except the passing of time but it felt that this time it was my decision to go back to the life that had somehow found me in the past.

When I finished highschool – before then even – I knew university was in my future, and so I applied.  I was accepted and the 5 years flew by in a blur.  Before I had time to stop and think I was part of the working world, steady pay and corporate job – I was on my way.  But I never knew how I got there, it happened in a blur, going through the motions but not my emotions.  That year away allowed me to realize I did actually love it.  For a time…

What part of your life are you living without experiencing? What are you going through the motions of rather than savoring every breath of?

Thought for Today... Strong or Soft?

Not long after I started positing again I received a sweet message from a long time friend - probably in the top three longest friendships I have had.  

I've know D since I started high school, those years that formed the basis for who I am today in many ways.  It's been 25 years and still her voice rings out through the distance in memories and reminders, in reminiscing and keeping in touch - all wrapped in love.  

Her message resonated and also caused me to question - she told me I sound strong and how she feels much the same.  She commented...

"It is amazing how unconditional love makes us stronger and bolder."

I can't deny the beauty of unconditional love but I question whether it makes us stronger or bolder - or whether it softens us, gives us the space and support - unconditionally - to dance into who we are deep inside?

I've always been strong - independent.  Being on my own, navigating the world and trying to succeed bred a certain toughness within me, the strength to withstand the forces that otherwise would try and bring me down.  I was hardened and surrounded by a wall that only a select worthy few were ever allowed to breach.  It kept me safe but it was also lonely.

Now that I have found my forever partner, the man who allows me to shine into myself I feel softer - that not only has he been able to penetrate the fortress that I had constructed around myself but he has also smashed it to pieces and in doing so has revealed me in all my perfectly unperfectness to the world.  

It doesn't feel scary though as it once did when I was on my own.  There is a safety to it in that I know that he will be there to catch me - no matter what.  Unconditionally.   

In showing me his love - and that he loves me for all that I am, I have found safety, a space to sink into my softness and be who I am, who I always have been - hidden as I was behind that wall.  

D also wrote that in being loved we are now...

"Free of the worry of what others think and self aware and positive."

These things live within us, are always there.  Standing on our own it is sometimes hard to find love for ourselves, we use the light of others to see this beauty, fleeting as it often is.   But if we can find a way to soften our hearts with or without another we are powerful and strong beyond measure.  

It is in finding softness that we become strongest.   

Your choice today - strength or softness?   

Lessons... A new mantra...

A new mantra, it came to me the other day, has evolved a little but the meaning still the same.

Pefectly Unperfect

It came about in my previous blog as perfectly imperfect but to me unperfect resonated more closely with my intention - while I thought that unperfect wasn't actually a word which in itself made my mantra more spot on there seems to be some confusion.

A quick Google search of unperfect results in a Mirriam Webster dictionary result of:

unperfect

adjective un·per·fect \-ˈpər-fikt\

Definition of UNPERFECT

:  imperfect

Interesting.

And while it may be a word it still doesn't sound quite right but therein lies the beauty.  It in itself is not perfect, imperfect.  Unperfect.

I love this mantra, it relates to so many things, in so many ways.  We are not perfect beings and nothing we do with ever be perfect but it can be perfectly acceptable, perfectly right, perfect for us.  Timing and editing, results and resolutions - never perfect and if we try and wait til it is then as we all know - it will never happen.  

So I aim to be perfectly unperfect. 

To follow my heart, to jump even through the overwhelming fear of it all, to put myself into this world when and where it feels right, timing and spelling errors be damned.  I am here.

Perfectly Unperfect.

Real Life... July 31, 2015

My computer is alive.

I have a strong internet connection.

It seems, for the moment that my technological speed bump has been overcome.

With a week of time, multiple calls and long hours spent talking to technical support, two technician visits, an operating system downloaded twice, installed once and recovery of all my precious files I am back.

But it's new.

Although I have every document and movie, song and even playlist it feels like starting all over again.

