Real Life… june 27 & 28, 2013

The photo on the wall of the room I now sit – trapped for the day, two – it’s of Rottnest, a view of the beach where we sat and talked.  Were.  Just us in the silence and the lapping shore break.  Resting in the shade of a rock painted there.  Random reminders as I sit here and think of you.

Letters to my younger self… age 7

Dear J (age 7),

Know that you are good enough and wanted.  More importantly know that you are loved.  The note you found this year – that one single sentence in blue ink on a torn scrap of paper – the one that says ‘I don’t want her’ – wasn’t a reflection of you – of your worth but merely the means to your father fully adopting you, of your sperm donor relinquishing his rights.

Know that you don’t have to carry this hurt with you – don’t pick it up at all.  Know that if you do – it will define and shape the next thirty years of your life – that you’ll spend those years keeping anyone from getting too close – too afraid that they will leave too.  You’ll spend those years loving fully with your golden heart though it will be encased in a shield that over time will overflow and crack and break over and over and over again as you struggle to let the love out.  A heavy burden to bear, a heart hardening to the world around it.  People who stay around long enough, who don’t push too much will see this side but they will still feel your wrath at times too – the ugly and unsettled – unable to deal with the overflowing love that scares you completely.  The ones who try and love you back will feel the strength of your walls – the ones structured so you can stand on your own, independent, unbreakable.  Immune to being loved.  This doesn’t have to happen. 

At age thirty-five when you call your mother in those midnight hours after sitting in a room full of strangers – know that the weight you had been carrying from this moment will be lifted.  The weight that you didn’t even realize what pulling you down.  When those three words - ‘I love you’ – leave your lips it will be the most freeing thing you will ever know.  When you say them to your mom – aloud – though she’s known it all along – they will release you from all those other ended conversations where they sat on the tip of your tongue unable to be uttered out loud.  The meaning to you was always too high, the price steep in the face of being left all over again.

Know that no matter how often you utter them in the future of your life they’ll still hold power – power in the freedom – in the expression.  In the pure selfless giving of sharing your love.  Know that they won’t always be returned and that’s okay too – it’s not about that.  It’s about living out loud – true to who you are.  Secure and safe in the knowledge that you truly are – and always have been – good enough.  Believing above all else in yourself and your ability to survive all of life’s ups and downs while still keeping an open heart. 

Know that people will still leave – they always do – but it is not a reflection of the girl you are – the woman you become but rather it’s out of circumstance, of timing, of their place in this world.  You can’t control that but you can still show them love, hold on to that love.  Let it continue to grow.  Continue to be beautiful even in the face of the sadness.

In that moment when you find that piece of paper, instead of feeling not good enough – defy it, laugh at it and shine brighter because of it – relishing in the ones that do stay through all the ups and downs – love them with all you have while they are there and know that this, these moments are all that truly matter through the years.  Each one unique and special for however long it lasts and some will last forever.  The most important thing is to love.  Just love and live.  Out loud.

Letters to you… the morning hours

The morning hours are the hardest now – the daylight washes the feel of you away leaving only little reminders of the memories here and there but the dawn hours – the moment before fully waking when sleep still keeps me warm is when I miss you the most.  You come rushing back as I hit the snooze button – as the sounds of the violins slowly pull me into consciousness.  My eyes adjust to the darkness and I can remember the feeling – your body curling into mine, holding tight from behind – our hands finding each others , fingers entwined – connected from head to toe for that brief nine minute respite from the start of the day.  I cherished those mornings, every single one even as we were drifting apart, breaking up, over.  Your body still found mine – searching for me in slumber – knowing that we fit, fully.  Linked, past and future – souls combined.  Easy.  Unthinking.  The morning hours are the hardest now – it’s when I miss you most.  When I realize everyday that you are fully gone.