Shiny.

Reorgainized.

Reenergized.

I didn't realize I needed a revamp, a removal of clutter and files in all the wrong places but the Universe had other plans and as inconvenient as it was through the week, there was a quietness about it and the refreshed feel of my computer is electric.

Tonight is the Full Moon, a Blue Moon.  A time to as the Universe for all that we want, profess our deepest desires, dreaming as big as our childhood selves could have imagined, asking for it all.  Believing it is coming, knowing it is.

So tonight as the darkness descends and the fair moon rises upon us all, ask yourself, what is it that you want to start, that could use a refresh in your life.  What do you want.  Dream Big.

Lessons... Perfectly Imperfect...

I have always wanted to sew a quilt, the kind you see in old country houses that have worn through the years, aged in such tender ways from the carefulness of their crafting.

Delicate hands, patches of thread worn fabrics, contrasting and complimenting.  Stories woven together.  Simple and special.

Yards and meters of fabrics collected - similar and different all at once.  Hundreds of small squares cut to the perfect dimensions, exacting.

Pieces sewn into larger squares, straight lines, constant sizes. 

Larger squares become rows and rows become the front half.  Perfectly formed perfection.

In theory.

As I sat at my machine turning first those pieces into squares and the squares into rows I realized that there is no perfection.  I can see the flaws in every line I sew, slight slips of the cutter making slightly imperfect pieces, the pieces adding imperfections into the squares which continues into the rows and quilt itself. 

You can teach me how to make the perfect of squares but then I'd still have to sew the straightest of lines - a task that even through years of practice I still at times struggle with - attention distracted for the slightest of seconds and oops.

But put all together the flaws flow together, vanish to the naked eye.  The bigger picture overwhelming the details.

It was through the construction of these quilt pieces that I saw a reflection of me.  Perfectly imperfect.  Filled with flaws but still something tender and made with love.

I am not perfect, years of life have shaped and formed me.  I am a result as much of as my successes as I am of my mistakes.  I am worn and in some places a little thread bare but I am beautiful too. 

Imperfect pieces have formed me into a being that belongs in this world exactly how I am.

Perfectly imperfect.

Real Life... July 29, 2015

It's been a while and this is the story of why.

Technology fails.  Yes fails.  Plural. 

As they say, when you shout out your truest desires to the Universe and proclaim them to be true the Universe hears this as a sign to test you, to see if what you say is true, deeply rooted or just a passing fancy. 

I proclaimed to write consistently again, started finding my voice in the wee hours before sleep, ideas crashing forth and as I put them onto paper my computer decided it had had enough.  Crash.

Those dreaded words - unrecoverable.  Reinstall hard drive.  Um.  Ouch.

I'm far from a technology expert but those two hours I spent talking to the charming man on the Apple care line I knew that after failed startup after failed start up the only thing I could hope for was to recover my files. 

And how did that story turn out... you'll have to read past part two to find out.

Technology fail two that is... yup, there is more. At the same time that I am watching the death of my computer our home internet is dropping to below dial up standards.  It's painful. 

I spent another hour on the phone to our internet provider next trying to figure out what was up.  You see we live in the tiny part of our suburb that has yet to have NBN installed (national broadcasting network and the saviour to the poor infrastructure that Australia currently operates on) and while our speeds have never been fantastic they have at least been acceptable - no more.

As our modem is almost 4 years old the techs first response was to blame it for our troubles and immediately dispatches another - no luck.  The modem was just fine.  The tech finally came to our house yesterday and in a matter of 5 minutes clearly knew that our line was fucked (technical term).

Another day to wait for Telstra to resolve the problem as they hold the power of the infrastructure. 

So here I sit in the coffee shop down the road poaching wifi and drinking a latte while the rain pours down outside.

The ideas are still bubbling and refining. I am resolved.  This is just a bump along the way.  A test.  A test that Universe, I will pass.

Until next time...