Resonating... i deserve...

i deserve a partner who thinks i hung the moon.
i deserve to be with someone who wants to hold my hand as often as possible.
i deserve to be with someone who will take out the trash because it is my least favorite thing.
i deserve a partner who can balance professional motivation with love.
i deserve a partner who will be in awe of my ass in a pencil skirt.
i deserve to be with someone who will refrain from excessive discussion of relationships failed prior to ours.
i deserve to be with someone who is proud to show me off.
i deserve a partner who will celebrate my successes with me, and allow me to celebrate his successes with him.
i deserve a partner who understands my need for independence, and who values his own as well.
i deserve to be with someone who can totally respect my politics, my views on religion even if we don’t share the same views.
i deserve to be with someone who, even in the biggest king bed you’ve ever seen, will want to at least have our feet touching.
i deserve a partner who can communicate.  like, really communicate.
i deserve a partner who wants to read this blog because it is a window into me.
i deserve to be with someone who will take care of me when i am sick or sad or tired.
i deserve a partner who wants to go on adventures with me, wide-eyed.
i deserve a man who is a grown up. a real-deal adult.
i deserve to be someone’s #1 teammate.  it is not ok with me to be #2 to anyone or anything.
i deserve a partner who is present, emotionally and physically, more often than not.
i deserve a partner who understands the emotional exhaustion my career can sometimes cause.  and at the very least i deserve a partner who wants to hear about my day.
i deserve to be with someone who truly wants to come home to me (every single week/weekend/night, etc) that he can.  i deserve to be his favorite.
i deserve a partner who will sneak in quietly if i am napping and put a blanket over me.
i deserve a partner who will occasionally bring me flowers, or buy me a chocolate at the store, or leave me a little note with a heart on it for no reason at all.
i deserve a partner who loves me without pretense or doubt.
my future husband doesn’t have to be a doctor or a lawyer or a fighter pilot. he doesn’t have to be superman or the president of the united states. he doesn’t have to be 6 foot 2 or a stand up comedian. he doesn’t need a fancy car or a big salary or to be a certain age.  i don’t have a checklist. he just needs to love me more than anyone ever has—he needs to love me to the stars and back.  and he needs to be worthy of my love, because i have so very much to give.  i don’t know who the man is, but i know what the love is.
this is what i have learned.  and i thank the doctor and the ex for that.  truly.

This!

http://thebreakupblogger.tumblr.com/post/561820126/scenes-from-my-hood-in-which-i-am-29-and-have-learned

Letters to you… thank you

Thank you for…

-showing me what I can have, what I want, what I deserve

-teaching me the beauty of compassion and connection to people and the world

-letting me touch your heart with my bare hands if only for a brief moment

-sharing your love

-looking at me with sparkling eyes

-your tears and fears in the face of it all, unmasked emotion, honest and real

-unprotected connections, a soulful link that I’ve never felt before, complete ecstasy

-allowing me to care for you for a time and for taking  care of me in return

-living together in the same space, our lives entwined so easily and seamlessly, the daily dance of life

-morning snuggles when your body molded with mine, fingers interlaced

-afternoon hugs in that space that I fit perfectly into under your arms, a welcome embrace coming home from the day

-electric kitchen touches over coffee, over dishes

-trusting in me and finding me your best friend

-embracing me, letting me into your family life, feeling their welcoming arms (even still)

-reminding me that my intuition is spot on and I have to trust it, voice it more clearly – to stand up for myself, my non-negotiables

-knowing that I have a huge heart and that it was yours for a while

-reinforcing my desire to be part of a team – full on, compromise and sharing – decisions and all – not one sided behavior

-embracing my sense of ridiculous and sometimes bratty behavior

-standing up to me when needed and for getting mad when required (it shows you’re human after all)

-making me remember how essential communication is even when it’s hard or it hurts

-listening and showing me the power in that (even as I forgot along the way)

-being a pillar of strength in the face of adversity

-knowing that my tears sometimes required advice and sometimes just strong arms to hold me tight

-gardening with me,wrestling vines and reading to jump all over the slithering creatures that might appear

-killing the cockroaches and ants without hesitation and yes, even for rescuing the spiders and setting them free

-pushing me to be my best

-providing what you could right back

-the adventures and experiences we shared through it all, new and old alike

-the ups and downs and just living life, honestly and real

-the drunken nights and handstands in the street

-warning me to be careful even as I laughed and foolishly did it anyway

-skyping with my family, with my best friend

-reminding me of my strength and self worth that I lost briefly in the face of it all

-leting me see the power in my love and my tears, giving freely without expectation

-grounding me

-valuing my opinions and looking to me for validation

-cheering me on when things got heavy or hard, just being on my side no questions asked

-good morning texts and lunch time calls

-releasing your burdens on me and letting me be your rock in those moments

-showing me what to tolerate and what to fight against

-leading me down the path of princes and knights and kings

-reminding me that I should never fear losing something so much that I lose myself in the process

-showing me that I deserve a man who chooses me fully – that doesn’t need to try while having one foot out the door (sabotaging from the start)

-showing me that I can love and be loved and that it can be easy and real and lasting with the boy who knows who he is and what he wants

-letting me embrace my felinity

-showing me that I can be happy in a partnership or on my own and feel lucky every night as my head hits the pillow, cherishing it all everyday

-letting me find my spiritual connections – my guides who even now still show me that you are my future

-revealing your true self, taking off your masks and revealing your brokenness even as it made you run away (again) in fear

-making me realize you are still a knight, bordering on the first stage of prince-dom, finding who he is and standing on his own

-stepping away even as it hurt knowing that I’m am stopped and you’re not ready for that yet, still moving forward, still figuring it out

-making me realize that adventures and experiences don’t stop just because you find your best friend and your paths are the same

-the little moments, the ones that matter more, most

-making a house feel like home

-filling our house with the sounds of your beautiful music

-giving me the confidence to sing out loud

-letting me be your refuge and your gift for a little while along the way

Thank you for being all of this for moments and for letting me share in them all.

Thank you for our time together albeit brief and now so distant.

Thank you for letting believe that we’ll come back together some day, standing as individuals, stronger together.

Thank you.

Letter to my future self… remember your happy

Remember your happy.  The feeling you have right now nestled within your core.  Unforced, unexplainable – just a part of who you are down deep.  Remember the night over beers when innocently your new best friend conveyed to you the moment when she truly sensed your happiness – overhead laughter and conversation from the mezzanine above – how she and her partner both became aware of it in that instant, heard it in your voice, in your exuberance, in just being you.

Remember your contentment the next time you are entwined in this life with someone else – don’t lose it even if he’s unhappy himself – don’t try and shoulder that burden as it only brings you down too.  Recognize and acknowledge it but don’t make it yours – don’t misplace your spirit in it as you did once before – stay true to yourself and you’ll be stronger for it together.  Work on your happiness – feed it so that he can feel it too – wrap up both up in happy – it’s contagious. 

When the speed bumps come and surely they will – they always do – remember who you are today – this 36 year old version of yourself – the girl who lost herself for a few months but who bounced right back when she awoke to this misstep.  The girl who is secure enough in who she is to admit her mistakes, laugh at her silliness, concede her brattiness and identify her ability to push too far.  Know you’re not perfect but that’s okay, it’s not  reason to be unhappy anyway, perfect is boring.  Let people judge if they must, let them question or manipulate or giggle at you in the mirror but remember that is a reflection of them, their own insecurities and needs – don’t let them become your own.  Let go of the negative, the gossip.  Life is too short for that and goodbye is truly okay.

Keep the people close that add to your own inherent happiness, the ones who spread joy themselves – both in sharing their own and celebrating yours – those are the ones worth keeping, the ones that will still be by your side when shit inevitably hits the fan and the tears begin to fall.  The ones that won’t walk away when your mean little devil speaks out in a moment of weakness, a moment of hurt.  The ones that will remind you that you are beautiful and worth of greatness when you forget yourself.  The ones that know the truth of your happiness and embrace it.  Let it shine through.  Remember your happy.